Logan Ury > Quotes

“Great relationships are created, not discovered.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love

“Most of us have no idea what kind of partner will fulfill us long term.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“In comparison, those with the work-it-out mindset believe that relationships take effort, that love is an action you take, not something that happens to you. People with the work-it-out mindset tend to fare better in relationships because when they stumble, they put in the work needed to get the relationship back on track, rather than giving up. If”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“Look for someone who’s there for you whether you’ve won an industry award or are stuck in the cancer ward.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“When you’re thinking about who to marry, she says, don’t ask yourself: What would a love story with this person look like? Instead, ask: Can I make a life with this person? That’s the fundamental distinction.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“tendency to believe someone’s actions reflect who they are rather than the circumstances. When someone makes a mistake, we interpret the misstep as revealing something essential, and essentially bad, about that person’s character. We don’t look for external reasons to explain the behavior.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“I call this error in judgment the Monet Effect. When we have only a rough perception of someone, our brain, hoping for a great outcome, fills in all the gaps optimistically. People seem way more desirable than they actually are. It’s only later, when they transform into real people standing in front of us, that we see the flaws.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“The best way to spark conversation is to be specific”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“Decades of relationship science have revealed what matters for long-term relationship success: things like if the person is emotionally stable, kind, and loyal, and how that person makes us feel. Yet current dating apps don’t let you search any of those qualities.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love

“When people ask me what makes a relationship work long term, I often refer to this quote about Charles Darwin’s findings on natural selection: “It is not the strongest of the species which survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” Even if you have a strong relationship today, your relationship may fail if you don’t adapt. Your life or your partner’s life might take an unpredictable course. Creating a relationship that can evolve is the key to making it last.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“Couples who wait at least three years before engagement are 39 percent less likely to get divorced than those who get engaged before a year.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“The goal is not to convince each other to change or even to come to an agreement—it’s to find a productive way to live with this difference.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“If your date says, “I’m going to Lake Michigan with my family in a few weeks,” a shift response would be: “Oh, I went there a few summers ago.” Even though, on the surface, you’re engaging with what your date has said, you’ve drawn the attention back to yourself. A support response might sound like “Have you been there before?” or “How did your family choose that location?” Support responses indicate that you’re invested in their story and want to hear more. They make your date feel appreciated and amplify the connection between the two of you.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love

“The important thing to remember is that its absence doesn’t predict failure, and its presence doesn’t guarantee success. As my mathematician client said to me once, “The spark is neither necessary nor sufficient for long-term relationship happiness.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“The best way to spark conversation is to be specific. Include quirky things that make you stand out. If you say, “I like music,” that doesn’t really tell me anything about you. Cool, who doesn’t? Same with writing that you like travel, food, and laughter. That’s like saying you like Tom Hanks. Yeah, dude, he’s an American hero. Don’t tell me you like to cook; describe to me your signature dish and what makes your Vietnamese soup pho-nomenal. The more specific you are, the more opportunities you give potential matches to connect by commenting on that quirk.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love

“Satisficers report feeling happier with their choices, even when they select an objectively worse option. (I mean, come on. Your friend’s Nespresso machine didn’t even make Wirecutter’s top picks!) That’s because Maximizers constantly second-guess themselves. They suffer doubly: first in the agony leading up to the decision, and again every time they worry they’ve made the wrong one.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“Do not judge others the way you would not want to be judged.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“When you’re on a first date, you’re not looking to fill the position of life partner, you’re looking to decide whether or not you want a second date. That’s it. It’s better to go on a second or third date with somebody and then find out that they’re not a good fit than to rule out potential matches because of an initial impression that’s vulnerable to all types of cognitive biases.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“Don’t worry about finding someone with the same hobbies. It’s fine to enjoy different activities as long as you give each other the space and freedom to explore those hobbies on your own.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“When it comes to relationships, Maximizers—like Steven— mistakenly believe that with the right amount of exploration, they can find the perfect person and have absolute confidence in their decision. But this perfect person (and complete certainty) doesn’t exist. That’s why maximizing leads to anguish, delays in decision-making, and missed opportunities. In other words, it’s better to be a Satisficer.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love

“couples who wait at least three years are 39 percent less likely to get divorced than those who get engaged after less than a year.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“Try my favourite approach to avoiding small talk. Enter the date in media res. That’s Latin for “in the middle of things.” It’s a literary term that describes a story opening somewhere in the middle of the action, rather than at the beginning. (You can think of it as “coming in hot.”) When you walk into a date, instead of starting with the awkward “So, how’s your day going?” or “Where do you live?” jump right into the middle of things: “You’ll never guess what happened on my way over here!” or “I just got off the phone with my sister and she told me about this battles she’s in with her landlord over the recycling bins.” By skipping the getting-to-know you small talk and diving straight into the type of conversation that friends (or lovers!) might have, you take a shortcut to intimacy. Of course the conversation may reverse—you’ll eventually cover how your day is going, where you live, and so on, but at least you will have dipped your toes into the waters of real conversation.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love

“The quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life. Relationships are your story, write well, and edit often.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“The most successful duos complement each other. They don’t have identical traits. When they miss a flight, one partner finds another route and soothes the other’s panic. That’s what makes them win.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“We can learn to swipe smarter by expanding our settings to see more people, being less judgmental when we swipe, dating fewer people at a time, and transitioning to the date faster.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“When I interviewed a series of divorce lawyers (a bit of an awkward hobby to explain to Scott), several said that couples often make the same big mistake when considering marriage. They’re so fond of each other that they assume the other person wants the same things in life; therefore, they don’t set aside the time to talk explicitly about major decisions like where to live or if they want children.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“No marriage until thirty!”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“For every hot person, there is someone out there tired of having sex with them.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“Seeing the positives in life is a muscle, a skill you can develop. It requires practice. Psychologist Shawn Achor’s research on gratitude journals found that simply writing down three new things you are grateful for, every night for three weeks, will start to change the way your brain perceives the world. The exercise trains you to notice things you might have otherwise missed,”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science of Finding Love

“When people are anxiously attached, their brains flood with “activists strategies,” thoughts that compel them to regain closeness. For example, they might think about their partner nonstop. Or they may dwell on their partners good qualities while undervaluing their own. This distortion leads to panic. And when they don’t hear back from their partners immediately, they worry they’re being abandoned. They can shake their anxiety only when they’re actively communicating with their partner. This also leads them to jump into relationships and stay in them past their expiration date because they fear being alone and worry that this is their only shot at love.”
― Logan Ury, How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love