Robert Benchley > Quotes

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
― Robert Benchley

“The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.”
― Robert Benchley, My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew

“It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.”
― Robert Benchley

“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.”
― Robert Benchley

“There are two kinds of travel: first class and with children.”
― Robert Benchley, Pluck and Luck

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.”
― Robert Benchley

“There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.”
― Robert Benchley

“Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. ”
― Robert Benchley

“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.”
― Robert Benchley

“Central Park is the grandiose symbol of the front yard each child in New York hasn't got.”
― Robert Benchley

“The free-lance writer is one who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.”
― Robert Benchley

“We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.”
― Robert Benchley

“The only cure for a real hangover is death.”
― Robert Benchley

“Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.”
― Robert Benchley

“People who begin sentences with "I may be old-fashioned but—" are usually not only old-fashioned but wrong.”
― Robert Benchley

“Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.”
― Robert Benchley

“After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year.”
― Robert Benchley

“I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.”
― Robert Benchley

“Every boy should have two things: a dog and a mother who lets him have one”
― Robert Benchley

“Streets flooded. Please advise.”
― Robert Benchley

“If there is a streak of ham anywhere in an actor, Shakespeare will bring it out.”
― Robert Benchley

“New York - The city where the people from Oshkosh look at the people from Dubuque in the next theater seats and say "These New Yorkers don't dress any better than we do.”
― Robert Benchley

“Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.”
― Robert Benchley

“A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.”
― Robert Benchley

“As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.”
― Robert Benchley

“As the storm came nearer I began to realize that I hadn't made the most of my three years' immunity. In fact, I hadn't done a single thing about cleaning up my life. I was, if anything, an even more logical target for lightning than the last time I was in range. And thunderstorms don't creep up on you at seven o'clock in the morning in a non-thunderstorm country for nothing, you know. I lined up a rather panicky schedule of reforms...
But as the storm suddenly petered out and went off in the other direction nothing much has come out of it yet. I may have three years more, and these things can't be rushed.”
― Robert Benchley, My Ten Years in a Quandary and How They Grew

“The problem of what to wear while lolling about the house on a Sunday afternoon is becoming more and more acute as the fashions in lolling garments change. The American home is in danger of taking on the appearance of an Oriental bordello.”
― Robert Benchley

“One, two, three / Buckle my shoe.”
― Robert Benchley

“...without knowing what is funny, one is constantly in danger of being funny without knowing it.”
― Robert Benchley

“One of the easiest forms of pretense to break down is the pretense of enthusiasm for exotic foods. Just bring on the exotic foods.”
― Robert Benchley