Fred Allen > Quotes

“I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.”
― Fred Allen

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to be well-known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”
― Fred Allen

“I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”
― Fred Allen

“California is a fine place to live, if you happen to be an orange.”
― Fred Allen

“A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.”
― Fred Allen

“Televisio is a vehicle that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.”
― Fred Allen

“A human being is nothing but a story with skin around it.”
― Fred Allen

“You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.”
― Fred Allen

“It is bad to suppress laughter. It goes back down and spreads to your hips.”
― Fred Allen

“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
― Fred Allen

“Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.”
― Fred Allen

“Radio is called a medium because it is rare that anything is well done.”
― Fred Allen

“I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.”
― Fred Allen

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”
― Fred Allen

“All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it.”
― Fred Allen

“I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.”
― Fred Allen

“The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand. ”
― Fred Allen

“Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted. ”
― Fred Allen

“If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.”
― Fred Allen

“Imitation is the sincerest form of television.”
― Fred Allen

“I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”
― Fred Allen

“a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done”
― Fred Allen

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to
avoid being recognized.”
― Fred Allen, Much Ado About Me

“An actor, to spend his entire life as an actor, has to have the mind of a child. A writer at sixty can be a Steinbeck, a Faulkner, or a Hemingway. An actor at sixty can make a funny face or do a creaky dance. The actor lives a reasonable-facsimile existence while cavorting in an unreal world. The value of an actor’s services are determined by the needs of another person.”
― Fred Allen, Much Ado About Me

“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.”
― Fred Allen

“You only live once. But if you work it right, once is enough.”
― Fred Allen

“Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you. ”
― Fred Allen

“A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.”
― Fred Allen

“An actor’s success has the life expectancy of a small boy about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.”
― Fred Allen

“Do you think if ignorance was catching that I’d be a carrier?”
― Fred Allen