Christopher Buckley > Quotes

“That's the beauty of argument, if you argue correctly, you're never wrong.”
― Christopher Buckley

“How many times had those awful words - "I know what I'm doing" - been uttered throughout history as prelude to disaster? ”
― Christopher Buckley, Supreme Courtship

“Oil they would buy from anyone. From Satan.”
― Christopher Buckley, Florence of Arabia

“I looked at Mum and realized -- twang! -- that she was telling an untruth. A big untruth. And I remember thinking in that instant how thrilling and grown-up it must be to say something so completely untrue, as opposed to the little amateur fibs I was already practiced at -- horrid little apprentice sinner that I was --like the ones about you'd already said your prayers or washed under the fingernails. Yes, I was impressed. I too must learn to say these gorgeous untruths. Imaginary kings and queens would be my houseguests when I was older.”
― Christopher Buckley, Losing Mum and Pup

“Nothing raises the national temperature more than a VACANCY sign hanging from the colonnaded front of the Supreme Court. ”
― Christopher Buckley, Supreme Courtship

“Women might just have something to contribute to civilization other than their vaginas".”
― Christopher Buckley

“Necessity is the motherfucker of invention.”
― Christopher Buckley, Thank You for Smoking

“People believe unbelievable things because it's self-flattering to think that you are intellectually daring enough to accept what others find preposterous.”
― Christopher Buckley

“You never remember who came to the funeral, but you never forget who didn’t.”
― Christopher Buckley, Losing Mum and Pup

“Justices look solemn in their formal black robes, but every so often they like to have a little fun by taking on a strange case, or overturning a presidential election, that sort of thing.”
― Christopher Buckley, Supreme Courtship

“Perhaps, after all, the most beautiful words in the language are I’m sorry.”
― Christopher Buckley, Losing Mum and Pup

“They embraced and parted. They never saw each other again.”
― Christopher Buckley

“In our corrupt times, the virtue of a Pontiff is commended when he does not surpass the wickedness of other men. —Francesco Guicciardini, History of Italy, 1561”
― Christopher Buckley, The Relic Master

“Let's look at this rationally...We've got a doctor who may kill him, an Attorney General who wants to declare him bananas, and a Defense Secretary who wants me to start World War III...First, we ruled out starting World War III. We were down to killing the President or having him carted off by the men in white coats...”
― Christopher Buckley, The White House Mess

“In cyberspace, everyone can hear you scream.”
― Christopher Buckley

“A twenty-minute eulogy, unless composed by a) William Shakespeare, b) Winston Churchill, or c) Mark Twain, is sixteen minutes too long. Technical note: It is better to tell a eulogist to speak for four minutes not five minutes. “Five minutes” to the modern ear sounds like “around five minutes,” whereas “four minutes” means “four minutes.”
― Christopher Buckley, Losing Mum and Pup

“It was—unthinkable: three of the most powerful men in Europe—the world—the Pope, the Emperor Maximilian, and Albrecht—all wanted Luther tied to a stake and burned. Yet each time they reached out to light the fire, Luther snatched the torch from their hands and set fire to their own robes. How was a mere monk able to do this? Because he was protected by the Elector Frederick, who declined to hand over one of his Saxon subjects to other authority. What did Frederick have to gain by shielding Luther?”
― Christopher Buckley, The Relic Master

“Why should you give up God because of gunpowder? Since the world began, God in his wisdom has given us tools with which to slaughter each other. Jawbones of asses. Slings. Swords. Crossbows. Why shouldn’t he give us gunpowder?”
― Christopher Buckley, The Relic Master

“There is no point in arguing if you are not susceptible to reason. Embrace your cynicism. Hug it.”
― Christopher Buckley, The Relic Master

“You could drink hard liquor in the middle of a school day without people assuming you were an alcoholic underachiever. Strange how in America in the 1950s, at the height of its industrial and imperial power, men drank double-martinis for lunch. Now, in its decline, they drank fizzy water. Somewhere something had gone terribly wrong.”
― Christopher Buckley, Thank You for Smoking

“Rudy Giuliani, the president’s former personal attorney, was now living in the Julian Assange suite at the Ecuadorean embassy in London. While changing planes at Heathrow, Rudy was tipped off that the Justice Department had issued a warrant for his arrest for injurious punditry and pernicious legal representation.”
― Christopher Buckley, Make Russia Great Again

“I was an only child with a lot of time to kill. I suspect a lot of writers are only children, or only children become writers because it's a way of being alone.”
― Christopher Buckley

“Once they’re both gone, your parents’ house instantly turns into a museum.”
― Christopher Buckley, Losing Mum and Pup

“Ronald Reagan used to say that the nine scariest words in the English language were ‘I’m from the government, and I’m here to help.”
― Christopher Buckley, Boomsday

“Oderint dum metuant.” “You’re going to have to translate that for me. I didn’t go to Gratin.” “It’s Groton. Means ‘Let them hate, so long as they fear.’ Cato.”
― Christopher Buckley, Boomsday

“It’s the fate of many propositions,” Terry said, “to begin as heresies and end as truths. I read that somewhere, anyway.”
― Christopher Buckley, Boomsday

“You do this pronoun shift. You may not even be aware of it. If it’s a ‘bold idea,’ it’s ‘ours.’ If it’s a ‘nutty idea,’ it’s ‘yours.’” “Grammar Nazi. Would it be enough to say I want to be president to . . .” “I’m listening.” Randy said, “I was about to say, ‘To give something back,’ but it sounds so pathetic. What it really boils down to is, I’d like to be in charge for just five minutes. Balance the books. Get us out of debt. Be nice to our friends, tell our enemies to fuck off. Clean up the air and water. Throw corporate crooks in the clink. Put the dignity back in government. Fix things. What else . . .? Can’t have Arabs blowing up our buildings, certainly, but I now know that we don’t need to be sending armies everywhere. Among other things, it’s expensive. . ..” “I’m sorry, were you talking? I went to sleep after ‘balance the books.”
― Christopher Buckley, Boomsday

“Speechwriters are fundamentally Calvinist: They become nervous if their principals exhibit free will and depart from the prepared text.”
― Christopher Buckley, Boomsday

“Block of Death. Just inside the door on the left is the room where they held the proceedings. Jarek remarks that the SS officer who sentenced five thousand Poles here to die was still alive last year, living in Germany, age ninety-two. We ask why. He shrugs. At the far end on the corridor, on the left, looking out into the courtyard, is the room where the condemned were stripped and held. An illustration depicts a naked girl holding on to her mother’s legs as the SS guard comes for them. High on the wall, a prisoner scratched graffiti, a name and the date and the words, “Sentenced to die.” Beneath that is the date of the next day and the words, “I’m still here.”
― Christopher Buckley, But Enough About You: Essays

“Give me smart, young, and angry and I’ll move the world.”
― Christopher Buckley, Boomsday