Thais Gibson > Quotes

“1. Identify the meaning you give to a situation. 2. Express using the following: “When _____________________________ (insert the situation) happened, I interpreted it to mean ______________________________ (insert the meaning you gave to it), and I felt ___________________________________ (insert the emotion you experienced).” 3. Identify what you need from your loved one and the strategy they can use to meet that need better. 4. Express using the following: “I need you to _____________________________ (insert what you need). You can do this by ___________________________________ (insert the “how”/strategy they can use).”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“By using your conscious mind to repetitively create new beliefs or behaviors, you can reprogram the patterns in your subconscious mind that cause pain.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“we come to see that every action is a subconscious strategy to get our needs met, yet we can only meet these needs once we trace them back to their origins and identify them.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“DISMISSIVE-AVOIDANT & FEARFUL-AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE This relationship combination can work in some ways, as both partners have many similarities and can have similar coping mechanisms. The Fearful-Avoidant appears warm, is hypersensitive to what others think, and is readily available to please the Dismissive-Avoidant. The Fearful-Avoidant is generally very loving and giving, and the Dismissive-Avoidant can warm up to this connection. However, the Dismissive-Avoidant can be aloof and not want as much closeness as their partner. Even though both styles of attachment cause each partner to derive security from their own individual space, the Fearful-Avoidant’s anxious side is usually triggered by their Dismissive-Avoidant partner, and they will therefore become more anxious and reliant on their partner. The Dismissive-Avoidant will not feel guilt or remorse if space is taken; however, the Fearful-Avoidant may shut down and feel neglected when the Dismissive-Avoidant pulls away. The highs for the Dismissive-Avoidant in this dynamic are that they feel deeply seen, heard, understood, and valued by their Fearful-Avoidant partner. The Dismissive-Avoidant also appreciates that the Fearful-Avoidant needs their space. The lows for the Dismissive-Avoidant in this dynamic are when their Fearful-Avoidant partner becomes emotionally volatile or critical. This can trigger a core wound that arose from feeling emotionally unsafe in childhood and lead them to further assume abandonment will take place.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Conflict is largely the result of unmet needs that we aren’t consciously aware of.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“This is because attachment styles exist along a spectrum. This is why an individual’s attachment style can flex in different relationships”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Keeping the kindness aspect of this RAIN step in mind, we can now move on to what it means to investigate. Investigation is the process of inquiring what your subconscious mind is trying to tell you. In the previous steps, the anecdotal characters had accepted that they were feeling a certain way and allowed it to occur. This is the step that would allow them to understand where these core wounds are coming from. Moreover, it will be indicative of what they both need in this situation. Often, without practicing RAIN, an individual would become emotionally caught up in a situation and make judgments about their external environment. However, such judgments are often inaccurate because, ultimately, everyone has their own attachment style and core wounds, and everyone assigns their own individual meanings to situations. To begin the investigation process, remember that what you are feeling when you’re triggered is everything in the current moment in addition to all of the past emotions that trigger is associated with. For example, consider someone with PTSD. When something in their external present is reminiscent of the original traumatic experiences they’ve endured, the emotions they’ll feel in response to the present event will be significantly stronger due to the past emotions they’ve stored. Therefore, it is essential to ask yourself questions like: “What am I believing?” and “What emotional response wants the most attention?” By asking probing questions, you may surface the unmet needs that the situation is calling to satisfy. Ultimately, your subconscious mind will do nearly everything it its power to meet needs that are seemingly unmet.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“CHANGING YOUR OUTLOOK This chapter will explore the ways in which Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques can be applied to difficult situations to relieve emotional suffering. Moreover, by taking a more intensive approach than that traditionally outlined in CBT, you can look at the core subconscious beliefs that you are projecting onto a situation and which may be causing undue pain. This approach allows you to truly create long-lasting change in all areas of your life and helps you to truly address the underlying wounds that your attachment style may exhibit. The approach that I have created follows a series of steps that draw on fundamental aspects of CBT, as well as the trends I have seen in thousands of clients. It is as follows: • Begin by reflecting on the situation and identifying emotional patterns. • Ask yourself what meaning is being assigned to the situation and what core wound it activates. • Look for proof of the opposite and reflect.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Someone with a Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style will: • Generally appear withdrawn • Be highly independent • Be emotionally distant in their relationships • Be less likely to connect on an intimate level • Find it difficult to be highly involved with their partners • Become overwhelmed when they are relied on heavily • Retreat physically and emotionally as a result Their core beliefs, or the recurring perceptions that replay in their subconscious, will perpetuate a sense of defectiveness and uncertainty in relationships. They essentially believe at an innermost level that they are unsafe around people and that vulnerability always results in pain. Although the Dismissive-Avoidant may appear to have shortcomings in their relationships (as do those with all attachment styles), they can actually be wonderful partners. By having a deeper understanding of why someone is Dismissive-Avoidant, a relationship can be healthier, happier, and more fulfilling. So, why is the Dismissive-Avoidant individual so distant? Adults who are Dismissive-Avoidant typically had parents who were absent from their childhood. This absence can be in the form of physical, emotional, or intellectual abandonment. Since children quite literally depend on their parents for survival, those with neglectful parents have to learn how to self-soothe. Eventually this child is likely to develop a belief that they can only safely rely on themselves. This belief is then subconsciously brought into adulthood and manifests as distant and dismissive behavior. However, this can be remedied over time—a healthy relationship with a Dismissive-Avoidant can be built with consistent emotional support, autonomy, and direct communication.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Often, our emotions lead us to believe that the problem at hand is unsolvable when in reality the true problem is not properly identified. Begin by isolating and identifying the actual emotional challenge. What needs are unmet in this situation? For Connor, from a tertiary perspective, it is support and validation. For Suneel, it would be respect and the safety to express his opinions. What meaning is being given to the situation? Again, for Connor it would be that he is unworthy. For Suneel, it would be that vulnerability is unsafe. By taking a moment to witness the strong emotions, we can identify the core wound that causes the response. It is essential to remember that our emotions are here to serve us—they are like alarm bells that are telling us a core wound is being triggered and our needs are unmet. To better illustrate this concept, consider how you feel when you are hungry. Hunger is a feeling that exists to elicit a response out of us. It is telling us that we need to be fed. Other emotions act in the same manner—they exist to elicit a change that will help us.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“As described by the Association for Contextual Behavioral Science, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a form of empirically based psychological intervention that focuses on mindfulness. Mindfulness is the state of focusing on the present to remove oneself from feeling consumed by the emotion experienced in the moment. To properly observe yourself, begin by noticing where in your body you experience emotion. For example, think about a time when you felt really sad. You may have felt despair in your chest, or a sense of hollowness in your stomach. If you were angry, you may have felt a burning sensation in your arms. This occurs within everyone, in different variations. A study conducted by Carnegie Mellon University traced emotional responses in the brain to different activity signatures in the body through a functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) scanner. If someone recalled a painful or traumatic memory, the prefrontal cortex and neocortex became less active, and their “reptilian brain” was activated. The former areas of the brain are responsible for conscious thought, spatial reasoning, and higher functions such as sensory perception. The latter is responsible for fight-or-flight responses. This means that the bodily responses caused by your emotions provide an opportunity for you to be mindful of them. Your emotions create sensations in your body that reflect your mind. Dr. Bruce Lipton, a developmental biologist who studies gene expression in relation to environmental factors, released a study on epigenetics that sheds light on this matter. It revealed that an individual’s body cannot heal when it is in its sympathetic state. The sympathetic nervous system, informally known as the fight-or-flight state, is triggered by certain emotional responses. This means that when we are consumed by emotion, an effective solution cannot be found until we shift our mind into reflecting on our emotions. Let’s take a moment and test this theory together. Try to focus on what you’re feeling and where, and this will ground you in the present moment. By focusing on how you are responding, you essentially remove yourself from being consumed by your emotions in that moment. This brings you back into your sensory perception and moves the response in your brain back into the cortex and neocortex. This transition helps bring you back into a more logical state where emotions are not controlling your reactions.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“The core wounds for this attachment style revolve around feeling unworthy, being taken advantage of, and feeling unsafe.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“As you can see, attachment styles have key subconscious triggers that occur because of the repetition of a specific emotion at a young age. These core wounds are then what produce automatic thoughts that must be witnessed to avoid perpetuating outdated beliefs.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“By looking for proof of the opposite, you will eventually be able to neutralize the charge you have placed on a specific core belief. From there, you can begin to teach your subconscious a more updated perspective based on how your life is today. For example, if you are in a loving relationship today, it may have taught you that emotional vulnerability is safe and that you are lovable.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“The Fearful-Avoidant is often a very present and charming partner in the early stages of a relationship. They are dialed into human behavior and know what their partner is looking for. It is not uncommon for the Fearful-Avoidant to morph into what they believe their partner wants as a strategy to feel accepted and worthy of love. As discussed in chapter 1, it is quite common for a Fearful-Avoidant to have grown up in a home where they experienced significant distress. To adapt, this individual is a keen observer and becomes hypervigilant, especially about human behavior. They will quickly and without trying notice microexpressions, body language, and changes in intonation. The Fearful-Avoidant learns this hyperawareness to protect themselves from potential conflict. The highs are that a Secure and Fearful-Avoidant can share a great capacity for seeing, hearing, and understanding one another. They have a need for deep conversation and discussing their fears, concerns, and secrets. The lows for the Secure partner are that when a Fearful-Avoidant begins to develop stronger feelings, they will tend to push their partner away. They believe that this relationship is too good to be true and don’t trust such a stable and safe partnership. In a friendship or family relationship, the same patterns are maintained. However, the Fearful-Avoidant will usually be less emotionally volatile and less vulnerable at the root level. The fear of powerlessness is not as strong, and therefore the Fearful-Avoidant experiences less of a roller coaster in their nonromantic relationships.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“They began to associate emotional connection with a lack of safety, and thus developed a strong aversion to vulnerability. However, humans are biologically hardwired to seek connection. For the Fearful-Avoidant, this creates a strong need for emotional connection in conjunction with a sense of safety. In all relationships, the Fearful-Avoidant will have core wounds that surround a feeling of impending betrayal and a strong sense of fear. They subconsciously believe that they will be taken advantage of and that they’re unworthy of those around them. Therefore, they need a partner who is predictable and will provide a safe connection while respecting their boundaries. Their partner must also be very forthcoming in order to show the Fearful-Avoidant that vulnerability can be safe.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“It is important to remember that every day our subconscious is taking in new information. Thus, our attachment styles can still be molded in adulthood by significantly emotional events or one type of event that is less emotionally challenging but occurs consistently. Therefore, it is important to both constantly question our thoughts and to look for other old or new core wounds that may arise. We are in a constant state of evolution and improvement and must prepare our mind for just that. Moreover, after neutralizing the subconscious charge on a core belief, it is important to reflect on your mood at that moment. By doing so, you are continuing to practice mindfulness while working toward more positive habits. This deeper approach to CBT will give you the tools to navigate through difficult situations in everyday life, improve your outlook, and help negotiate triggering scenarios. CBT at a surface level has had an astounding impact on the lives of millions of people. It helps to connect the beliefs, thoughts, physical responses, and behavior of individuals. By examining it at a subconscious level, the root of the beliefs can be revealed and healed. Keep in mind that this process will differ between each attachment style since each style inherently has different triggers.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Ultimately, the first step in traditional EFT is to dive into your emotions. Witness them so that you can identify them and move to a more logical perspective. The next step is to identify what triggers these emotions. Ask yourself: Why are these emotions arising? However, at this point I recommend veering away from conventional EFT teachings. Instead ask yourself: What subconscious core wounds created these triggers?”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Fearful-Avoidant is often a very present and charming partner in the early stages of a relationship. They are dialed into human behavior and know what their partner is looking for. It is not uncommon for the Fearful-Avoidant to morph into what they believe their partner wants as a strategy to feel accepted and worthy of love.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Conflict is a necessary part of human interaction. It is how we break down invisible walls and perceived imbalances in a relationship. Conflict often creates deeper bonds between two individuals when effectively resolved, and it can still take place between two securely attached individuals.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Fearful-Avoidant is generally very loving and giving, and the Dismissive-Avoidant can warm up to this connection. However, the Dismissive-Avoidant can be aloof and not want as much closeness as their partner. Even though both styles of attachment cause each partner to derive security from their own individual space, the Fearful-Avoidant’s anxious side is usually triggered by their Dismissive-Avoidant partner, and they will therefore become more anxious and reliant on their partner. The Dismissive-Avoidant will not feel guilt or remorse if space is taken; however, the Fearful-Avoidant may shut down and feel neglected when the Dismissive-Avoidant pulls away.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Take a moment to recognize in which areas you are feeling your emotions in your body. If you are angry, maybe you feel tenseness in your fists. If you are nervous or anxious, maybe there is a pit in your stomach. Identify all the feelings that are present. The simple act of witnessing and inquiring will move you into a reflective state and out of a reactive state.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Dismissive-Avoidant has their own needs. The Dismissive-Avoidant suffered from moderate to severe emotional neglect as a child, and therefore their subconscious was taught to be autonomous and self-sufficient. Their core wounds revolve around vulnerability feeling painful and feeling a sense of defectiveness. Therefore, their needs in relationships include direct communication and unwavering support.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“According to Thrivetalk, enmeshment trauma is a form of emotional damage that occurs when one or more parents project their values, needs, and dreams onto their child. This causes the child to abandon their own sense of self in order to please their caregiver. Ultimately, the child feels as though they must adapt to their parent’s needs to be worthy of love, and this, when combined with a caregiver who is also unavailable, leaves the child feeling emotionally abandoned.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“That attachment styles can vary based on type—for example, friendship or a romantic relationship. 2. That how a person behaves in one relationship—for example, with one specific friend—can spread to how they behave in other relationships of that same type—such as with other friends. This concept is important because it truly demonstrates the ability of the subconscious to store and replay beliefs based on repetition and emotion. Now that you understand the fluidity of attachment styles and why they lie along a spectrum, you can begin to discover your dominant attachment style in different areas of your life. Consider how you act and feel in your relationships, whether they are romantic, platonic, or familial. Examine the ratio of activating to deactivating strategies in your thoughts and behaviors. Recall that activating strategies are decisions that are made based on prior information and experiences. Deactivating strategies are actions that drive self-reliance and deny attachment needs altogether, pushing others away. If you have relatively more activating strategies, you may have a greater fear of abandonment and be on the Anxious side of the spectrum. More deactivating strategies may indicate a subconscious belief around complete autonomy, placing you more on the Dismissive-Avoidant side of the attachment scale. Keep in mind that this tool should be used in romantic relationships after the honeymoon phase is over, a phase that occurs during the first two years of the relationship. During the honeymoon phase, your brain has higher levels of dopamine in the caudate nucleus and ventral tegmental regions, according to Scientific American. These areas of the brain are responsible for, respectively, learning and memory and emotional processing. Consequently, your attachment style may be unclear to you in the early phases of your romantic relationship since your emotions, memory, and hormone regulation are atypical. Our experiences can also dramatically alter our attachment style. For example, if Sophie were to partake in certain forms of therapy and practices such as recurrent meditation, she may be able to better understand and re-equilibrate her subconscious beliefs. According to Science Daily, since meditation induces theta brain waves and activates areas of the frontal lobe associated with emotional regulation, Sophie could eventually bring herself into a more Secure attachment space without the help of a Secure partner. However, although it is common to express different attachment styles in different areas of life, the type of attachment you have in relationships ultimately tends to be the attachment style that you associate with the type of relationship. For example, you can be Dismissive-Avoidant in familial relationships because you experienced emotional neglect from parental figures, but you could also be Fearful-Avoidant in romantic relationships due to domestic abuse that has occurred. This illustrates that major events such as betrayal, loss, or abuse can alter our attachment style in different chapters of life, but that ultimately attachment styles are fluid and often dependent on the kind of relationships we are in. We tend to have a primary attachment style, most associated with how we show up in romantic relationships, that plays a large role in our personality structure. This essentially dictates how we give and receive love and what our subconscious expectations are of others.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“It is important to also create a clear, coherent strategy for the needs that have been expressed and accepted. Since perceptions for every individual are uniquely shaped over time, saying “I need support” may mean different things to different people.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Often demonstrate ongoing ambivalence in relationships—they constantly shift between being vulnerable with their partner and being distant. This behavior is consistent across all their relationships, regardless of whether they are romantic. • Generally express depth of processing—a tendency to overanalyze microexpressions, body language, and language for signs of betrayal. This occurs because they had an untrusting relationship with their caregivers in childhood. Living with a parent who is an addict or emotionally unwell are two examples of what may create this distrust. • Not trust naturally • Often feel as if betrayal is always on the horizon The core wounds for this attachment style revolve around feeling unworthy, being taken advantage of, and feeling unsafe.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“Firstly, the past is fundamentally static. Once it has occurred, arguing does nothing but prevent people from investing their energy into finding a collective solution that gets their needs met.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“FEARFUL-AVOIDANT & SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE This dynamic is often very empowering for the Fearful-Avoidant if they allow themselves to be open to trusting their partner. It will begin with both parties deeply connecting, and the Fearful-Avoidant partner experiencing strong infatuation. Over time, the Fearful-Avoidant might begin to withdraw when they feel too vulnerable. The Fearful-Avoidant also tends to sacrifice their needs in order to become worthy of love. This may create resentment over time, which can cause them to lash out at their Secure partner later on. The Secure partner often doesn’t give in to these protest behaviors. At best, the Fearful-Avoidant will learn to express their feelings and needs by modeling after their partner. They will learn to trust and still maintain deep connection. At worst, the Fearful-Avoidant will rock the boat too much for their Secure Attachment partner. This can lead to the two splitting up, as the Secure is often excellent at sticking to their boundaries.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life

“the Dismissive-Avoidant needs continuous and unwavering emotional support and validation. Since they were emotionally neglected as a child, they need to slowly learn that they can consistently and predictably rely on others.”
― Thais Gibson, Attachment Theory: A Guide to Strengthening the Relationships in Your Life