Rachel Havekost > Quotes

“What started as a longing to be loved and seen for my physical beauty digressed into the warped belief that the illness itself was what drew the attention I so craved. I towed the line between longing for perfection and longing for pity. Using my body as a signaling flag, oscillating between peacocking in times where I felt beautiful, and waving distress calls in the depths of my sickness.

I never used my words, and I didn’t know how to. I used my body.”
― Rachel Havekost, Where the River Flows: A memoir of loss, love & life with an Eating Disorder

“And so, as if signing up for some new religion or entering into some cult, I indoctrinated myself as a member—I was and would be, Anorexic.

I carried shame around this decision for a long time. As if in the choosing, I wasn’t qualified for actual sickness. That because I chose Anorexia, it was not a disease I fell ill to. That because I decided to stop eating, it was my fault, my responsibility, and a disgrace to the real people suffering from Eating Disorders that I even considered myself to be one of them.

So even in my illness, I allowed myself to believe I wasn’t ill. I convinced myself it was temporary—a two-week free trial that I would cancel before getting charged. I would use and absorb the skills of Anorexic-others, then get out as soon as I’d reached my ideal weight.

This, I later learned, was a lie my Eating Disorder would tell me for the rest of my life.”
― Rachel Havekost, Where the River Flows: A memoir of loss, love & life with an Eating Disorder

“As time went on, the line between my Eating Disorder and my self became so blurred that I could not see my Eating Disorder as something separate from me. I lost touch of what it felt like or looked like to eat “normally.” I didn’t know what hunger felt like—because I only knew what hunger felt like. I didn’t know what feeling satisfied felt like, because I only knew what full beyond physical comfort felt like. I had no idea what other people ate or didn’t eat, how often or when, how much or in what combination. My body became such a confusing place to live inside, and I often didn’t recognize it as my own.”
― Rachel Havekost, Where the River Flows: A memoir of loss, love & life with an Eating Disorder

“Grief, I learned, doesn’t care how hard you attempt to understand her. She doesn’t care if you are already depressed or suffer from suicidal ideation. She doesn’t wait for you to be ready, and the longer you defer her presence, the heavier her weight becomes.”
― Rachel Havekost, Where the River Flows: A memoir of loss, love & life with an Eating Disorder

“And so, as if signing up for some new religion or entering into some cult, I indoctrinated myself as a member—I was and would be, Anorexic.

I carried shame around this decision for a long time. As if in the choosing, I wasn’t qualified for actual sickness. That because I chose Anorexia, it was not a disease I fell ill to. That because I decided to stop eating, it was my fault, my responsibility, and a disgrace to the real people suffering from Eating Disorders that I even considered myself to be one of them.

So even in my illness, I allowed myself to believe I wasn’t ill. I convinced myself it was temporary—a two-week free trial that I would cancel before getting charged. I would use and absorb the skills of Anorexic-others, then get out as soon as I’d reached my ideal weight.

This, I later learned, was a lie my Eating Disorder would tell me for the rest of my life.”
― Rachel Havekost

“If I show up in a mask, and someone loves my mask, then the “real me” underneath is going to be a surprise. But if I show up as me, someone will love me. And then there is nothing to hide, reveal, or unleash.”
― Rachel Havekost, Where the River Flows: A memoir of loss, love & life with an Eating Disorder