Ryan Rimmel > Quotes

“However, when one has no stats, one can take no damage.”
― Ryan Rimmel, The Mayor of Noobtown

“I would have to sneak out to somewhere and go all Minecraft in the forest.”
― Ryan Rimmel, The Mayor of Noobtown

“Your mother stinks of elderberries and your uncle’s cum.”
― Ryan Rimmel, The Mayor of Noobtown

“My head throbbed like a particularly obnoxious Christian death metal beat.”
― Ryan Rimmel, The Mayor of Noobtown

“Sphinx of the Black Quartz, judge my vow,”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“It was a higher pitched, nasally voice.  It was the kind of voice that just makes you dislike someone instantly.”
― Ryan Rimmel, The Mayor of Noobtown

“My moment of indecisiveness got the better of me, and she shoved the spoon into my mouth.  That had to be a skill.  Everything was skills.  I was surprised that Breathing wasn’t a skill until I held my breath while swimming and found out that it was.  I was 5% better at it now.   Unerring Spoon Accuracy, Godlike Master, Here comes the airplane, Bitches.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“Do not cite the deep magics to me, Charisma. We were there when it was written.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Deepwater Dungeon

“If you have a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“stated”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“The standard salute involved taking the left arm and holding it directly in front of you, parallel with the ground.  Then, the right arm was swung up, catching the left hand in the crook of the elbow.  Then they rotated their hands to face forward and waved at me.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Castle of the Noobs

“Shart just bowed his head.  “You are an idiot.  Mages focus on a SINGLE type of magic.  Most of them learn about the Elemental schools like fire, for offense, earth, for defense, air, for movement, or water, for healing.  You are focused on Farts!”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“Rolling free, I attempted to summon my sword before moving back toward the party.  I could feel the sword, but it refused to come to my hand in the moments I had before I was out of range.  ● Summon Blade: Lets you return a sword to your hand from any distance. ○ You must have a clear line of sight to the weapon ○ The weapon must have a clear path to your hand Any distance my ass.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Dungeons and Noobs

“Glancing down at my own chest after I’d removed the shirt, I realized that I was a bit more well-muscled than I had been on earth.  I had an 8 pack, broad shoulders and sculpted pecs.  I was so used to being a 40 year old with a dad bod, that I never really considered my looks here.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“You can now tell the difference between a Forest Troll and your mother in law. Hint, she’s meaner.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Castle of the Noobs

“Maybe giving women bladed weapons as gifts wasn’t something that was considered out of form here.  I hope.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Castle of the Noobs

“Dude, I will tear your arm off and shove it so far up your ass that you will be able to wave to yourself when you smile at a mirror,”
― Ryan Rimmel, Nautical Noobs

“I had the most powerful magic, and the need to use it.  Lifting my right hand, I summoned forth my Mana, converted it into magic, and spoke my own word of power.  Much to her surprise, I could still cast with my right hand, despite its missing digits.   “You aren’t really going to do this, are you?” Shart asked.  He was making his way over to me with only the barest hint of floundering. “Hoopie!” The spell pierced her barrier, turning the now useless boundary a bright blue.  Her expression was a mix of terror and amazement as the spell bypassed her defenses and impacted her.  Her ass exploded in an echoing cacophony of flatulence. It was literally the loudest fart I’d ever heard.  As someone whose mother-in-law used to regularly drive people from the room with her anal symphonies, I considered myself an expert.  I highly suspected Bashara was the kind of lady who didn’t fart in public; she must have been saving that one up all day.  She blinked several times, as she checked her status log.  It was time to execute the second part of my plan. Grabbing Shart, amidst his squawking protests, I yelled my battlecry. “Poke-Shart, Go!” Then, I flung the invisible demon straight at her head. Shart only weighed thirty pounds or so; I was more than strong enough to fling him at a pretty good clip.  His cry of “you bastard” slowly faded the further he flew.     I had hoped that being hit in the face would knock her off balance.  That would have given me a moment to pick up my sword and close.  Actually, I hoped it was possible to hit her at all; despite Shart’s ability to fly, he wasn’t very aerodynamic.  I couldn’t win a spell duel, considering I had only one good hand and didn’t know any good spells.  I was going to have to engage her in combat.  I sincerely hoped that my invisible familiar would give me an advantage. I hadn’t calculated on hitting the top of her head with Shart’s Belly Button of Holding.  Her head disappeared, completely buried down to the top of her shoulders.  Her body, however, still worked.  She was careening around, her hands furiously pushing on the demon.  The remaining bandit, coincidentally, looked at Bashara just as her head vanished.  Incorrectly assuming that I had some sort of head vanishing spell, he tried to break and run.   You can’t run away from a homicidal badger.   I managed to get within arms’ reach of Bashara, just as she had successfully begun pushing Shart off her head. She had freed her mouth and was screaming.  As she continued pushing, her nose popped free.  I felt only slightly bad when I grabbed the demon and pushed him all the way down.  In seconds, only her feet were exposed.  Then, I pushed those in as well.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“I do not even want to see your inventory,” replied Shart, as he concentrated for a moment.  “Good shit, the first thing listed is 273 pieces of lint.” “I think you may have the filters set too low,” I replied, toying with my inventory.  The world around me slowed, leaving Badgelor in a particularly corpse-tastic moment.  I disabled a few settings; suddenly, I had everything from lint to pubic hair in my inventory.  Wait a minute.  Not all the pubic hair was mine. “How did Badgelor’s hair get there?” I asked.  That’s more than a little appalling.  “He likes to shrink and sleep in your pants while you’re bathing,” replied the demon.  “He says it makes him feel safe.  I’m assuming he feels that way because he forgets you are an incompetent idiot.” I rotated my head around to look Shart full in the face.  Considering he was on my shoulder, we were quite literally eye to eye.  I raised my eyebrows questioningly. Shart had the good grace to look away.  “When Badgelor was very small, he used to do the same thing with Charles.  Baby Badgelor liked warm snuggles and familiar smells.” “That Charles guy really messed with his head,” I stated, remembering a few cats I’d had that were the same way.  It was hard to imagine Badgelor actually doing that, however.  He seemed a bit more… violently insane. When Badgelor finally had his fill, he crawled out of the pile of less than fresh corpses with a grin.  “Ready?” “Yup,” I stated.  “Back to the creek, clean yourself up, and take a nap.” He nodded contentedly and trotted off. “If you knew he was going to do that, why did you bring him here?” asked Shart. “It made him happy,” I stated.  “In case you hadn’t noticed, he’s kind of violently insane.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Castle of the Noobs

“It looks like Wargs might have made a run at them, based on the bodies,” she replied.  Wargs were alchemically created monsters.  Their bodies were very unappetizing, unless you had barbeque sauce.  More specifically, there was a potion, designed to counteract the Warg effects, that just so happened to taste like barbeque sauce.  It didn’t sound like these Wargs were fresh, though.  Better not risk it.  We aren’t that desperate for food.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Castle of the Noobs

“The Return of the King (of Badgers)”
― Ryan Rimmel, The War of the Noobs

“Bring out your dead.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Deepwater Dungeon

“Everyone else just got to see me grunting as I walked down the street.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“I’m going to skin the wolf now that I have a knife.” “What’s your skinning skill?” asked Shart. “Untrained.” “I’ll be over there,” gestured the demon, as he walked over to a nearby tree and collapsed again. Twenty minutes later, I walked over to where Shart sat, fanning himself with a leaf. “Wow, that went as well as I expected,” he stated, “How did you get fur in your teeth and do we need to bury that?” “I don’t want to talk about it.”
― Ryan Rimmel, The Mayor of Noobtown

“You eat rotting fish guts,” I replied. “Not rotting fish feet,” he growled, shaking his head violently.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Dungeons and Noobs

“●   You have discovered Divine Lore:  Your knowledge of Divine magic has expanded greatly!  You know secrets only known to the gods! “Did you just pick up Divine Lore?” Shart groaned.  “Magical secrets known only to the most wizened of sages and you.” “It was technically an accident.  I was thinking about Divine magic,” I defended. “That doesn’t make it any better,” replied Shart.  “If anything, it makes it substantially worse.” “I’m surprised there isn’t a group skill, like a Magical Lore,” I stated.  I actually sighed when nothing appeared. “It's called Mystical Lore, Dum Dum,” stated Shart.  ●   You have discovered Mystical Lore:  Your knowledge of various subsystems of magic have culminated with you learning the most challenging of all Magical Lore skills.  Congratulations!  By achieving level 0 in all primary casting classes, you have successfully unlocked this rare skill.  ●   With your current ranks in Arcane Lore, Divine Lore, Primal Lore, and Psychic Lore, your new skill level will be Unskilled.  Minimum skill rank is Initiate.  Your new rank will be Initiate in Mystical Lore!  All further Skill Point gains will be granted to Mystical Lore.  I coughed.  Shart said nothing for a long moment. “I counted to 100.  I’m good now,” he finally responded.”
― Ryan Rimmel, Noob Game Plus

“Hey, Fatty,” I stated to the angry demon, who had unfortunately calmed down. “I forgot you could talk instead of making mewling noises with your mouth.  However, you are incorrect if you think your petty human insults have any bearing at all on one such as myself.  I will enjoy modifying your mind.” “You have terrible breath,” I croaked. “Thank you!” he chuckled. “Your mother stinks of elderberries and your uncle’s cum.” “You fail to disparage my uncle-dad” he stated.  “Your horns are crooked.” “MY HORNS ARE FINE!” The crooked horned demon was sensitive about that, it turned out, and so he slammed me into the crater again.  I figured this one would kill me; it was at least 5 trucks worth of force.”
― Ryan Rimmel, The Mayor of Noobtown

“Awww Aether responded, that would explain the under tones of condemned souls”
― Ryan Rimmel, Deepwater Dungeon

“Where is the food?” grumbled Badgelor. “Yes, you can come in,”
― Ryan Rimmel, Village of Noobtown

“You can have the biggest sword in the world, but it still won’t make wine,”
― Ryan Rimmel, Nautical Noobs