James Breakwell > Quotes

“I'm not a quitter. I'm a never-starter. There's a difference.”
― James Breakwell

“My wife gave birth 4 times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.
I gave birth 0 times and I don't fit in my pants from March.”
― James Breakwell

“Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine. Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame. Then I know.”
― James Breakwell

“My 3-year-old called her eyebrows "eye mustaches". I was going to correct her, but instead I upgraded my vocabulary.”
― James Breakwell

“I've never been thrown out of a bar, but I got kicked out of a tea party for slurping my imaginary tea.”
― James Breakwell

“Since zombies are slower than humans, your family should be able to calmly turn around and walk away from danger. That’s the theory. In practice, executing even the simplest maneuver with kids is virtually impossible. They naturally do the opposite of what you tell them, unless they anticipated you’d use reverse psychology. Then they do the opposite of whatever you said. If you understood those sentences at all, you’ve already spent too much time with your children.”
― James Breakwell, Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

“​Do get a copy of this book you can keep. If you use it right, it’ll be covered in dirt and blood splatter by the end. The last thing you need in the apocalypse is a hefty library fine. ​Don’t tell your friends about this book. You need every advantage you can get over the competition. It’s a person-eat-person world out there.”
― James Breakwell, Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

“Marriage has a built-in system of checks and balances. The checks aren’t so much like Congress checking a president as they are like one hockey player checking another into a wall. It hurts, but it’s also a wakeup call—assuming you ever wake up.”
― James Breakwell, Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

“Reach for the stars. Really stretch. They're still billions of miles away. Just like your dreams.”
― James Breakwell

“The chances of a zombie outbreak beginning in a daycare are alarmingly high. Toddlers are walking Petri dishes. Every major illness starts with them. They are so contagious that NATO’s current germ warfare policy is to parachute preschoolers into enemy countries. A single runny nose could wipe out North Korea. Little kids have undeveloped immune systems and love to eat food off the floor. To diseases, they’re Disneyland. Put twelve toddlers in a room together and you’ll have the deadliest germ laboratory in the world. Everyone knows the bubonic plague started in a daycare. I don’t see why the first case of zombieism will be any different.”
― James Breakwell, Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

“It's easy to predict human actions once you assume everyone is a jerk.”
― James Breakwell, Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

“There’s nothing more evil than a screen. Every modern serial killer has watched television at least once. They probably looked at a computer screen, too. Hell, they even may have used a screen door. And don’t get me started on sunscreen. Have you ever seen a serial killer with sunburn? You don’t need to be a homicidal maniac to recognize the danger of screens. Everything bad shows up on them. Violence. Nudity. Work. That last one always gets me. I can walk away from The Naked Murder Show, but work emails follow me to the bathroom.”
― James Breakwell, Bare Minimum Parenting: The Ultimate Guide to Not Quite Ruining Your Child

“When I slipped on that wedding ring, I got more than a partner for life; I gained a standing veto to all my best schemes. Marriage has a built-in system of checks and balances. The checks aren’t so much like Congress checking a president as they are like one hockey player checking another into a wall. It hurts, but it’s also a wakeup call—assuming you ever wake up.”
― James Breakwell, Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

“zombies could destroy everything and nobody would notice the difference. I’m looking at you, New Jersey.”
― James Breakwell, Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

“There will be bills to pay right up to the second civilization collapses and money loses all value forever. Then millions of greenbacks won’t be worth as much as a single serving of beans. That’s why you should toss a few extra cans in your cart every time you go to the grocery store. Someday you’ll be the richest person in the world.”
― James Breakwell, Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

“The only place safe from bears is the vacuum of space, and even there, water bears can survive indefinitely.”
― James Breakwell, How to Save Your Child from Ostrich Attacks, Accidental Time Travel, and Anything Else that Might Happen on an Average Tuesday

“The undead are immune to all burns, both physical and emotional.”
― James Breakwell, Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

“To keep your kid safe from polar bears in the Arctic Circle, don't take your kids to the Arctic Circle. Seriously, what kind of vacation is that? There are no major theme parks, and Santa's workshop is just one big tourist trap. Try Hawaii instead.”
― James Breakwell, How to Save Your Child from Ostrich Attacks, Accidental Time Travel, and Anything Else that Might Happen on an Average Tuesday

“Small children always bounce back. Parents think of them as fragile flowers, but they’re more like weeds: They show up whenever they want, grow like crazy, and make your garden look terrible. But most importantly, nothing kills them. I’ve seen dandelions soak up bottles of herbicide and toddlers eat handfuls of cereal from inside a dusty vent. Both pests are still here.”
― James Breakwell, Bare Minimum Parenting: The Ultimate Guide to Not Quite Ruining Your Child

“...bears sleep months at a time by design, and everyone just leaves them alone. Can you imagine any other animal spending that much time unconscious and NOT being eaten by something else? Bears rose to the top of the food chain solely so they could dedicate half their lives to sleep. It's the world's most intimidating power nap.”
― James Breakwell, How to Save Your Child from Ostrich Attacks, Accidental Time Travel, and Anything Else that Might Happen on an Average Tuesday

“Parents have many weapons at their disposal, but only one has the power to destroy anyone or anything in its path. A solider has a rifle. A Jedi has a light saber. A parent has an umbrella stroller.”
― James Breakwell, Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse