Jest Ninney > Quotes

“Once I heard an actor on a popular TV show call girls HOT. So now I copy him and call some girls at school HOT. Never to their face, which would be way too scary. Just around my friends so that they can clearly see that I’m not GAY.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“I have a little brother named Fanny.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Mummy worries that I sleep all the time because I’m CLINICALLY DEPRESSED.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Chasing approval like sheep, instead of expressing their own innate creativity.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“you’ve met the protagonist—that’s me—and learned that he does indeed have a big weakness. Actually, I have two that are related: one, I’m insecure; and two, I’m a terrible friend. We can all agree on that, can’t we? You’ve also learned”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“ASS.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“top.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“I’m CLINICALLY DEPRESSED.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Jowley”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“You’ve also learned that”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Cowlick’s also in trouble with Mummy right now. Fanny got ahold of a box of Cowlick’s marijuana gummies and brought it to pre-school. The teacher was about to ask Fanny to share the treats he’d brought with him to school, when she noticed the “Parental Warning” label. But it was too late. Fanny had already shared them with his classmates. In a half hour, the kids were all rolling around on the carpet, frothing at the mouth and croaking, “the”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“I’d like to make a joke about how kids getting things they didn’t expect but want is a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE. But that would be too CRASS. Miracles are supposed to be about serious stuff like cures for cancer or orphaned twins finding each other. Not entitled BRATS getting yet more CRAP they don’t need.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Big-whoop.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“As my Pops always says, POOP rolls downhill.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Of course, Mummy was furious, just furious with Cowlick for, like, a year. He didn’t help his case when he said it was the manufacturer’s fault. How stupid was it to make dangerous drugs in the form of candy?”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“If I think you’re popular, I’m happy to lick your boot, regardless of your gender or sexual-orientation.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“I’m smart. Like when I make brilliant jokes”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“You can never grow up too soon. That’s my motto.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Tuesday The thing I’m most proud of about myself is that I’m really good at playing video games. Like most kids, I have a delusional sense of my own potential and a dim grasp of probabilities, so I believe I will be a professional gamer in the future.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“desperate to be liked. But I REFUSE to talk about my feelings (that’s so touchy-feely).”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Now, as you know, the best way to be manly is to have lots of muscles. If I’m ripped, when Freckly grabs ahold of me during our square dances, he’ll feel nothing but rock hard triceps. On top of that, in the upcoming BELLY DANCING unit in Phys Ed, I won’t feel MORTIFIED about showing my scrawny, mushy pre-pubescent body.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“Then, after I’ve browsed all the nasty stuff online, I erase the browsing history, and presto, nobody’s any the wiser. Mummy and Pops refuse to give me a smartphone.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“MIKHAIL BARYSHNIKOV.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“around”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“What did you get me, Santa?”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“They make us sit in orderly rows of desks under harsh fluorescent light. We squirm as frustrated grownups talk AT us for six hours a day. The teachers also make us memorize and REGURGITATE a lot of random information. Of course, they never bother to explain why all this boring stuff is worth our attention. There are a lot of rules we have to follow in school. It’s kind of like being in prison or being grounded. I feel trapped. So I find little ways to rebel. Mostly, that means being AGGRESSIVELY PASSIVE, which means refusing to go along with what grownups want me to do.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“SEPTEMBER Tuesday Right off the bat, let’s clear something up: Why are YOU reading my journal? Are you some sort of weirdo who sneaks into kids’ rooms and goes through their personal stuff, like a nosey parent? A journal is private. Put this down right now and walk away. Oh, I see. You found this book online. Even though it’s supposed to be private, I guess I INVITED you to read it. That makes ME the weirdo, not you. I admit it. I’m an EXHIBITIONIST.* I actually want you to stick your nose into my personal stuff. So this really isn’t a journal at all. It’s more like a memoir. * Don’t be LAZY. If you don’t know what a word means, first try to figure it out by seeing how the word works in the sentence around it. If you can’t figure it out, look it up in a dictionary.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“GAY.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“My best friend Jowley doesn’t pay attention to me when I tell him all about the importance of being POPULAR. He still plays like a little kid, which means he’s not interested in SOCIAL STATUS or other trappings of acting mature. He’s just happy. How boring.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody

“MR. AVERAGE MIDDLE-CLASS AMERICAN WHITE GUY.”
― Jest Ninney, Journal of a Sneaky Twerp: A Shameless Wimpy Kid Parody