mad comedy > Quotes

“The President of Oz Presidents Trump, Clinton, and Obama are flying together on Air Force On when they are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After great difficulty, they finally make it down the yellow brick road to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Barack Obama steps forward timidly, "My foreign policy was pretty bad. I had a terrible time getting bullied by Iran and Syria and Russia and Libya, so I've come for some courage." "NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Donald Trump steps forward, "Well, this job is harder than I thought. I... I think I need a brain. A yuge brain!”
"DONE" says the Wizard.
"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
Bill replies, "Is Dorothy around?"
Politics
A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Dad, what is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people.” The boy nodded. His father continued, “The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy nodded again, and went off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper.
The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored, and the future is in deep shit.”
― mad comedy, World's Greatest Truly Offensive Jokes 2018

“Bright Lights Q. How many White House advisors does it take to change a light bulb? A. None.  They’re supposed to keep the President in the dark.”
― mad comedy, World's Dumbest President: A Compendium of the Funniest Jokes about America’s Worst President

“What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? American teenage girls get stoned before they have sex.”
― mad comedy, World's Dirtiest Jokes

“Traveler’s Disease A businessman returns from a long trip to Asia. After a few days, he notices strange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors, but they all give him the same terrifying prognosis. They all say: "You've been screwing around in the Far East, and this disease is very common there, but there’s no cure. We'll have to cut it off." The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Thailand. The Thai doctor examines his penis closely and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?" The man replies, "Yes, I saw several in the USA."
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!”
The Thai doctor smiles, nods, "That’s totally wrong.”
“Oh, thank God!” the man replied.
The doctor continued, “Yes, it will fall off by itself.”
― mad comedy, World's Greatest Truly Offensive Jokes 2018

“Psst! Hey kid! What does Father O'Malley give for a blow job?"
Timmy smiles and answers, "Usually a Big Mac and a chocolate shake.”
― mad comedy, World's Greatest Truly Offensive Jokes 2018

“Ducks and Skunks A baby duck and a baby skunk raced across the highway, dodging cars and narrowly escaping death. Their families, however, were all killed by a truck barreling down the highway. Upon reaching the other side, the little duck tells the baby skunk, "My parents both died and didn't tell me what I am."
"Well," says the baby skunk, "You are yellow and you have a bill and webbed feet. You must be a duck."
The duck thanked him.
The baby skunk then tells the duck, "My parents didn't tell me what I am, either."
"Well," says the baby duck, "You're not quite black and you're not quite white and you smell bad. You must be Mexican.”
― mad comedy, World's Greatest Truly Offensive Jokes 2018

“Q. What is something nine out of ten people enjoy? A. Gang rape.”
― mad comedy, World's Dirtiest Jokes

“Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty about it all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.” But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering, “Dave, you’re a vet…”
― mad comedy, World's Dirtiest Jokes

“The Mother-in-Law
I was walking with my wife and we came across her mother being beaten up by six guys.
My wife cried, “Aren't you going to help?”
I said, “Nah, six should be enough.”
― mad comedy, World's Greatest Truly Offensive Jokes 2018

“Three explorers representing North America are traveling through the Amazon on a joint mission to search for diamond deposits.  The team consists of a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.  The three of them have a less-than-friendly rivalry and are always looking for ways to demonstrate the superiority of their home country. Suddenly, a spear-wielding tribe surrounds them in the jungle.  The three explorers have their hands tied behind their backs and are led deep into the jungle to the tribe’s village. The explorers, having heard stories of blood-thirsty cannibals in the Amazonian jungle, beg for their lives. The tribe’s chief announces that he will mercifully free the men, but each man will be whipped ten times for trespassing onto tribal lands. The chief of the tribe says to the Canadian, "What do you want us to put on your back for your whipping?" The Canadian replies, "I will take some of my great Canadian maple syrup!" So the tribe puts his syrup on his back, and a large member of the tribe whips him ten times.”
― mad comedy, World's Dirtiest Jokes

“It’s a Gay Life A young gay man calls home and tells his mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother, a strict Muslim, that he is sure she will be happier because he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, “I suppose it would be too much to hope that she comes from a good family?” He tells her she comes from a rich, famous, and powerful family. His mother admits she’s overwhelmed by the news, and asks, delighted, “What is her name?” He answers, “Tiffany Trump.” There is a pause, then his mother asks, “What happened to that nice boy you were dating last year?”
― mad comedy, World's Dumbest President: A Compendium of the Funniest Jokes about America’s Worst President

“The President of Oz Presidents Trump, Clinton, and Obama are flying together on Air Force On when they are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After great difficulty, they finally make it down the yellow brick road to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Barack Obama steps forward timidly, "My foreign policy was pretty bad. I had a terrible time getting bullied by Iran and Syria and Russia and Libya, so I've come for some courage." "NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Donald Trump steps forward, "Well, this job is harder than I thought. I... I think I need a brain. A yuge brain!”
"DONE" says the Wizard.
"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
Bill replies, "Is Dorothy around?”
― mad comedy, World's Greatest Truly Offensive Jokes 2018

“Bill Clinton, Barack Obama, and Jimmy Carter, all three of the living Democratic Presidents, are flying back on a luxurious fuel-guzzling private jet from a conference where they all collected million-dollar fees to speak on the evils of capitalism.  Jimmy Carter brought ten adorable young schoolgirls from his church choir to sing at the conference, and he insisted that they fly back on the top-of-the-line jet with the former Presidents. As the plane is over the Atlantic, they encounter terrible turbulence, rocking and shaking the plane.  Suddenly, one engine dies.  Then the other engine dies.  The plane begins to plummet toward the ocean below.  The poor young girls on the plane begin to cry. Jimmy Carter gets up to check with the pilots and returns with bad news.  “Gentlemen, we’re going down, and there aren’t enough parachutes on the plane for us and all the girls.” Barack Obama grabs a parachute and said, “Fuck the schoolgirls.”
― mad comedy, World's Dirtiest Jokes

“Marital Bliss Donald and Melania Trump are sitting in the White House one night watching Fox News. Suddenly, Melania reaches over and smacks her husband, knocking him off his chair. Donald crawls back up and whines, "What was that for?"
She says, "For having a little pecker."
He sits there quietly a moment, then leans over smacks her, knocking her off of her chair. She crawls back and complains, "What was that for?"
He replies, "For knowing there is more than one size.”
― mad comedy, World's Dumbest President: A Compendium of the Funniest Jokes about America’s Worst President

“The Nursing Home There was an old man in a nursing home who had felt lonely since his wife had passed, and everyday he would sit at the same bench and stare at the trees in the yard. And elderly woman walked up to him one day and began to talk to him. She heard his story and was saddened by it, and asked if there was anything she could do to cheer him up. "Actually," the old man said, "you could hold my penis."
At first the lady thought this was strange, but she figured since she wasn’t doing anything bad, just holding his penis. No harm done. Day after day, she’d meet the guy and hold his penis and they would talk for hours on end. She began to enjoy the time and thought nothing about the penis holding. One day she went to the spot to find that the man was not there. For the next week she didn’t see her friend at the bench and began to worry. She found a nurse and asked, "Did he pass away?"
The woman held her breath, afraid of the answer.
But the nurse responded, "Oh, no! He's been by the pool everyday for about a week now." The elderly lady didn't quite understand why, but she walked over to the pool to find him. When she got there, she saw him sitting next to the pool with another woman holding his penis! The woman was irate.
"What's this?" she yelled at him. "Was my company not good enough for you? What does this woman have that I don't?"
The man looked up with a smile and said, "Parkinson’s.”
― mad comedy, World's Greatest Truly Offensive Jokes 2018