Simon Rich > Quotes

“I still remember the day I got my first calculator

Teacher: All right, children, welcome to fourth grade math. Everyone take a calculator out of the bin.
Me: What are these?
Teacher: From now on we'll be using calculators.
Me: What do these things do?
Teacher: Simple operations, like multiplication and division.
Me: You mean this device just...does them? By itself?
Teacher: Yes. You enter in the problem and press equal.
Me: You...you knew about this machine all along, didn't you? This whole time, while we were going through this...this charade with the pencils and the line paper and the stupid multiplication tables!...I'm sorry for shouting...It's just...I'm a little blown away.
Teacher: Okay, everyone, today we're going to go over some word problems.
Me: What the hell else do you have back there? A magical pen that writes book reports by itself? Some kind of automatic social studies worksheet that...that fills itself out? What the hell is going on?
Teacher: If a farmer farms five acres of land a day--
Me: So that's it, then. The past three years have been a total farce. All this time I've been thinking, "Well, this is pretty hard and frustrating but I guess these are useful skills to have." Meanwhile, there was a whole bin of these things in your desk. We could have jumped straight to graphing. Unless, of course, there's some kind of graphing calculator!
Teacher: There is. You get one in ninth grade.
Me: Is this...Am I on TV? Is this a prank show?
Teacher: No.”
― Simon Rich, Ant Farm and Other Desperate Situations

“God: Check out this human I designed.
Angel: Wow, that looks pretty incredible. How does it work?
God: It's pretty complicated. Point to something and I'll tell you what it does.
Angel: Okay. What are these?
God: Teeth. They're for chewing up food.
Angel: How come there are so many of them?
God: I threw in, like, three or four extra. If they don't like them, they can pll them out somehow, I guess.
Angel: What about this weird bag thing?
God: That's the appendix.
Angel: What does it do?
God: It explodes.
Angel: Really? That's all?
God: Pretty much.
Angel: What causes that to happen?
God: It just happens randomly. Like you'll just be walking down the street or driving a car and boom.
Angel: Geez...that's terrifying. Does it kill the person?
God: (shrugs) Sometimes.”
― Simon Rich

“There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren’t.”
― Simon Rich, Ant Farm and Other Desperate Situations

“I know the odds are against us. I know she’s a siren. I know she’s eaten people. I know she’s five thousand years older than me. But I really like her.”
― Simon Rich, The Last Girlfriend on Earth: And Other Love Stories

“You cannot murder interns, but other than that, they are the same as mules. You can rob them, abuse them, debase them. There are no limits. When a man agrees to be intern, he is saying, “I am no longer human being with rights, I am like dog or monkey. Use me for labor until my body breaks and then consume all of my meats.” I”
― Simon Rich, Spoiled Brats: And Other Stories

“Before OkCupid profiles became mandated by the Galactic Government, the only way to find a mate was to self-induce brain-damage and beg strangers for sex in public. The fact that anyone ever achieved sexual congress during these dark times is a remarkable testament to man's will to survive.”
― Simon Rich, The Last Girlfriend on Earth: And Other Love Stories

“The trick to surviving with low funds is to not have such high standards.”
― Simon Rich

“Was it still a miracle if someone had to suffer?”
― Simon Rich, What in God's Name

“Dreams were invented by Angels to test out their beta programs.”
― Simon Rich, What in God's Name

“Marathon In 490 B.C., a Greek messenger named Pheidippides ran twenty-six miles, from Marathon to Athens, to bring the senate news of a battle. He died from exhaustion, but his memory lives on thanks to the “marathon,” a twenty-six-mile footrace named in his honor. I thought it would be neat to bring Pheidippides to a modern-day marathon and talk to him about his awesome legacy.   ME: So, Pheidippides: What was it like to run the first “marathon”? PHEIDIPPIDES: It was the worst experience of my life. ME: How did it come about? PHEIDIPPIDES: My general gave the order. I begged him, “Please, don’t make me do this.” But he hardened his heart and told me, “You must.” And so I ran the distance, and it caused my death. ME: How did you feel when you finally reached your destination? PHEIDIPPIDES: I was already on the brink of death when I entered the senate hall. I could actually feel my life slipping away. So I recited my simple message, and then, with my final breath, I prayed to the gods that no human being, be he Greek or Persian, would ever again have to experience so horrible an ordeal. ME: Hey, here come the runners! Wooooh! PHEIDIPPIDES: Who are these people? Where are they going? ME: From one end of New York to the other. It’s a twenty-six-mile distance. Sound familiar? PHEIDIPPIDES: What message do they carry…and to whom? ME: Oh, they’re not messengers. PHEIDIPPIDES: But then…who has forced them to do this? ME: No one. It’s like, you know, a way of testing yourself. PHEIDIPPIDES: But surely, a general or king has said to them, “You must do this. Do this or you will be killed.” ME: No, they just signed up. Hey, look at that old guy with the beard! Pretty inspiring, huh? Still shuffling around after all these years. PHEIDIPPIDES: We must rescue that man. We must save his life. ME: Oh, he knows what he’s doing. He probably runs this thing every year. PHEIDIPPIDES: Is he…under a curse? ME: No.”
― Simon Rich, Free-Range Chickens

“It’s not just about Jen,” he said. “It’s about the entire romantic system. Ninety-nine percent of men are in love with the top one percent of women. And yet they often refuse to date us. It’s a complete injustice.”
― Simon Rich, The Last Girlfriend on Earth: And Other Love Stories

“There were a lot of fun things to do in heaven. But none were as thrilling as what you could do on Earth.”
― Simon Rich, What in God's Name

“I spend long, long time in shoe box.”
― Simon Rich, The Last Girlfriend on Earth: And Other Love Stories

“Although I have scheduled over one million meetings, I have never had the privilege of attending one. The reason is that no colleague has ever requested my company. Sometimes I like to watch meetings from a distance and imagine that I am a participant, drinking water, nodding my head, and saying words. My hope is that if I continue to work on my social skills, this dream of mine will someday come to pass.”
― Simon Rich, New Teeth: Stories

“See, that's the big secret to baseball! Don't swing at the pitch you wanted. Swing at the pitch you got.”
― Simon Rich, New Teeth: Stories

“But the vast majority of humans are descendants of the children of the dirt. And no matter how long they search the earth, they'll never find what they're looking for because there's nobody for them, not anybody in the world.”
― Simon Rich

“Not much is known about pre-Internet courtship rituals. But presumably, if a twentieth-century male was in need of sexual release, he had no choice but to physically approach a female and, without any kind of warning, begin speaking to her. Needless to say, this must have been a highly upsetting experience for everyone involved. In order to mitigate the horror of the situation, primitive humans relied on a poison known as beer (figure 1) to damage their brains to the point of near unconsciousness.”
― Simon Rich, Man Seeking Woman (originally published as The Last Girlfriend on Earth): And Other Love Stories

“The Benders had died in a helicopter explosion but were otherwise in perfect health.”
― Simon Rich, Spoiled Brats

“According to Aristophanes, there were originally 3 sexes. The children of the moon, who were half male and half female. The children of the sun, who were fully male, and the children of the earth, who were fully female. Everyone had four arms, four legs, and two heads, and spent their days in blissful contentment.

Zeus became jealous of the humans joy, so he decided to split them all in two. Aristophanes called this punishment "The Origin of Love", because ever since the children of the earth, moon, and sun have been searching the globe in a desperate bid to find their other halves.
Aristophanes' story though isn't complete, because there was also a fourth sex, the children of the dirt. Unlike the other three sexes, the children of the dirt consisted of just one half. Some were male and some were female, and each had just two arms, two legs, and one head. The children of the dirt found the children of the earth, moon, and sun to be completely insufferable. Whenever they saw a two-headed creature walking by, talking to itself in baby talk voices, it made them want to vomit. They hated going to parties. When there was no way to get out of one they simply sat in the corner, too bitter and depressed to talk to anyone. The children of the dirt were so miserable that they invented wine and art to dull their pain. It helped a little, but not really. When Zeus went on his rampage, he decided to leave the children of the dirt alone. "They're already fucked" he explained.
Happy gay couples descend from the children of the sun. Happy lesbian couples descend from the children of the earth. And happy straight couples descend from the children of the moon. But the vast majority of humans are descendants of children of the dirt, and no matter how long they search the earth they'll never find what they're looking for. Because there's nobody for them, not anybody in the world.”
― Simon Rich

“Otto could be extremely convincing. During our sophomore year, he’d persuaded me to boycott McDonald’s, even though they’d recently brought back the McRib.”
― Simon Rich, The Last Girlfriend on Earth: And Other Love Stories

“God liked eggs in the morning. It didn’t really matter which kind. Poached, fried, scrambled. Sometimes he had them bring him what he called a bird’s nest: a piece of toast with an egg stuck in the middle.”
― Simon Rich, What in God's Name

“My great-grandfather said that all dates began with the same custom. The two people on the date would take turns verbally listing all the TV shows they liked. If they both liked the same show, they’d exchange memes from it. But here’s the thing: GIFs did not exist yet. So instead of texting the other person a funny moment from the show, you would say out loud, “Do you remember the part when…,” and then you would perform the meme yourself, using your face and body to imitate what an actor had said and done. Exchanging memes in person was much scarier than doing it by text, because when you text someone a meme and they don’t respond, you can tell yourself that maybe they liked it but just didn’t have time to text you back. But when you performed a meme with your body and the other person didn’t like it, you would be able to tell, because instead of laughing they would just kind of sadly look away and say, “Yeah, I remember that part.” And you would have to just keep on walking to the restaurant.”
― Simon Rich, Glory Days: Stories

“Tell me, who is this Walmart?” I ask Claire.

“They’re one of the most evil corporations on earth,” she tells me. “They exploit immigrants, sell poisonous junk food, and destroy small businesses. It’s ridiculous. They think they can just show up here, write a check, and get whomever they want to do their bidding…”

I interrupt her.

“What is check?”

“It’s, like, money.”

At this point I am running. I run so fast both of my shoes fall off. Eventually, after several blocks of screaming and waving my arms in the air, I catch up to these wonderful Walmart people. They open their door and I leap inside car before they have time to change their mind.”
― Simon Rich

“I still believe that change is possible. With enough hard work and organization, there’s no reason activists can’t stop genocide, achieve nuclear disarmament, eradicate poverty, or end all human wars. But when it comes to the stuff that really matters, the stuff that really counts? There’s nothing you can do.”
― Simon Rich, Man Seeking Woman (originally published as The Last Girlfriend on Earth): And Other Love Stories

“Craig leapt spryly out of the way. He was in a good mood. He’d just received an e-mail from Angel Resources informing him that he’d clinched another Angel of the Month award. The prize was pretty good this time: a coupon for a medium pizza of his choice. There was some fine print on the back of the coupon: deep-dish pies cost extra, he couldn’t order more than three meat toppings, and the offer expired in fifteen days.”
― Simon Rich, What in God's Name

“The truth is that sending your parent to the past is unlikely to make them see the error of their ways. Physicists refer to this phenomenon as the Boomer Father Paradox, which was originally posited by Austro-Hungarian logician Kurt Gödel, who wrote in a 1931 monograph that “he’s never going to fucking change, no matter what. He’s just going to keep pulling the same damn shit forever.” In layman’s terms, what this means is that your parents are incapable of growth. You can spend millions of dollars, rupture space-time, and taser the heck out of them, and they won’t learn a thing. It’s a foundational law of the universe.”
― Simon Rich, Glory Days: Stories

“Almost everything in this inbox is expired. Look.” She handed him a yellowed scrap of paper from the bottom of the pile. Dear God: Please get me tickets to C+C Music Factory. Tania Banks, March 3, 1991”
― Simon Rich, What in God's Name

“Maybe Artist is hard job. It is not for me to say. But I would be surprised if it was as hard a job as Rock Thrower. Throwing rocks is not so easy. For example, five years ago, one of my shoulders detached from my arm when I was throwing a boulder off a cliff. And two years after that, the other shoulder detached also. I can still throw rocks. But now, when I throw them, I am screaming. Not just once in a while, but constantly. Every time I throw a rock I am screaming, so loud. I do not always realize I am screaming—it is just part of my life. Usually, by sundown, I have no voice left. It is gone, you understand, because I was screaming so much from the pain of throwing rocks. Another thing is that sometimes I fall off the cliff, which is a bad situation.”
― Simon Rich, Man Seeking Woman (originally published as The Last Girlfriend on Earth): And Other Love Stories

“Well, that’s splendid!” Mr. Goat said. “As long as we preserve our friendship—that’s the important thing.” “Yes!” Olivia said. “Exactly!” There was a pause. “Can I kiss you?” Mr. Goat said. Olivia groaned. “I just want to be friends,” she said firmly. “That’s all.” “I”
― Simon Rich, Man Seeking Woman (originally published as The Last Girlfriend on Earth): And Other Love Stories

“He handed her a tissue, but she didn’t know what a tissue was, so she put it in her mouth and tried to eat it.”
― Simon Rich, New Teeth: Stories