Don Calame > Quotes

“...The Things we do not want to speak abot are the very things we need to speak about most”
― Don Calame, Swim the Fly

“Oh, by the way," Coop announces as he weaves his DeathBot ship through a barrage of space debris on his laptop screen. "In case you didn't know. It's national 'That's What She Said' Day."
I give him a thumbs-up. "I like it."
We're camping out in Sean's backyard tonight. It's another one of our traditions. One night, every summer, we buy a ton of junk food and energy drinks and set up Sean's six-person tent in the far corner of his yard.
We've got an extension cord running from the garage so that we can rough it in style, with computers and a TV and DVD player. There's a citronella candle burning in the middle of the tent to ward off mosquitoes and to mask the thick stink of mildew. Everyone's brought sleeping bags and pillows, but we aren't planning on logging too many Zs.
Sean enters the tent carrying his Xbox. "I don't think there are enough sockets for all of these."
I waggle my eyebrows at Coop. "That's what she said."
Coop busts up.
Sean stands there, looking confused. "I don't get it."
"That's what she says," Coop says, sending him and me into hysterics.
Sean sighs and puts the Xbox down. "I can see this is going to be a long night."
"That's what she said," me and Coop howl in chorus.
"Are you guys done yet?"
Coop is practically in tears. "That's what she said."
"Okay. I'll just keep my mouth shut," Sean grumbles.
"That's what she said." I can barely talk I'm laughing so hard.
"Enough. No more. My cheeks hurt," Coop says, rubbing his face.
I point at him. "That's what she said."
And with that, the three of us fall over in fits.
"Oh, man, now look what you made me do."
Coop motions to his computer. "That was my last DeathBot ship."
"That's what she said," Sean blurts out, laughing at his nonsensical joke.
Coop and I stare at him, and then silmultaniously, we hit Sean in the face with our pillows.”
― Don Calame, Swim the Fly

“Excuses are like male nipples. They're completely useless.”
― Don Calame

“This is going to be epic.”
― Don Calame, Beat the Band

“It’s common knowledge, dude. Google it.”
― Don Calame, Beat the Band

“This is it, dawgs”, I say. “From boys to men. Tenth grade is the year we tag all the bases. First, second, third and then we slide into home.”
― Don Calame, Beat the Band

“How can you live with yourself, being so wrong all the time, dawg?”
― Don Calame, Call the Shots

“Seriously, though. You're probably right. I'm sure Kelly finds the sight of a scrawny, pasty, white dude flopping around in the water like a spastic salmon very hot.' Coop convulses his whole body, his arms flailing, his tongue waggling.”
― Don Calame, Swim the Fly

“.EXcuses are like male mipples. They're completely useless.”
― Don Calame, Swim the Fly

“If there were awards for your dumb ideas, this one would win Best... Most... Dumbest.”
― Don Calame, Call the Shots

“Trust me on this, Matt: there’s nothing you can get away with as far as women are concerned.”
― Don Calame, Swim the Fly

“Oh. My. Gandalf.”
― Don Calame, Call the Shots

“Could I overlook all that other stuff – the voice, the whiff of cheese, the sweaty palms – for a girl with a moderately pleasant profile?”
― Don Calame, Call the Shots

“If I’m going to die out here, it’ll be because I’ve been eaten by a mountain lion or mauled by a bear — not because I was stung to death after peeing on a wasp. I”
― Don Calame, Dan vs. Nature

“Oh, I don’t know, I’ve got a few Benjamins burning a hole in my pocket.” I pat the breast pocket of my coveralls. “Besides, my dad could sure use one of those washers. His balls are always so dirty. I don’t know how he does it, but every time he golfs, his balls get caked in mud.” I glance over at Helen, her eyes horrified, her mouth a perfect O. The look on her face is priceless — and almost as funny as how clueless Jules seems to be. Jules nods. “That’s what happens when you play on grass and dirt.” “I guess so.” I shake my head. “Still, I don’t think I’ve ever seen balls quite this soiled. Do your balls get that filthy?” “Depends”
― Don Calame, Beat the Band

“... this girl is not only beautiful; she’s got that something extra. It’s like you get this warm feeling all over when you look at her. And once you’ve seen her, you just want to keep seeing her. You can’t peel your eyes away --”
― Don Calame, Call the Shots

“... why do I feel nauseous sourness in my stomach? Like I just ate three Big Macs with way too much special sauce? Like, I maybe just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life?”
― Don Calame, Call the Shots

“The tears of the world are a constant quantity,’” Penelope quotes.”
― Don Calame, Dan vs. Nature

“Whatever it takes, even if I have to sell part of my liver, I will not be sharing a room with my sister.”
― Don Calame, Call the Shots