Jack Townsend > Quotes

“A couple gnomes showed up right outside the back door, and I left them where I found them because one of them was holding a steak knife and I don’t need that kind of crazy in my life.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“The gas station had already cut so many corners on safety that it was practically a circle,”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“No, dude, I’m working at a shitty gas station in the middle of nowhere and I’m perfectly happy being miserable until I die. Good day, sir.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“the smoke detector may or may not be an old frisbee.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“That’s a big old nope sandwich with a side of hell naw slaw.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“It’s the kind of place where, for fun, people do Civil War reenactments in the summer and meth in the winter.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“This whole apocalypse could have been an email.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume Four

“Demons were one thing, but anyone who’s ever been attacked by a goose can tell you that they’re aggressive apex predators descended from dinosaurs. And unlike demons, geese can’t be tricked, befriended, or reasoned with. If one of those honking bastards was sitting here waiting for us like a drug dealer we owed money, then a fight wasn’t just likely, it was inevitable.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume Four

“I was simply dying much slower than anticipated. But when you think about it, isn’t that all anyone can really ask for?”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“I closed the file, shut down the browser, and turned off the computer, thinking to myself, Well that’s enough internet for today.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“(I know my life may seem a tad pathetic from the outside, but that’s just because it is.)”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume Three

“You were sleep floating.” “Oh,” Rosa said. “Sorry about that. I really didn’t mean to.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume Two

“Being dead is a lot like dreaming. Sometimes it’s good; sometimes it’s bad. But most of the time, you don’t even realize you’re doing it.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume Three

“​Her voice still sounded the way wasabi tastes.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“This was the conversation equivalent of the moment a zipper gets jammed on nothing.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume Two

“He looked like God got drunk and decided to make a person but realized halfway through that He didn’t have all the ingredients and tried to wing it with spare parts.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume Four

“hot dogs are not sandwiches (they are, in fact, American tacos).”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“​Time moves strangely at the gas station, flowing slow and fast all at once, like molasses out of a shotgun.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“Dearly beliked, we are gathered here tonight to pay our first and final respects to these gentle creatures. Oh, closet mice, I’m sorry you all died in a box in the back of the supply room, but I’m
grateful that at least you didn’t have to die alone. We pray that you don’t haunt this gas station. Instead may you find your peace in Heaven or whatever your mouse-religion equivalent is."
"Valhalla." I muttered.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume Two

“From now on, you fight dirty, understand? And nothin’s dirtier than dirt. Pick it up, throw it in your opponent’s eyes. Go for the hair and the squishy bits. And for God’s sake, don’t be afraid to grab another man’s balls. Casual homophobia has killed a lot of otherwise competent fighters.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume Four

“Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, probably. I just wanted to mention--and it's probably no big deal--but there's a guy hanging out near the gas station staring at me."
"Nothing illegal about staring."
"Yeah, you're right. It's just that, well, he's wearing a mask."
"It is Halloween, you know."
"You're right. It's just that, he's standing out in the rain wearing this long blue raincoat."
"That's what raincoats are for."
"Yeah, I guess you've got a good point. It's just that, he's really creeping me out and I think he's like eight feet tall and his arms go down to his knees."
There was a short pause on the other line. Then, "That's not illegal.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“it was a dark and stormy cliché.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“What’s ‘catch these hands’ in Latin?”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume Four

“​It wasn’t all about the Benjamimics. Sometimes, they were just random people. Sometimes, they were locals. Even one guy pretending to be a “health inspector.” Not always adults, either. It was the kids that were the hardest to kill (figuratively speaking, of course—in practice, they were the easiest).”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume Three

“If the gas station were a planet, it would be Pluto. If the gas station were a vowel, it would be Y. If the gas station were an X-Man, it would be Wolverine.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“​The sheer number of people in my life who have somehow failed to outlive me is, in a word, incredible.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“​I didn’t appreciate the way he was being so polite and considerate. At least when people are rude, angry, or belligerent, I know it’s coming from a place of honesty. It’s much harder to know what kindness is supposed to mean.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume Four

“Hey, I have a question for you.” “Yes, there’s weed in the tea.” “No, I already knew that. I had a question about the internet.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“Her voice sounded like she’d halfway swallowed a kazoo before smoking ten thousand cigarettes.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume One

“You really thought I might have been the killer?” ​“Yes.” ​“Aww, thank you.”
― Jack Townsend, Tales from the Gas Station: Volume Four