Graham Cann > Quotes

“The only reason I’ve taken up jogging is so I can hear heavy breathing again.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?  I don’t know and I don’t care.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“I’m totally deaf.  I never thought I’d hear myself say that.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“Doctor, I keep getting the urge to purchase a big white bear from the Arctic’.  ‘You’ve got buy polar disorder’.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“Arriving at work today a clown opened the door for me.  I thought ‘That’s a nice jester’.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“To the man who invented zero.  Thanks for nothing.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“shit. I’ve just got back from the funeral of my best friend.  He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.  It was a lovely service. Death is nature’s way of saying ‘Slow down’. I intend to live forever……or die trying. What happens when you get scared half to death twice? A man has died after falling into a vat of coffee.  It was instant. A Chinese man faked his death but his family were suspicious.  They didn’t bereave him. I saw an ad for burial plots.  I thought to myself ‘That’s the last thing I need’. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week and phoned her up to arrange a date.  Unfortunately, she’d popped her clogs. My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.  He said that it’s worth shelling out on good speakers. A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train.  When it happened, he was chuffed to bits. The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP. A Mexican stuntman died while making a film.  At his funeral, his mother approached the director and said ‘Jesus died for your scenes’. The Grim Reaper came for me last night and I beat him”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“If I’m ever feeling down, I just type ‘Yo are the best’ into Google.  It then responds ‘I think you mean “you are the best”’ and I feel so much better.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“I’ve been reading a book about anti-gravity.  It’s impossible to put down.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?  A stick.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“Make a man a fire and he’ll be warm for the night.  Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“I just asked my husband if he remembers what day it is today.  Scaring men is easy!”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“If you choke a Smurf, what colour will it turn?”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“Why are there five syllables in monosyllabic?”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“I’m still an atheist, thank God.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“Stressed’ is just ‘desserts’ spelt backwards.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“I have never understood why women love cats.  Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come when you call, they like to stay out all night and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep.  Every quality that women hate in men.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“Two tons of human hair destined for a wig maker has been stolen.  Police are combing the area. Police have just arrested the world tongue-twister champion. I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“I’ve just penned a song about a tortilla.  Actually it’s more of a wrap.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“I never forget a face but, in your case, I’m willing to make an exception.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body.  Then I was born.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“Standing in a park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets.  And then it hit me.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us”
― Graham Cann, Mindfulness for Beginners: A Practical Guide to Finding Peace and Happiness in an Anxious World

“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“We named our little girl after her mother.  Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five next week.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“If Shakespeare had written a work on puns, would that have been a play on words?”
― Graham Cann, Another 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“The tiles A, E, I, O, and U were discovered today in a dead Scrabble player’s stomach.  Vowel play is suspected.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“Why did the chicken commit suicide?  To get to the other side.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers

“I just burned 2000 calories.  Serves me right for having a nap while the brownies were cooking in the oven.”
― Graham Cann, 1001 One-Liners and Short Jokes: The Ultimate Collection of the Funniest, Laugh-Out-Loud Rib-Ticklers