Sally Helgesen > Quotes

“women are most likely to be evaluated based on their contributions, while men are most likely to be evaluated based on their potential—nebulous criteria that can result in a less qualified man getting the job.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“A range of studies confirms the truth of a common female perception: that men often have trouble hearing women when they speak. A typical example occurs in meetings where there are very few women present—or even only one, that one being you. You make a point or an observation during a discussion. No one comments or appears to notice. Other participants carry on with the conversation.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“As the neural grooves of self-blame and regret get established, rumination becomes your default mode.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“When you make a mistake or otherwise find yourself behaving like a human, the best practice is to leave it at the stream. Don’t carry it around like that angry monk who kept obsessing about the other monk’s behavior. Just lay that burden down and let it go.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“The point is, your definition of rising is always going to be personal, individual to you. But one of the biggest impediments to rising is also personal and individual: being blind to the behaviors and habits that keep you stuck.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“But the survey also indicated that men tended to place greater value on attaining a high position and earning a high salary, whereas women placed a higher value on the actual experience of work.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“The principle of neuroplasticity means that you have the ability to change how you respond to situations. Past experiences may shape your behaviour, but they need not determine it. you have the power to become more precise, more intentional, more present, more assertive, more autonomous, more at ease exercising authority, more confident setting boundaries, and a more effective advocate for yourself.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“Instead of viewing money and position as the sole or even chief markers of success, women also tend to place a high value on the quality of their lives at work and the impact of their contributions. Enjoying co-workers and clients, having some degree of control over their time, and believing that their work makes a positive difference in the world are key motivators for many successful women.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“As the business sage Peter Drucker famously noted " We spend a lot of time teaching leaders what to do. We don't spend nearly enough time teaching them what to stop.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“High-profile women who seek to rise are routinely criticised as being "too ambitious". What does "too ambitious even mean? It seems to mean that any woman who is ambitious is unseemly, over-the-top, too nakedly self-interested to be trusted.
Men are often described as ambitious, ofcourse, but rarely with the qualifier "too". It seems primarily reserved for ambitious women.Sits not very surprising that even very successful women are often reluctant to describe themselves as ambitious.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“Having a clear, concise statement ready to deliver at any moment—one that says what you do now but emphasizes what you want to do in the future and why you’re qualified to do it—gives you a huge advantage in terms of visibility and positioning. It sets you apart from the pack and enables you to make the case for yourself at the highest level when the chance presents itself. In my experience, great careers are often built on chance encounters. So it always pays to be prepared.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“Passing judgment means feeling the need to impose your standards on others, as if their job were to live up to your expectations.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“When you’re on autopilot, you are not really thinking about this situation, this moment, this challenge, or the specific response it requires. You’re just reacting in a way that has become comfortable for you over time. Your brain saves a lot of energy this way. You expand fewer mental calories. But you’re not really present for what you are doing. Which is why you are not considering whether your behavior is serving you now.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“it lies in the capacity to be fully present. Present for a task, for a conversation, for the moment, for an opportunity. Present for your larger purpose in the world.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“the trick to maximizing your talents and opportunities is not becoming a less thoughtful and giving person, but rather being purposeful and intentional about your choices while also addressing the behaviors that keep you stuck.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“Maureen says, “It amazed me to realize that the women’s tendency to focus on their work rather than effectively communicating what they were doing got interpreted as a lack of commitment. This seemed counterintuitive, because you’d think hard work would demonstrate loyalty.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“I tell them, say what you’re doing, say what you’ve accomplished, and say what motivates you. If you want to make partner, you need to say so, over and over. If you don’t, the top dogs won’t view you as committed. Just working hard won’t get you where you want to go.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“Take that well-known phenomenon of "speaking while female". A range of studies confirms the truth of a common female perception: that men often have trouble hearing women when they speak. A typical example occurs in meetings where there are very few women present. You make a point or an observation during a discussion. No one comments or appears to notice. Other participants caryy on with the conversation.
Then a man, often senior but not necessarily, makes teh exact same point that you just made. But the response this time is very different. "Great idea Jack!" or I agree with what Jack says. " Or I just want to build on Jacks point."
Suddenly Jack owns the insight.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“Passing judgment means feeling the need to impose your standards on others, as if their job were to live up to your expectations. You don't have to do this verbally. You can also judge another person in your hand, comparing his or her behavior to what you would do, usually in a way that shows you to be superior.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“Belief that Women should always be role models for others: The idea that high-profile women do not get to make their own life choices without first considering the potential impact upon all other women is a pernicious trap. Being successful is a demanding job while trying to maintain a rewarding personal life is tough enough for anyone in todays demanding work culture. Expecting women to calculate personal decisions based on how it will interpret them adds an extra burden. It is certainly not a burden men are expected to bear.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“For the fact is that doing two things at once makes it impossible to be present for either because your attention is by definition fragmented.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“In my experience, triggers are the prime reason that men and women end up retreating to gender silos, narrowing their experience and depriving themselves of useful connections. That’s what happened when Jen enlisted Chantal to commiserate with her after the meeting in which Mark received credit for her idea. Sharing her resentment with a female colleague may have temporarily relieved the emotional distress Jen felt at being disregarded. But venting her feelings only reinforced the story she was telling herself to explain what had happened: “Men just can’t listen to women!” This increased the likelihood of her remaining stuck in a negative groove. It’s the stories we tell ourselves when we feel triggered that keep us dug in and limit our ability to frame an effective response. Here’s how the process works: First, the trigger kicks off an emotional reaction that blindsides us. We feel a rush of adrenaline, a sinking in the pit of our stomach, a recoil, a blinding rage, or a snide “of course.” Or we may simply feel confusion. Our immediate impulse may be to lash out. But if we’re in a work situation, we fear what this could cost us, so we try to suppress our feelings and move on. When this doesn’t succeed, we may grab the first opportunity to complain to a sympathetic colleague, which is why so much time at work gets consumed in gripe sessions and unproductive gossip. In this way, our response to triggers plays a role in shaping toxic cultures that set us against one another, justify sniping, and waste everybody’s time. But whether we suffer in silence or indulge the urge to vent, the one thing we almost always do when triggered is try to put what happened in some kind of context. This is where storytelling enters the picture. We craft a narrative based on past experience or perceptions in a way that assigns blame, exonerates us, and magnifies impact. Because these stories make us feel better, we may not stop to question whether they are either accurate or useful. Yet the truth is that our go-to stories rarely serve us well. They are especially damaging when they operate across divides: gender, of course (“Men can’t, women just refuse”), but also race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and age (“They always, they seem incapable of…”). Because these default stories rely on generalizations and stereotypes, they reinforce any biases we may have. This makes it difficult for us to see others in their particularity; instead, they appear to us as members of a group. In addition, because our go-to stories usually emphasize our own innocence (“I had no idea!” “I never guessed he would…”), they often reinforce our feelings of being aggrieved or victimized—an increasing hazard for men as well as women. Since we can’t control other people, our best path is to acknowledge the emotional and mental impact a trigger has on us. This necessary first step can then enable us to choose a response that enhances our dignity and serves our interests.”
― Sally Helgesen, Rising Together: How We Can Bridge Divides and Create a More Inclusive Workplace

“The point is that both people involved understand they are using one another to improve their access to resources, broaden their professional connections, and create mutually beneficial opportunities.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“The point is, you had no way of knowing. But you decided it had to be about you.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“You’re not big enough, so you don’t belong. Others are more deserving than you are.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“So Marshall’s aha was that successful women’s tendency to critique themselves instead of others opens them to different behavioral habits than men, who are more likely to accept recognition and deflect blame.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“First up was Nancy’s pervasive sense of guilt. She felt self-conscious about going beyond her family’s expectations, and feared being seen as “too big for her britches,” a typical complaint in her family about anyone who was successful. As a result, Nancy was constantly trying to prove she didn’t think she was better than anyone else. This made it almost impossible for her to say no.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“The emphasis is always on what you should do, never on what you should stop doing.”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“This matters because top leadership roles tend to be more about potential for the next level of responsibility than management of the current level of responsibility,”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job

“of “to-do” behaviors (say please and thank you, be more patient, treat others with respect) have a more difficult time changing than those who focus on a few “must-stop” behaviors (stop sharing your opinion on everything, quit taking other people’s work for granted, don’t claim credit you don’t deserve). Even the simple injunction to “stop being a jerk” is often more effective than itemizing desirable behaviors to try out. Sally has also seen how the bias for action can undermine the ability of people to let go of behaviors that no longer serve them. A vivid example came during a recent client call about a leadership workshop she was scheduled to deliver. After she had sketched out the program, the head of the planning committee spoke up. “The most important thing is that your program should be immediately actionable,” she said. “We have a very proactive culture around here, so we want to make sure you give people plenty of to-dos. The ideal would be for participants to walk away with five new things they can do Monday morning.” Sally had heard such requests in the past and tried to accommodate them. But now she pushed back. She noted that in her experience the last thing most people in organizations need is five new things to do on Monday morning. With employees already overloaded, adding new items to”
― Sally Helgesen, How Women Rise: Break the 12 Habits Holding You Back from Your Next Raise, Promotion, or Job