Alok Vaid-Menon > Quotes

“we have been taught to fear the very things that have the potential to set us free”
― Alok Vaid-Menon

“It’s not just that you internalize the shame; rather, it becomes you. You no longer need the people at school telling you not to dress like that; you already do it to yourself.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“I am sorry that the only way we have been taught to heal is to hurt.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Femme in Public

“We want a world where boys can feel, girls can lead, and the rest of us can not only exist but thrive. This is not about erasing men and women but rather acknowledging that man and woman are two of many—stars in a constellation that do not compete but amplify one another’s shine.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“The thing about shame is that it eats at you until it fully consumes you. Then you cannot tell the difference between their shame and your own— between a body and an apology.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“Conformity requires us to minimize our differences for the greater good. We fear that if we don't conform, we will be abandoned, but there is no loneliness like having people only see you after you've erased yourself.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“Some gender non-conforming people are nonbinary, and some are men and women. It depends on each person’s experience. Two people can look similar and be completely different genders. Gender is not what people look like to other people; it is what we know ourselves to be. No one else should be able to tell you who you are; that’s for you to decide.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“I suppose some people wanted to protect me from bullying and didn’t realize that they were bullying me in the process.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“Gender is not what people look like to other people; it is what we know ourselves to be. No one else should be able to tell you who you are; that’s for you to decide.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“This is actually the purpose of language— to give meaning to concepts as they evolve.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“Gender-neutral language isn’t about replacing an old norm with a new one. People have the right to self-determine their gender whether it be a man, woman, or a nonbinary gender. The goal of gender-neutral language is to get rid of gender normativity, not everyone’s gender.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“There’s magic in being seen by people who understand—it gives you permission to keep going.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“The best way to eliminate a group is to demonize them, such that their disappearance is seen as an act of justice, not discrimination.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“What’s never questioned here is, whose standards of authenticity are we being held up to in the first place?”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“How are you supposed to be believed about the harm that you experience when people don't even believe that you exist?

The assumption is that being a masculine man or a feminine woman is normal, and that being "us" is an accessory. Like if you remove our clothing, our makeup, and our pronouns, underneath the surface we are just men and women playing dress-up.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“Gender non-conforming people face considerable distress not because we have a disorder, but because of stigma and discrimination. There is nothing wrong with us, what is wrong is a world that punishes us for not being normatively masculine or feminine.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“Be yourself until you make them uncomfortable”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“The days that I feel most beautiful are the days that I am most afraid. They tell us to “be ourselves,” but if you listen closely, there’s more to that sentence: “. . . until you make them uncomfortable.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“Power can be defined as the ability to make a particular perspective seem universal”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“man and woman are two of many—stars in a constellation that do not compete but amplify one another’s shine.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“The scrutiny on our bodies distracts us from what's really going on here: control. The emphasis on our appearance distracts us from the real focus: power.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“This repression is something we first did to ourselves. We know how to do it so well to other people because we were the first testing grounds. We silenced our own differences, subdued our creativity, and toned down our own gender non-conformity in order to fit in. We thought fitting in would give us security—but is it security when someone else living their life differently unsettles us to our very core?”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“What part of you did you have to destroy in order to survive in this world?”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“Gender non-conformity is seen as something immature, something we have to grow out of to become adults.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“And we tell the kids who don’t fit into our categories that they are wrong. We tell them that they are not real. We punish them until they conform. We prove that we are real by telling them that they are not. We define ourselves by what we are not.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“Being normative is about what gets elevated by society to a position of power. Normativity looks like a specific sneaker brand being upheld as the best. Normativity, then, is about value judgment and shouldn’t be used interchangeably with normal.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“maybe i have given up fighting for "mine"
and have settled for "not yours”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Femme in Public

“They tell us to "be ourselves" but if you listen closely there's more to that sentence: … "until you make them uncomfortable.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“And if you were wrong, that meant they had license to beat you up in the name of morality.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary

“Arguments against gender non-conforming people are about maintaining power and control. Most can be grouped into four categories: dismissal, inconvenience, biology, and the slippery slope.”
― Alok Vaid-Menon, Beyond the Gender Binary