J.R. Mathews > Quotes

“That strange vampire visited me at night again and bought a few more romance novels. He told me his name was Vlad, but I didn’t believe him. It was probably Steve or something boring and he was embarrassed about being the vampire named Steve.”
― J.R. Mathews, Jake's Magical Market

“I’ve never seen an uglier face than yours, human!” “Your necks are so small and frail! No female variant of your species would ever be satisfied by you!” “You hit like the parasites that live under my scales, and you smell like them, too!” Thank the gods, the hydras of this world didn’t seem to regenerate their heads endlessly, or we might’ve had to listen to the annoying boss for hours.”
― J.R. Mathews, Home Sweet Home

“shards, common, uncommon, rare, legendary, and artifact.”
― J.R. Mathews, Jake's Magical Market

“Elemental Burst Level 1 Rare Power Ultimate Evolution Fire burns, ice slows, earth pierces, and wind disrupts. Together, their powers combine to seriously blow shit up. Grants the caster the ability to summon a burst of elemental destruction once every ten seconds. This burst does a high amount of damage, slows, pierces, and knocks back one target.”
― J.R. Mathews, Jake's Magical Market

“I felt a bit lost when it came to thinking about my long-term goals. One of the things that had drawn me so thoroughly to the idea of finding a world like this one was that the pleasure of gaining power, levels, skills, and magic acted as a panacea on the real things that bothered me, allowing me to ignore how adrift I truly was by focusing on the next power-up or interesting bit of magic I found.”
― J.R. Mathews, Portal to Nova Roma

“death takes many forms, and those who live a long life die through stagnation long before their bodies cease breathing.”
― J.R. Mathews, Home Sweet Home

“Yep. All mine. I earned it by helping a bunch of necromancers slaughter hundreds of people.”
― J.R. Mathews, Home Sweet Home

“Hey,” I told the illusion. “Try to use our new ability while I stab myself, okay?” The illusion looked just like me, and he and I locked eyes for a moment before he smiled and gave me a thumbs-up.”
― J.R. Mathews, Home Sweet Home

“My priests weren’t actually supposed to worship me!”
― J.R. Mathews, Home Sweet Home

“Bookworm Level 1 Uncommon Power Sometimes spending your life reading ends up paying off. Sometimes it doesn’t. A passive ability that grants clarity of mind, enhanced cognition, and a small increase in damage, duration, and range of all spell cards.”
― J.R. Mathews, Jake's Magical Market

“All of those things had been done to me and had an effect on me, but blaming them for what I was choosing to do was just a childish way to stop taking responsibility for my actions.”
― J.R. Mathews, Jake's Magical Market

“A siege warrior?” “You know, a fighter that specializes in being a walking mountain. To defeat them, you basically have to lay siege to them and hope they eventually starve to death.”
― J.R. Mathews, Home Sweet Home

“Was taking advice from a fake copy of yourself a good thing or the ultimate form of narcissism and self-delusion?”
― J.R. Mathews, Home Sweet Home

“Haste Level 1 Rare Power Time flows too fast for most mortals to ever appreciate the miracle that their lives truly are. However, other times, it flows too slow for mortals to continue living. Grants the caster the ability to speed up their movement speed, reaction time, and mental processing speed for sixty seconds per day.”
― J.R. Mathews, Jake's Magical Market

“I stood slowly and used another Mend on myself and my clothes—which were now covered in goo again—then put my sword away and gave the octopus monster the middle finger to make myself feel better.”
― J.R. Mathews, Jake's Magical Market

“It turned out that, yes, having a giant army of undead monsters did in fact help keep one safe. Who knew?”
― J.R. Mathews, Home Sweet Home

“Seriously, did everything in the swamp get together one day and go, “Hey, let’s make sure we all evolve the deadliest venom possible just to fuck with anything that dares to enter our swamp? And then let’s cover ourselves in shit and goo to make us even more disgusting?”
― J.R. Mathews, Home Sweet Home

“Fear me, crab god, for I am immune to your most powerful claw attacks! Your evil crabby empire is at an end!” Sitting alone on a cliff for several days had clearly not been super healthy for me.”
― J.R. Mathews, A Trek Through Time

“Fire Bolts Level 1 Uncommon Power Fire lives to spread. Spread it gratuitously so you can live, too. Grants the caster the ability to summon five Fire Bolts once every ten seconds. Fire Bolts randomly target nearby enemies.”
― J.R. Mathews, Jake's Magical Market

“After a rather lengthy discussion about the difference between a human man and a human woman, which apparently the swampkin had never figured out because they were all sexless little snake monsters,”
― J.R. Mathews, Home Sweet Home

“I could hear the faintest yells of “for Valhalla!” and “for Glory!” and “for Jake to finally get a girlfriend!” echoing out over the water toward us.”
― J.R. Mathews, Home Sweet Home

“Whenever something new was greeted with disdain and dismissal, it was bound to become a blind spot that could eventually come back to bite someone in the ass.”
― J.R. Mathews, Home Sweet Home

“only the old, foolish gods think worship is so limited that it must be given only to one god. The swamp teaches us to give respect for many things at once, or we wouldn’t survive. We worship the water that gives us life. We worship the plants that shade, hide, and feed us. We worship the animals we eat, the monsters that hunt us and keep us safe, and the stars above, guiding us and illuminating our lives. There is room for all faith in the swamp, and we are richer for the diversity.”
― J.R. Mathews, Home Sweet Home

“Yeah! Let’s get ’em!” “All they can do is kill us all! Let’s go!” “I’ve been hoping to die for an hour now! It’s about time!”
― J.R. Mathews, Home Sweet Home

“Preparedness Level 1 Rare Power Being prepared is the next best thing to not having to prepare at all. A passive ability that grants double damage or effect for one ability, spell, or attack upon entering combat if the possessor is not caught by surprise by the combat.”
― J.R. Mathews, Jake's Magical Market

“Wisdom of the Ages Level 1 Rare Power Sometimes you live long enough to see that the world is just one predictable pattern after another. A passive ability that grants occasional insights into what may happen in the immediate future.”
― J.R. Mathews, Jake's Magical Market

“Robe of Minor Time Saving Uncommon Power Grants the wearer a three-second reduction in cooldown on any non-time-based card cast after using a time-based card. Grants the wearer slight resistance to spells and abilities.”
― J.R. Mathews, Jake's Magical Market

“The map is enchanted to update itself when we present it with new information. We have standing agreements with a few shipping companies to send us smaller maps from time to time, and this one just kinda . . . eats them. It’s pretty cool to see.”
― J.R. Mathews, A Trek Through Time

“I spent the day the world ended thinking about melons.”
― J.R. Mathews, Jake's Magical Market

“Eventually, I grew bored of watching copies of myself kill themselves,”
― J.R. Mathews, A Trek Through Time