Alina Jacobs > Quotes

“To Hallmark for giving us all the Christmas movies that nobody asked for but we all watch anyway.”
― Alina Jacobs, Licking Her Christmas Cookies

“You know, I did two combat tours in Iraq, and somehow being your fake boyfriend is way more of a clusterfuck,” he”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“There is money at the end of this rainbow of shit, I reminded myself.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“It’s the holidays,” Anderson said carefully. “They make people crazy, give people existential crises. There’s not a lot of sunlight. You start remembering the bad times with your family, thinking about another year over, another year possibly wasted. You’ll feel like your old self in January.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Maybe she was having a bad day,” Lexi said as she unwrapped the chocolate bar the saleswoman had given her. “And yeah, I could have been mean, but now maybe she’ll remember that the person she judged was actually fun and really nice, and she will be more open-minded in the future. Kindness pays dividends.”
― Alina Jacobs, The Art of Awkward Affection

“Fuck you, Hudson Wynter. I hope Santa drop-kicks you off a roof!”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Granny Murray stated. “God doesn’t give with both hands. A man’s not going to have a giant dick, a hot body, and a big bank account. You have to pick one.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“when you’re part of a big family, what’s more fun than passive-aggressively one-upping your siblings and/or cousins at being the perfect hostess?”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“Was it too early for a drink? Didn’t 1950s housewives start drinking at like nine in the morning?”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“This is what I need, I told myself, rolling my neck, trying to loosen my shoulders. Just some good ol’ fashioned violence.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Thought killed, assassinated, nuked from orbit,”
― Alina Jacobs, The Art of Awkward Affection

“No.” Anderson’s deep voice cut through my family’s excited chatter. “Evie is not your surrogate. The only man impregnating her is me.” “Whew! Now I’m dreaming of a white Christmas!” Granny Doyle fanned herself.”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“She is sick of incompetent men being given all the credit and all the benefit of the doubt. New Year’s resolution—I am not making myself small so that rude pompous men can feel better about themselves. Put up or get out.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Our love endures because you endure me. –H”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Why are you lying to me?” my older brother demanded. “What are you hiding?” Hudson and Grayson looked at me expectantly. “It was an accident,” Aaron, that fucker, piped up. “She hit him in the face with a dildo. Of course he’s going to lie to you, Hudson. It’s fucking embarrassing.” “It did that much damage?” Grayson peered at my face. “It was reinforced. It’s like a hunk of concrete.” I mimed. “With rebar.” Hudson swore violently. “That’s what went through my truck window, isn’t it?”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“Only,” I gasped, “if you leave the helmet on. Give me the full villain treatment.”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“Only you can change your life. No one can do it for you.”
― Alina Jacobs, Eating Her Christmas Cookies

“It’s still hard for me to believe that my mom got her happy ending. She always believed in romance”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf on the Edge

“Come out with me,” the guy was saying. If she agreed, I was going to lose it, not in an, I’ll-say-something-snarky way but in an I’m-going-to-jail sort of way.”
― Alina Jacobs, The Art of Awkward Affection

“there?”
― Alina Jacobs, Dates I Love to Hate

“dried me up, and now here I am, about to have to change my underwear.”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“Gracie and I met in a gas station restroom.” The dining room was so quiet you could hear elf footsteps. Hudson took a sip of his beer. I scrunched down in my seat. I had a sinking feeling this was not going to be a wholesome story about how he’d caught me when I slipped on a spilled slushie. “We hooked up,” Hudson said, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. “I didn’t know her name.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“To anyone whos ever consumed an entire bottle of wine and a gingerbread house in one sitting…this one’s for you.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“Also, I had a feeling Luke would be way better in bed, but to be fair, any sex experience was going to be better than a quickie on a bedroll out in the middle of nowhere under the light of a full moon. Yeah, it sounded romantic and spiritual until you were pulling leaves out of your vagina and wondering if you had frostbite on your pinky toe.”
― Alina Jacobs, Sleigh Bells and Slaughter

“I believed that you must be the change you want to see in the world.”
― Alina Jacobs, The Art of Awkward Affection

“Apologies are overrated. Get cash.”
― Alina Jacobs, Elf Against the Wall

“Harrogate cannot be known as the town that wouldn't let children sell popsicles.”
― Alina Jacobs, On His Paintbrush

“I fucking hate Christmas.”
― Alina Jacobs, Good Elf Gone Wrong

“toilet; I was puking outside in the bushes like a goddamn American.”
― Alina Jacobs, It's Mother-Pucking Christmas!

“Don't cry," he said and kissed me. "Stick with me, Chloe. I promise it will be Christmas every day of the year.”
― Alina Jacobs, Eating Her Christmas Cookies