Chris Dolley > Quotes

“... the Possession Diet. It's fast. It works. It introduces you to new, healthier foods. And it's almost never fatal.”
― Chris Dolley, How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight

“Professor Raylene's ground breaking study found that subjects with Tourrette's Syndrome burned more calories than Lutherans.”
― Chris Dolley, How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight

“Mom?''

''Its your first bank heist, son. I couldnt sit at home and worry. I had to come and help''

''But ... but... How did you get here? How did you know''

''A mother knows these things, Jimmy. You put your favorite ski mask in the wash. And I heard you talking to Mikey''

''Mom! Dont use our real names!'' hissed Jimmy

Brenda had to look away. Her body was shaking with silent laughter. She had to cover her mouth with a hand. 'You put your favourite ski mask in the wash'. Brian had excelled himself”
― Chris Dolley, Medium Dead

“This is the FBI Hostage Negotiations Service. Press one if you wish to surrender. Press two for a getaway car. Press three for a helicopter. Press four for a pizza”
― Chris Dolley, Medium Dead

“He likens the physical being to a car, and the spiritual being to the driver. And possession is like carrying a passenger who shares the driving. And occasionally takes the car out for a spin without telling you. And maybe ties you up and stuffs you in the trunk.”
― Chris Dolley, How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight

“Spirits have cravings--they're only human (well, some of them are)--but the amazing thing about these cravings is that they are SLIMMING POSITIVE! That's right, spirits don't crave sugary foods, or fat, or chocolate, or deep-fried carbs. They crave HEALTHY food like raw liver and bugs and those tiny dried-up foods you find in old attics and the better-stocked graveyards.”
― Chris Dolley, How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight

“Stepford University--one of the leading research university on the PLANET with over THREE MILLION likes on Facebook. That's more than Harvard, and SIX times as many as Stanford.”
― Chris Dolley, How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight

“Clinical trials have proven that projectile vomiting is up to FOUR times more efficient than ordinary vomiting. You don't even have to run to the bathroom! With practice, and careful placement of your chair within thirty feet--and line of sight--of your bathroom, you can project your lunch from the comfort of your armchair.”
― Chris Dolley, How Possession Can Help You Lose Weight

“Good choice. You have selected the SUV. Press one for a black SUV. Press two for powder blue. Press three for bright orange with the 'caution: bank robber on board' bumper sticker”
― Chris Dolley, Medium Dead

“I don't think you can arrest anyone for a country house murder without having a proper denoument first," I said. "It's just not done."
"A what-ment, sir?" said the sergeant.
"Denoument. It's the bit where the detective invites all the suspects into the drawing room and spends an hour pointing the finger at people and explaining who did what, how, and why."
"Don't like the sound of that either," said the sergeant. "I be not one for public speaking."
"You wouldn't have to," I said. "I'd do the talking for you, I'm a bit of a consulting detective, don't you know? You'd be there to do the arresting at the end. They usually try to make a run for it."
"Ho!" said the sergeant. "That sounds more like it! When we be having this denoument?"
"Soon," I said.”
― Chris Dolley, The Unpleasantness at Baskerville Hall

“This sounded to me like a three-cocktail problem and there I was without so much as an olive!”
― Chris Dolley, Reggiecide

“I always find pacing aids the detecting process. Well, that and gin. But as our host hadn't offered the latter, the former had to suffice.”
― Chris Dolley, Reggiecide

“Roderick Baskerville-Smythe, estranged scion of this parish,” I replied. “I believe I’m expected.” “Oh,”
― Chris Dolley, The Unpleasantness at Baskerville Hall

“heated the water in the winter, storing the water in a tank, and in the summer you switched over to a gas-fired heater. Very sensible and it may well have worked four years ago when it was last used but it didn’t appear to want to work for us. We tried the gas heater first, we connected up our new bottle of Butagaz, turned on the tap and… Nothing. Was our system set to summer or winter? We went in search of the switch. Unfortunately it wasn’t obvious. We were told it lived in the cupboard behind the range but so did about eight others”
― Chris Dolley, French Fried: One man's move to France with too many animals and an identity thief

“We need expert help and Mr Worcester is the soul of discretion."

"It's a consulting detective's middle name," I said. "Sometimes I don't even know what I'm investigating.”
― Chris Dolley, Reggiecide