Helen Ellis > Quotes

“I fix myself a hot chocolate because it is a gateway drug to reading.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“Take it from cats

If someone moves to make room for you, take up more room. If someone is looking over there, there’s something to see. If somebody sneezes, run. If someone brings a bag into your home, look inside it. If you don’t want someone to leave, sit on his suitcase. Clean between your toes. Flaunt your full figure. Hide loose change. Even though you can take care of yourself, it’s okay to let someone be nice to you. It’s fine to take a nap on the laundry. If you stand in a kitchen long enough, someone will feed you. If you’re alone in bed, use all the pillows. Just because it’s gorgeous outside doesn’t mean you have to go outside. Just because you can fit into something tight doesn’t mean that you belong in it. If you trust someone, open yourself like a cheap umbrella. If you want to be left alone, park yourself in a closet. If you want to surprise someone, lie in a bathtub and then jerk back the curtain when he sits on the toilet. If you’re not interested, don’t look interested. You don’t have to chase every bird that you see.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“A pink razor is like a mouse, where ever it is the pussy will follow.”
― Helen Ellis, Eating the Cheshire Cat

“You've got to have brains to play dumb.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“Is this too dressy?" is Southern Lady code for: I look fabulous and it would be in your best interest to tell me so.
"I'm not crazy about it" is code for: I hate that more than sugar-free
punch.
"What do you think about her?" is code for: I don't like her.
"She's always been lovely to me" is code for: I don't like her either.
"She has a big personality" means she's loud as a T. rex.
"She's the nicest person" means she's boring as pound cake.
"She has beautiful skin" means she's white as a tampon.
"She's old" means she's racist as Sandy Duncan in Roots.
"You are so bad!" is Southern Lady code for: That is the tackiest thing I've ever heard and I am delighted that you shared it with me.
"No, you're so bad!" is code for: Let's snitch and bitch.
"She's a character" means drunk.
"She has a good time means slut.
"She's sweet" means Asperger's.
"She's outdoorsy" means lesbian.
"Hmm" is Southern Lady code for: I don't agree with you but am polite enough not to rub your nose in your ignorance.
"Nice talking with you" is code for: Party's over, now scoot.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“If you don’t know what to do with the rest of your life, make your bed. If you’re going to be a couch potato, at least fluff the pillows. If you can’t afford pearls, red nail polish is your best accessory. If you don’t have time to do your nails, smile and stand up straight.”
― Helen Ellis, Southern Lady Code: Essays

“Sugar, nobody’s perfect. And when ladies try to be perfect, their periods stop.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“I cry because I don’t have the upper-arm strength to flatiron my hair. I”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“Just because you can fit into something tight doesn't mean that you belong in it.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“Mama says, " Helen Michelle, a lot of women have trouble saying no and then find themselves in worse situations because they were afraid of being rude. So, if you have trouble saying no, say 'No, thank you.' Let's practice.”
― Helen Ellis, Southern Lady Code: Essays

“Write what I know, who wants to read that? If only our apartment was haunted or I was the tiniest bit possessed by the devil.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“it's going great. Two months in, and I've created three apps."

"Apps?"

"For people who buy my book as an e-book --which will be everybody. The first is called Don't Look. It's for the overly sensitive. It blurs and turns the type red when a dog dies or a baby is born with a birth defect. Stuff like that. My second is It's Not Okay When You Say It, and it delivers an electrical zap if the reader laughs at a racial slur. My third is Jesus Thesaurus, which replaces explicit sexual language with church words. So, when one of my characters 'saints' a guy's 'disciple', He'll beg her to 'cavalry' his 'Baptists' and 'shout amen'.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“I study long-married couples and decide that wives are like bras: sometimes the most matronly are the most supportive.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“Face it: you’re never going to get carded again, so quit asking bouncers if they want to see your ID. Quit going places where they have bouncers.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“YA is about angst. Will I get that boy to like me? Will I lose the weight? Will I turn into a vampire if he just gives me a hickey? I’m an orphan! I’m a mind reader! I’m biracial! I’m gay! When I get out of high school, I’ll move to New York City, where I’ll find others like me, and then I’ll be happy and I will have it all: a career, a family, good teeth, and takeout Chinese.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“A good bra is fine, but a great bra is life changing. It gives you the confidence of a homecoming queen. It’s a tiara for your ta-tas.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“My novel is sponsored by Tampax. It’s the story of three generations of women and spans three decades. That’s a lot of menstruation. So every time a character rides the cotton pogo stick—Voilà! Tampax.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“French pedicures make your toes look like fingers. You look grabby. French pedicures are for man thieves.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“All we marrieds have a marriage chuckle. A marriage chuckle is a fake laugh you bring out when your spouse does something dumb that you have to pretend is charming. My”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“One of Mama's parenting mantras was: "Oh, Helen Michelle, I have yet to begin to embarrass you.”
― Helen Ellis, Southern Lady Code: Essays

“There’s nothing nicer than unexpected appreciation. If you’re grateful, get a pen.”
― Helen Ellis, Southern Lady Code: Essays

“I wore all black because I myself am a pop of color.”
― Helen Ellis, Bring Your Baggage and Don't Pack Light

“I want a book genre called “It’s not chick lit. It’s lit, bitch!”
― Helen Ellis, Bring Your Baggage and Don't Pack Light - Signed / Autographed Copy

“the only thing with less character than Chardonnay is wainscoting.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“I break into a sweat when I find a Sharpie cap, but not the pen.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“Southern Lady Code: a technique by which, if you don't have something nice to say, you say something not-so-nice in a nice way.”
― Helen Ellis , Southern Lady Code: Essays

“It's amazing that the city we live in allows "pets" that belong in a sideshow, but makes it illegal for me to have a switchblade.”
― Helen Ellis

“Because it turns out, "If it happens, it happens" is Southern Lady Code for we don't want kids.”
― Helen Ellis, Southern Lady Code: Essays

“You don't have to chase every bird that you see.”
― Helen Ellis, American Housewife

“I looked so preppy you'd guess my tramp stamp was a monogram”
― Helen Ellis, Southern Lady Code: Essays