Penelope Bloom > Quotes

“That beautiful, beautiful man. He stole your cherry and deflowered you in one fell swoop. Respect.”
― Penelope Bloom, Her Cherry

“If they give the purple heart for soldiers, I guess they could give me the blue ball medal for the testament of willpower I endured.”
― Penelope Bloom, Single Dad's Virgin

“Today’s message: Pro tip… An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.”
― Penelope Bloom, Her Cherry

“He has a chronic condition. They found the stick up his ass when we were just kids and the doctors said we couldn't remove it without killing him. Naturally, we all tried as hard as we could to pull it out, but the stubborn bastard never gave us an inch. See, he's a tight-ass, too. It's tragic, really, when you think about it. Sometimes I lay awake at night trying to figure out which came first… The stick, or the tight ass.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“I woke up with the kind of headache that makes you regret you ever existed. I didn’t just want to die, I wanted to go back in time and stop my parents from ever making me in the first place.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“Please tell me you just compared a man to a burrito, because I love that.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“You barely know me? Why, because you don’t know my favorite color? Because you don’t know about my childhood? Fuck that. The past shapes the present, and you see me here. Now. You see what my past has shaped and you know it as clear as day.”
― Penelope Bloom, Punished by the Prince

“Okay, Dad. Please make sure your seats are in the upright position. Please do not smoke. Vaping is fine, if that’s your thing. Although I wouldn't advise it, because vapes still have nicotine in them, so you’re developing a nasty habit anyway. And nobody thinks you’re cool when you do smoke tricks.” “We’re not vaping,” I said. “Just fly the damn helicopter.”
― Penelope Bloom, Her Secret

“They say once an intern gets a taste of their boss’ banana, they never really stop craving it.” I tried to stop myself from saying it, I really did, but he had set me up far, far too perfectly for the dirty joke. I owed it to the universe to say it.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“Natasha had stumbled, tripped, and crashed her way through all my defenses in a perfectly choreographed merger of clumsiness and fate.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“You scared the crap out of me. I mean, not literally. I’m potty trained.”
― Penelope Bloom, Her Bush

“Is there a word for someone who’s nice but is an asshole about it?” I asked once the waiter had left. “A nicehole?” suggested Bruce. “Yes. You’re a nicehole.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“Natasha would never be the tame housewife or anything close to typical. She was my accident-prone, highly unpredictable, feisty little firecracker”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“Shake the stick out of my ass and let loose... Words of wisdom from Candace. Maybe I’ll have them put that on your tombstone?” "Who says I'm dying first? I'm going to have them put, ‘here lies the world's oldest, saddest virgin. Maybe if she'd let a guy get six inches deep, she wouldn't have gone six feet under.”
― Penelope Bloom, Her Cherry

“Davey laughed. “You’re not hot. You’re wholesome. Look, I mean this in the nicest way possible, so stop looking at me like that. I’m going to explain. Guys want hot girls when they are in the no-commitment stage. They screw around with them, have some fun nights, and move on. Nobody in their right mind seriously expects to settle down with the typical hot girl. But wholesome girls? Those are the ones guys start looking for when they get serious.” I had my arms crossed. “I hear you trying to dig yourself out of that comment, but all I can see is you getting deeper and deeper into the hole. Feel free to keep digging, though.” Davey smirked. “Think about it. You know it’s true. You’re a catch. You’re just the kind of catch that most guys start trying to reel in once they’re done being idiots. The kind of catch a guy isn’t just going to want to have some fun with and then toss back into the river.”
― Penelope Bloom, Her Bush

“I had to go into three grocery stores to find a single banana that had no hints of green and no brown spots. I don't think I'd ever seen him as serious as he was when he was describing the specifications of the banana. At least ten inches. Firm. No bruises. No green. He even made me put my hands together so I had a way to measure the length and be sure it was big enough but not too big. It was more like he was telling me how to defuse a bomb in the basement of a kindergarten.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“Hmm,” I heard Bruce say as he walked up from behind me. “A hundred copies of somebody’s order receipt for fiber pills from Amazon. Yes. I can see why we would need to circulate that around the office.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Banana

“I was just thinking about how if I breathe out hooh, it’s cold, but if I breathe out, haah, it’s hot.”
― Penelope Bloom, Her Bush

“Grammy took them both in with hard eyes, the nodded and smiled. "I like you better than your brother, Bruce. He's a real dickhole."
"What the fuck?" I asked.
"You stole my slippers. I know it was you!”
― Penelope Bloom, Her Cherry

“broken hearts are the price we pay on the road to finding love.”
― Penelope Bloom, One Frosty Pucking Meet Cute

“It was, without a doubt, the worst painting I’d ever seen a grown adult produce. If Jackson Pollock had a baby with Picasso and the baby grew up to be a cocaine addict who painted with shaky withdrawal hands, it still would’ve been better than Ryan’s work.”
― Penelope Bloom, His Treat

“Anything you have to say to her can be said in front of me,” Raith states, voice deadly calm. “Is that because you’re too dense to comprehend it, or because you fancy yourself as some sort of guard dog?” “Maybe come closer. Find out if I bite.”
― Penelope Bloom, Unbound

“whisper-yelled in the universally recognized mom-tone where you don’t want to be judged for being a bad parent but your kid is absolutely making you look like a bad parent.”
― Penelope Bloom, Her Secret

“Oh. I have this rule. If a guy can throw me three feet, I ignore three red flags. Four feet means four flags, and so on. I think Tristan could throw me super far, so there’s really no amount of red flagging to scare me off him.”
― Penelope Bloom, Sincerely, Up Yours

“40 RAITH”
― Penelope Bloom, Unbound

“The left side of his face is twisted with burn scars that begin at his temple and disappear beneath his collar, yet somehow they only enhance his dangerous allure, like veins of fire frozen beneath his skin.”
― Penelope Bloom, Unbound

“I need you with me, Typhon. What if somebody looks at me wrong? Who will threaten to eat them?”
― Penelope Bloom, Unbound

“Good," I said. "Because I’m going to do several stupid things all at once. But I think stupid works like negative numbers. As long as you combine the right amount of stupids, you wind up with a smart.”
― Penelope Bloom, Hate Notes: A Grumpy Boss Romantic Comedy

“money is just another drug, but it’s one that only a tiny fraction of the population can afford to build up a tolerance to.”
― Penelope Bloom, The Objects of Attraction: The Complete 6-Book Collection

“There were crinkles around her eyes but she was still beautiful and always supportive. I’d forgotten how good it felt to know she was in my corner. My dad was looking around Christian’s apartment with his hands shoved in his blue”
― Penelope Bloom, Once Upon a Grump