Paul Mathews > Quotes

“We should definitely write a book – The Psychology of Presidents: A guide for dealing with the democratically elected and delusional.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Coffee

“She only wants people in the president’s inner circle walking her precious pooches.’ ‘But I’m not exactly in his inner circle, am I, sir?’ Howie placed an understanding hand on Conor’s shoulder. ‘You’re the nearest person to the centre of the circle we could persuade to do it.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Chihuahuas

“And he’s the fella that writes those comedy murder mysteries that aren’t selling.’ He flew back across the room and picked up a wodge of papers. ‘He’s just sent me his latest effort. It’s called We Have Lost the Poet. I mean, for goodness sake, who’s gonna want to read a comedy murder mystery about a flaming dead poet? Nobody, that’s who! It’s daft!”
― Paul Mathews, To Kill A Shocking Bard

“Is everyone else who works in Buckingham Palace a complete lunatic?’ Howie winked. ‘You know the saying. You don’t have to be mad to work here. But it helps.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Plot

“There’s no point bullshitting me, Martha. I deal with politicians every day. I can smell it a mile off.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Coffee

“Without a leader, self-interest would be king.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The President

“Howie’s voice flew up a couple of octaves. ‘Straight after this? With no stop for an early lunch on the way?’ Freddie shook his head. ‘Public service involves sacrifices, my friend.’ ‘It’s a job, not a bloody religion,’ huffed Howie.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Chihuahuas

“Trump World”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Plot

“One of Howie’s knees gave way suddenly. He jerked his leg into a stable position, slapped a hand on the back of a nearby chair for support and prayed to whichever gods were still taking an active interest in British public life to make this visit as quick and as painless as possible. But they weren’t listening. Lipstick was still being applied. And he was still being ignored.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Plot

“Howie was a senior government comms professional. An ability to be economical with the truth was an essential requirement for the job.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The President

“What’s going on?’ mumbled Howie. Zayn sat up. ‘Right this second – I’m clueless. But I’m working on it. Pretty soon, I reckon I’ll have some kind of vague idea.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Pelicans

“maybe this bird was trying to tell her some lost secret of the universe that it was doomed to carry for all eternity. The meaning of life, perhaps?”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The President

“Now, has your memory come back? Can you remember who you were with last night?’ Zayn’s expression suggested he was mentally constipated. ‘Last night?”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Plot

“Tell your face to stop impersonating a camel’s rear end.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Pelicans

“I think you’ll find everybody looks a little shifty before nine o’clock in the morning. The British distrust of early starts goes back centuries and is, I believe, locked into our islander genes.”
― Paul Mathews, To Kill A Shocking Bard

“Never ask a liar if he’s lying to you,’ drawled Louie. ‘You’ll only tie yourself up in knots trying to figure out what the hell they’re not trying to tell you.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Plot

“Dominic beamed and adopted a bad Texan accent. ‘Better a hobo than a homeowner be.’ Louie forced a smile. ‘Then the barman can’t tell you to head home.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Plot

“Would you mind leaving the room? It’s just that I want to discuss an illegal matter with your friend here.’ Freddie spluttered in surprise. ‘Did you mean to say “legal matter”, Vice President?’ ‘No, I didn’t. I-L-L-E-G-A-L. Illegal. Something that is not legal. As in, against the law. And I don’t need a police chief listening in.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Chihuahuas

“Pond.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Pelicans

“Sidewalks? What’s wrong with sidewalks? I mean, some of my best friends are sidewalks!”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Plot

“Howie wondered to himself why human beings had never developed the ability to shut their ears, as well as their eyes.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Pelicans

“I’ve lost my thread. What was I saying before that?’ Her tone was flat. ‘Marriage leads to murder.’ ‘Ah, yes. You know, the local vicar always advises against including “till death do us part” in the marriage vows, just in case there’s a killer in the congregation who sees it as a personal challenge”
― Paul Mathews, A Very Funny Murder Mystery

“But this detective only has an appetite for one thing, Lady Peculiar. Getting to the bottom of Jepson’s death. And my gut instinct tells me this could be murder.’ Her nostrils flared. ‘Really, inspector? What leads you to that hasty conclusion?’ ‘I’ve no idea whatsoever. My gut never reveals its sources. But it’s rarely been proved wrong.”
― Paul Mathews, A Very Funny Murder Mystery

“When Jean-Paul Sartre wrote ‘Hell is other people’, he’d obviously just dined with work colleagues.”
― Paul Mathews, To Kill A Shocking Bard

“Rocky Zito’s the name. Movies are my game. You probably heard of me?’ Howie hadn’t before today. He steered clear of horror films. He experienced enough terror at work.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Plot

“Howie craned his neck to the heavens and muttered a short prayer to that Egyptian god with the dog’s head whose name he couldn’t quite remember.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Chihuahuas

“countries. I can recommend the Peruvian llama-cheese ale or the Polish pierogi porter.’ ‘They sound revolting. You got any Guinness?’ ‘If you want Guinness, I suggest you cross the street and visit a public house.’ Howie took a step forward. ‘Do I look like the type of person who abandons his professional duties to grab a pint during working hours?’ The duty manager paused. ‘Do you really want me to answer that, sir?”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Plot

“he could sit on a fence and the birds would feed him.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Plot

“the media never let anything inconvenient like facts get in the way of a good headline.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The Pelicans

“If I screwed people over all the time, I wouldn’t be where I am today.’ Oskar didn’t look completely convinced. Possibly because he’d got where he was today by screwing people over all the time.”
― Paul Mathews, We Have Lost The President