Jennifer Crusie > Quotes

“If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
-Gwen Goodnight”
― Jennifer Crusie, Faking It

“Nobody in my life has ever known me the way you do. Nobody in my life has ever made me feel as good as you do. You know me, you know everything about me, and when you leave me, you're going to be leaving the real me, the me nobody else has ever seen, that's who you're going to be rejecting.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“I'm Min's fairy godmother, Charm Boy,' Liza said, frowning down at him. 'And if you don't give her a happily ever after, I'm going to come back and beat you to death with a snow globe.'

What happened to "bibbity bobbity boo"?' Cal asked Min.

That was Disney, honey,' Min said. 'It wasn't a documentary.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great,
headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Welcome to Temptation

“Values aren't buses... They're not supposed to get you anywhere. They're supposed to define who you are.”
― Jennifer Crusie

“Statistics show that men are interested in three things: careers, sports, and sex. That's why they love professional cheerleaders."
Cal put down his fork "Well, that's sexist."
"Yes i know," she said. "But it's true isn't it?"
"What?" Cal tried to find his place in the conversation. "Oh, the sports and sex thing? Not at all. This is the twenty-first century. We've learned how to be sensitive."
"You have?"
"Sure," Cal said. "Otherwise we wouldn't get laid.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“Everybody's crooked. The trick is to find out how they're bent.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Faking It

“His sentences didn't seem to have any verbs, which was par for a politician. All nouns, no action. ”
― Jennifer Crusie, Charlie All Night

“It's a good thing he broke up with you because now you're free for when the right man finds you. Your prince is on his way."
"Right. I'm sure he was on his way but a truck hit him.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“Heartache often drives us to consume things we wouldn't otherwise, such as an entire pint of Caramel Pecan Perfection high-fat ice cream, covered in ganache, the crack cocaine of frozed dairy. Twelve hundred calories per pint, six hundred and eighty of which are fat calories, but is only dulls the pain for the moment, there's that carb fog while you're standing at the sink shoving it in your face, and then it's over and you feel...used. Like a cheap pickup the Dove people seduced and abandoned in your kitchen, leaving you with sticky hands and an empty cup and a still-broken heart, except now you're mad at Dove, too.”
― Jennifer Crusie

“You have to open up to the world and learn optimism...Contentment with the past, happiness with the present, and hope for the future. Learned optimisim.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Look, Mother, I am never going to be thin.
I'm Norwegian. If you wanted a thin daughter, you should not have married a man whose female ancestors carried cows home from the pasture”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“Emilio appeared with wine before Cal could say anything, and Min beamed at him, grateful for the rescue. "Emilio, my darling. I forgot to mention cake boxes. Two hundred cake boxes."
"Already on it," Emilio said. "Nonna said you'd need them. She said to get four-inch-square boxes for three-inch-square cakes."
"I'm getting the boxes," Min said, nodding. "Sure. Great. Fine. Your grandmother is an angel and you are my hero. And of course, a genius with food."
"And you are my favorite customer." Emilio kissed her cheek and disappeared back into the kitchen.
"I love him," she told Cal.
"I noticed," Cal said. "Been seeing him behind my back, have you?"
"Yes," Min said. "We've been having conversations about cake."
"Whoa," Cal said. "For you, that's talking dirty.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“If you can't be a good example, then be a terrible warning.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Faking It

“That's a movie quote, right? You know, if you do that with books, people think you're intelligent."
Sophie lowered her chin. "If this is your pathetic attempt to seduce me again, you're falling miserably."
"I don't seduce woman." Phin shoved back his chair and stood up. "They fall into my open arms."
"Clumsy of them.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Welcome to Temptation

“What i'm trying to tell you," Min said, "is that im going to grow up to be one of those chubby old ladies. It's in my genes. Like self raising flour. i'm going to pouf."
"thats going to work out well for me," Cal said. "because i'm going to grow up to be one of those horny old men who chases chubby old ladies around the couch.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“I'll be right behind you"
behind her? Thirty-two steps with him looking at her butt?
"No, you wont."
"Look, it's late, i'm tired, can we just-"
"it'll be a cold day in hell when you follow me up those steps. You want to go up, you go first."
"Why?" he said mystified
"you're not looking at my rear end all the way up that hill."
Cal sighed and took the first step. "wait a minute. Now you'll be looking at my butt all the way up the steps."
"yes but you probably have a great butt," Min said. "it's an entirely different dynamic.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“Broaden your horizons. They're the only ones you'll ever have, so make the suckers as wide as possible.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Anyone But You

“If you are not going to be a comfort, have the decency to be an empty space.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“Any instructions?” Carpenter said.
“Yeah,” Shane said. “Shoot anybody who looks at Agnes funny. And anybody else you don’t like. I’m getting tired of this shi*.”
“Somebody needs a hug,” Carpenter said.
“Humor,” Shane said. “Har.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“Dempseys are never in trouble. We just have stretches of life that are more interesting than others.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Faking It

“When Eve ate the apple her knowledge increased. But God liked dumb women so Paradise ceased. Gwen Goodnight. Her Work.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Faking It

“It's not a problem. There are people out there with much worse problems than mine."-Cynthia
"Doesn't make yours any more fun to bear."-Liza
"No. But it does help with the self-pity."- Cynthia”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“Nothing but good times ahead.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Welcome to Temptation

“Your cat just got cat hair on me.” “It’s only fair,” Min said. “Your suit just got expensive suit lint on him.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“I'm talkin' about you. Stop pretending you're normal. You're insane. Make that work for you.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Agnes and the Hitman

“It doesn't matter," Min said. "That's what I'm trying to tell you, it doesn't matter what you do or say. I'm going to love you till the end of time."

Cal looked at her, stunned.

"I know," Min said. "It's really un-PC. I just thought you should know that you can't screw this up."

"I can't?" Cal said, wanting to believe her.

"No," Min said. "Which doesn't mean I'm not going to tell if you make me mad again. I will shout and slam doors. I just won't be on the other side of the door when I slam it. You've got me for life."

He lost his breath and put his forehead against her shoulder. "God, I love you.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me

“This is making me crazy. I hate relying on other people to save me, I hate being clingy, I hate it, and every time you show up, I lean on you. - Matilda Scarlet Veronica Betty Vilma Goodnight”
― Jennifer Crusie, Faking It

“You've lived in America for twenty years. Eat badly, damn it.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Faking It

“I'll never forget my first time with you' Min said as she edged the doughnut off her finger. 'The earth moved, and then my mother asked my father who he was going down on at lunch.”
― Jennifer Crusie, Bet Me