Jon Cohn > Quotes

“Beth. Her name is Beth, a voice keeps poking into my brain like a needle being shoved through my eardrum. The harder I try to focus on counting stairs, the more it drones into me.
Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth.”
― Jon Cohn, Kill Beth

“Please, I’m just trying to understand what’s happening. He gave me this book that he swears explains everything, but I don’t know what to make of it.”
“Everything Is Temporary,” she said. Simply producing the words made her look like it left a rotten taste in her mouth. I nodded.
“You’ve read it?”
“No. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to forget he ever existed. The last thing I want to do is further indulge in a psychopath’s delusions.”
“Please,” I begged once more. “Can we just sit for a minute? I feel like I’m going crazy. I’m just looking for an explanation.”
― Jon Cohn, Everything Is Temporary

“There's some catharsis in just going through the motions—loading up everything I own into one bag and pretending like that’s all it takes to leave. Most times, it’s enough to soothe the itch for a while, like a cortisone cream for the soul.”
― Jon Cohn, The Island Mother

“Perhaps it's best if I don’t move. Don’t get up. He doesn’t know I’m awake. Time crawls by, I don’t even think I’ve blinked once since seeing the silhouette. All I can do is stare at the figure, stone-still on the other side of the window.”
― Jon Cohn, Kill Beth

“I squint at its features and vaguely recognize its face, even though it’s distorted and deformed beyond human proportions. Its jaw opens, revealing an overstuffed mouth lined with long, thin teeth, curving like the ribs of the dead whale. Without moving its lips, it whispers a message. ‘It’s you.”
― Jon Cohn, The Island Mother

“Look at that. He looked right at her.”
Tom pressed a paint crusted finger against the screen.
“Who is he? What are you doing with this man?”
The whole situation felt upside down. I was supposed to be the anxious one, Tom the voice of reason. I grabbed him again, this time digging my nails into his arm to make sure he paid attention to me.
“Tom, you need to calm down, right now.” He chewed his lip, clearly frustrated, his eyes darting between me and the screen.
“Look at me. What’s going on?”
Tom winced several times, like he was about to say something, before finally blowing out a hard puff of breath.
“I don’t know. That guy, he just feels…wrong.”
― Jon Cohn, Everything Is Temporary

“I reach back into my bag, fumbling around for anything I can use as a weapon. My fingers find purchase on the paper-wrapped base of a snow globe, and a white-hot surge of energy pours into me. I hold my family memory tightly as I smash it into Ricky’s temple.”
― Jon Cohn, The Island Mother

“One by one, I push open the stall doors. Each time, my heartbeat spikes, expecting to see some ghoulish figure standing on the toilet ready to jump out at me. Perhaps the vagrant, holding his folding knife above his head, prepared to strike. Every stall is empty, and yet when I’ve finished my search it still does nothing to allay my irrational fear. I head over to the sink to splash some cold water on my face when I finally see something that nearly makes my heart stop.”
― Jon Cohn, Kill Beth

“Okay, Sarah, don’t freak out,” Tom began.
“What happened?” I asked with all the urgency he was trying to preface against.
“Everything’s alright. We just need to go down to the Mission Valley Mall and straighten out a couple things. Emma called. She’s fine, but I guess she got in trouble for something, and we have to talk to security or a manager.”
“What did she do? Are they calling the police?”
“They didn’t say anything about cops. She sounded pretty upset. I mostly wanted to keep her calm until we could get there.”
― Jon Cohn, Everything Is Temporary

“Do you really not see any of the living Hummels? The talking tree?”
He collapsed onto the floor, his shaky legs finally giving out on him. Tears dripped from his eyes onto the carpet, next to blood droplets coming from his nostril.
“Am I going crazy?”
Mrs. Claus frowned, her eyebrows drooping. “No, Tim. You’re not going crazy. Yes, I know all about the Christmas magic.”
“Why would you lie to me?” Tim asked between gasping breaths.
“I’m sorry for lying. I wanted to share something special with you, but I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
Mrs. Claus knelt and pressed some gauze against Tim’s bleeding nose. “I was afraid that if I told you the truth, you would bring others over to see me, and then my secret would be out. You have to understand, Christmas magic is a very special thing. It’s not for everyone.”
― Jon Cohn, Everything Is Temporary

“Ohana means family. Family means fishing a dead rat out of a pool to keep things running smoothly for everyone else.”
― Jon Cohn, The Island Mother

“Confrontational is one of the last words I would have used to describe him. He never held grudges or got aggressive. If anything, he worked hard to ignore conflict as much as possible. Who would he hate so much that he would try to murder them? My mind went back to the guy he saw at the mall yesterday who triggered this whole breakdown, but it seemed impossible Tom could have somehow tracked down a total stranger over the course of one night and then made the decision to try and end their life, with fire of all things.”
― Jon Cohn, Everything Is Temporary

“Honestly, if Paul Rudd were here and he asked you to go exploring with him, would you really say, ‘oh no, thank you, Paul Rudd, my boyfriend needs me?”
― Jon Cohn, Slashtag

“I can’t help it, but the more anxious I get about my choices, the more desperately I want to lie back and curl into Kai’s warm body. Jesus, I can’t even panic about my codependency issues without being codependent.”
― Jon Cohn, The Island Mother

“I move a little closer to get a better look at the dead whale. The entire flank of the behemoth has been eaten away. Its guts splay out across the beach, presented like a buffet for maggots.”
― Jon Cohn, The Island Mother

“I just don’t understand why I’m the only one getting the blame, here.” “Because there’s nobody that people love to point their fingers at more than women who are perceived as powerful. White men can fail as many times as they want and still be bulletproof. As a woman, you get one, maybe two, chances in your life to win people back over, and you have to do it while showing that you are simultaneously flawed and perfect.”
― Jon Cohn, Slashtag

“Do you really think anyone’s going to take a show called Slashtag seriously?” “Probably, why?" I shrug my shoulders in creative despair. “I just think it’s probably the dumbest fucking name I’ve ever heard in my entire life.”
― Jon Cohn, Slashtag

“First of all, this is not a hotel. This is an exclusive resort for members and their guests only. Anyone you see on this property not wearing an orange shirt is not just rich—they’re obscenely rich.”
― Jon Cohn, The Island Mother

“Even though we hadn’t stayed in touch for nearly two decades, it was as if Nate had climbed into my head and my heart and typed out two acts of pure catharsis, if that was something I was even capable of experiencing anymore. But the one thing I did know, without a doubt, was that I could do this project. I could bury myself in the script and feel proud of the work I’d done bringing it to the stage.”
― Jon Cohn, Kill Beth

“Tomorrow morning is my scheduled appointment with Dr. Jules, but I don’t know if I can make it that long. She says to only call her number in an emergency.
I think this counts.
Her phone rings once, twice. Even the tone reverberates in my ear, buzzing the word Beeeeeeth. Beeeeeeeth. Beeeeeeeth.”
― Jon Cohn, Kill Beth

“You’ll even get a chance to feed and pet them if you like. Interested?”
― Jon Cohn, The Island Mother

“My body shivers as I rise to my feet. Blood covers half my body, sticky, wet, and freezing cold. Sitting on the couch, framed against the window sits a man, merely a silhouette save for his white eyes and gleaming teeth behind a wicked grin.”
― Jon Cohn, Kill Beth

“a bit like camp counselors; you’re thrown into a job looking after what essentially amounts to a bunch of rich kids. You’re isolated from the world, and the only people you can relate to are the other counselors. Add in a romantic Hawaiian backdrop, and it’s like getting thrown into an emotional blender.”
― Jon Cohn, The Island Mother

“While I don’t have any physical scars to show it, I understand what it’s like to live every day with regret over something that felt so small in the moment. At least with grand risks we know the potential consequences and have a modicum of understanding that we only have ourselves to blame. But it’s the regret and rage over the small moments that really haunt us, because they feel so avoidable in hindsight.”
― Jon Cohn, Kill Beth