Stephen P. Smith > Quotes

“appears the Human Rights legislation will remain on the statute books. The PM won’t entertain its repeal.” “Typical,” huffed Nortly, “I only voted Leave to get rid of it.”
― Stephen P. Smith, The Unsound Convictions of Judge Stephen Mentall: A laugh out loud satire on the police and judiciary

“Go baby go,” he yelled to the hearse’s stereo blaring out Queen’s, ‘Another One Bites the Dust’.”
― Stephen P. Smith, The Unsound Convictions of Judge Stephen Mentall: A laugh out loud satire on the police and judiciary

“Figuring, if caught out he could explain the flippancy of the tune as a way of coping with the depressive nature of the profession, he saved his favourite ditty for the safety of the drive to pick up a corpse.”
― Stephen P. Smith, The Unsound Convictions of Judge Stephen Mentall: A laugh out loud satire on the police and judiciary

“Does your neighbour’s dog enjoy walking on the Northbridge Industrial Estate?” “I didn’t ask him.”
― Stephen P. Smith, The Unsound Convictions of Judge Stephen Mentall: A laugh out loud satire on the police and judiciary

“I lit a fag and the whole place blew”
― Stephen P. Smith, The Unsound Convictions of Judge Stephen Mentall: A laugh out loud satire on the police and judiciary

“clenching his buttocks and rocking from side to side to ease the itching. “Penguin?” she asked. “No, just a bit of discomfort, Ma’am.” “I meant do you want a Penguin biscuit to go with your tea?” “Oh I see, I thought you meant, well never mind,” and he took the biscuit.”
― Stephen P. Smith, The Unsound Convictions of Judge Stephen Mentall: A laugh out loud satire on the police and judiciary

“But he didn’t have acute angina,” said Foster. “What was that?” asked Mrs Syms. “Poor old Mr Miles has a cute vagina and died from a massive internal fart,” replied Mrs Somerbee.”
― Stephen P. Smith, The Unsound Convictions of Judge Stephen Mentall: A laugh out loud satire on the police and judiciary

“Love Ring,” replied the sergeant hanging on each word.”
― Stephen P. Smith, The Unsound Convictions of Judge Stephen Mentall: A laugh out loud satire on the police and judiciary

“And what of Bingo now?” asked Framson, lifting her voice, “Is he well?” “I wouldn’t know. He’s left home and moved in next door with a bunch of students.” “No further questions, your honour,” concluded Framson.”
― Stephen P. Smith, The Unsound Convictions of Judge Stephen Mentall: A laugh out loud satire on the police and judiciary

“Only when he’s been on the whisky, officer. He’s okay with the gin.”
― Stephen P. Smith, The Unsound Convictions of Judge Stephen Mentall: A laugh out loud satire on the police and judiciary

“Detective Sergeant DS1553 Peter Tadler looked up to her window and returned her wave. The job advert with contact details of Ellie.Foster@SmokingChimneys.co.uk had been too tempting. It meant another woman”
― Stephen P. Smith, The Unsound Convictions of Judge Stephen Mentall: A laugh out loud satire on the police and judiciary

“Handyman required for a new care home in Albridge. Gardening and general maintenance. Good rates of pay, hours to suit.”
― Stephen P. Smith, The Unsound Convictions of Judge Stephen Mentall: A laugh out loud satire on the police and judiciary

“You put the left leg in. You put the left leg out. In out, in out shake it all about. Do the oak clad coffin and turn them out. That’s what it’s all about. Oh the oak clad coffin. Oh the oak clad coffin.”
― Stephen P. Smith, The Unsound Convictions of Judge Stephen Mentall: A laugh out loud satire on the police and judiciary

“No, I paid cash at the store,” Mentall replied with the distinct feeling this was not going to have a good outcome. “Aye well, you’ve accepted the goods. It’d be different if it was broken. We could replace it under warranty. But we aren’t responsible for superficial damage that you could’ve caused yourself.” “It was damaged when I opened the box,” Mentall protested. “Aye well, we can’t take your word for that.”
― Stephen P. Smith, The Unsound Convictions of Judge Stephen Mentall: A laugh out loud satire on the police and judiciary

“has she got a screw loose?”
― Stephen P. Smith, The Unsound Convictions of Judge Stephen Mentall: A laugh out loud satire on the police and judiciary