Alina Jacobs > Quotes

“To Hallmark for giving us all the Christmas movies that nobody asked for but we all watch anyway.”
― Alina Jacobs, Licking Her Christmas Cookies

“There is money at the end of this rainbow of shit, I reminded myself.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“No.” Anderson’s deep voice cut through my family’s excited chatter. “Evie is not your surrogate. The only man impregnating her is me.” “Whew! Now I’m dreaming of a white Christmas!” Granny Doyle fanned herself.”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“You know, I did two combat tours in Iraq, and somehow being your fake boyfriend is way more of a clusterfuck,” he”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Our love endures because you endure me. –H”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“It’s the holidays,” Anderson said carefully. “They make people crazy, give people existential crises. There’s not a lot of sunlight. You start remembering the bad times with your family, thinking about another year over, another year possibly wasted. You’ll feel like your old self in January.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“She is sick of incompetent men being given all the credit and all the benefit of the doubt. New Year’s resolution—I am not making myself small so that rude pompous men can feel better about themselves. Put up or get out.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“when you’re part of a big family, what’s more fun than passive-aggressively one-upping your siblings and/or cousins at being the perfect hostess?”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“Maybe she was having a bad day,” Lexi said as she unwrapped the chocolate bar the saleswoman had given her. “And yeah, I could have been mean, but now maybe she’ll remember that the person she judged was actually fun and really nice, and she will be more open-minded in the future. Kindness pays dividends.”
― Alina Jacobs, The Art of Awkward Affection

“Was it too early for a drink? Didn’t 1950s housewives start drinking at like nine in the morning?”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Get your fucking hands off of my woman.” Clive lets out a screech. “I didn’t—I wasn’t—” he babbles as he cranes his head back to look up at— “Fitz?” “So you came here to steal what’s mine, to take my girl?” He ignores me, focused predator-like on Clive. “Just a misunderstanding.” “S-s-s-sorry, sir. I was here for her sister. My profile says ‘no fatties.’” In half a second, that imported shoe kicks out, and Clive’s flat on his ass on the floor of my café, feet waving in the air. “What the fuck did you say?” “Just, I—ah—” The heel of Fitz’s dress shoe grinds into Clive’s wrist. “Fitz!” I grab his arm, trying to haul him off. It’s granite under a velvet sleeve. I can’t budge him. He’s not even trying to resist me, his attention focused on Clive, who’s a sweaty, begging puddle on my black-and-white-checkered floor. “We seem to be having a miscommunication issue. What did you say?” Fitz’s eyes are scary dark. “I, uh… no, uh… f—” The boot grinds into his arm. “Fitz, please. Someone’s going to call the police.” “What did you say?” “Uh… no, uh… no goddesses. She’s too good for me.”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Emotionally Unstable

“Fuck you, Hudson Wynter. I hope Santa drop-kicks you off a roof!”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Granny Murray stated. “God doesn’t give with both hands. A man’s not going to have a giant dick, a hot body, and a big bank account. You have to pick one.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Thought killed, assassinated, nuked from orbit,”
― Alina Jacobs, The Art of Awkward Affection

“This is what I need, I told myself, rolling my neck, trying to loosen my shoulders. Just some good ol’ fashioned violence.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“To anyone whos ever consumed an entire bottle of wine and a gingerbread house in one sitting…this one’s for you.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Goddamn it. I could be at home rewatching Jane Austen remakes. Now we’re going to have dinner. I want this lobster mac ’n’ cheese.”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Emotionally Unstable

“It’s not a decision. It’s fate,”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“I fucking hate Christmas.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“I believed that you must be the change you want to see in the world.”
― Alina Jacobs, The Art of Awkward Affection

“Also, I had a feeling Luke would be way better in bed, but to be fair, any sex experience was going to be better than a quickie on a bedroll out in the middle of nowhere under the light of a full moon. Yeah, it sounded romantic and spiritual until you were pulling leaves out of your vagina and wondering if you had frostbite on your pinky toe.”
― Alina Jacobs, Sleigh Bells and Slaughter

“dried me up, and now here I am, about to have to change my underwear.”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“It was a recent development.” My mouth was dry. “‘Once you have a murderer’s dick, you can’t go back’ type of thing?” Sawyer joked.”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“Come out with me,” the guy was saying. If she agreed, I was going to lose it, not in an, I’ll-say-something-snarky way but in an I’m-going-to-jail sort of way.”
― Alina Jacobs, The Art of Awkward Affection

“Only you can change your life. No one can do it for you.”
― Alina Jacobs, Eating Her Christmas Cookies

“I don’t have a boyfriend because I am not built for a soft man. I don’t listen, am mean, will talk back, talk shit for fun, and have about five different personalities. All of them bad.”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Emotionally Unstable

“Only,” I gasped, “if you leave the helmet on. Give me the full villain treatment.”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“See, I’m like a cockroach—I was born in garbage, I have a hundred siblings, and I can survive in a nuclear wasteland on spite and shit. Can you?”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Absolutely Not!

“Don't cry," he said and kissed me. "Stick with me, Chloe. I promise it will be Christmas every day of the year.”
― Alina Jacobs, Eating Her Christmas Cookies

“Yikes, are we circling back to the VeggieTales fan fiction that got us kicked out of Vacation Bible School the summer of sixth grade?” “I stand by that fan fiction.”
― Alina Jacobs, Mr. Emotionally Unstable