Jon Haney > Quotes

“stepped out of the tank, loudly cracked his knuckles, then sat down and calmly clipped his toenails on the sidewalk. Is he going to clean those toenails up? they all thought.”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Attack of the Green Goo

“weird”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Attack of the Green Goo

“lucky ball,” Sophia said, groaning and covering her face. I turned in disgust toward Sophia. “Are you seriously upset right now?”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Crunch of the Dino-Roar

“Superhero Tip #4: Your fort should always be hard to find, but not so hard that you forget where it is.”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Attack of the Green Goo

“Superhero Tip #7: Never, ever, ever work for the bad guy. Suddenly, strangely, I felt a wave of peanut-butter anger come up from my hands. Quick as a flash, Dr. Vile mashed his zapper again, and this time I realized the floor beneath me was turning to jello and I was sinking deeper and deeper into a mushy pool of sweet, tasty squishiness.”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Attack of the Green Goo

“Dr. Vile”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Attack of the Green Goo

“Jimmy, look! We’re safe now. I mean, we’re with Mom and Dad.” I held the cookie in my hands. It was so warm and soft and smelled delicious. “A superhero has to eat sometime,” I added, remembering the chicken sandwich. “PB&J! Drop that cookie!” Jimmy shouted, and I was so surprised that it fell straight into the milk, splashing over my face and up my nose. Snorting, I heard him whisper in my ear”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Attack of the Green Goo

“I took one look at that alien head and started to panic again. I mean, how could I trust a guy with an alien head on his face? Pushing my way back to the bathroom for another cry session, I said to him, “Jimmy, I don’t think I can do this. I mean, making PB&Js is kid stuff. I’d be like the best superhero ever for a birthday party. Those little ankle biters could just eat sandwiches and smoosh them in each other’s faces the whole time.” Jimmy looked at me blankly. Maybe “ankle biters” reminded him too much of his little brother, Randy the Terror. “But beating a super villain?” I continued, shaking my head. “He’s gonna turn me into a bean burrito!” Jimmy suddenly snapped back to reality. “I love bean burritos,” he said. “Exactly,” I said. “He’ll turn me into a burrito, and you can eat it. Case closed.” “You know, PB&J, all this burrito talk is making me thirsty.” So we walked to the kitchen to find some juice. My mom and dad were watching the morning news in the living room. “Hey, guys!” They were both talking in high voices and had big smiles on their faces, like actors in a terrible show for babies. There was an awkward pause. Jimmy tripped on the back of my shoe and hit the kitchen counter. As he fell to the ground again, he started making a strange mooing sound. Suddenly, Mom spoke up. Her voice was cracked and high-pitched. From my ten years of experience with Mom, she was also about to start crying at any second—and I’m talking thunderstorm tears, not just a light cry like my bathroom time. I braced for the worst and considered grabbing an umbrella.”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Attack of the Green Goo

“PB&J, just stop and think about this for a second—” Jimmy said. I ignored him and reached for a cookie. “Jimmy, look! We’re safe now. I mean, we’re with Mom and Dad.” I held the cookie in my hands. It was so warm and soft and smelled delicious. “A superhero has to eat sometime,” I added, remembering the chicken sandwich. “PB&J! Drop that cookie!” Jimmy shouted, and I was so surprised that it fell straight into the milk, splashing over my face and”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Attack of the Green Goo

“Superhero Tip #11: If possible, always beat the bad guy before Christmas break. That way you can enjoy your vacation in peace.”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Attack of the Green Goo

“diaper”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Crunch of the Dino-Roar

“Superhero Tip #9: Sometimes the only way to escape a sticky situation is by knocking over the sticky situation.”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Attack of the Green Goo

“Superhero Tip #6: If you’re going to be a superhero, you’ve got to do the voice. You know, that low, gruffy voice that Batman has.”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Attack of the Green Goo

“truth.”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Attack of the Green Goo

“Hi, my name’s Christolpherson Rederson! I’m a fifth grader at Goodsprings Elementary School. It’s a pretty cool school, but not if you have the weirdest name in the entire universe, like I do. I think Hippo Head Junior would have been better. You’re probably thinking, Christolpherson Rederson?! Are your parents five years old? Or did a monkey pick your name?”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Attack of the Green Goo

“Superheroes are usually great. I mean, just look at how popular Spiderman is. The guy’s got like twenty movies. And that red Spidey suit is sick. To make it even cooler, he got bit by a spider on a field trip. A field trip! Proof that every school day should be both fun and dangerous. Superhero Tip #1: Always let a spider or two bite you on field trips. You never know when it will be your lucky day.”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Attack of the Green Goo

“My superpower is making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches fly out of my hands.”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Attack of the Green Goo

“up my nose. Snorting, I heard him whisper in my”
― Jon Haney, The Adventures of PB&J: Attack of the Green Goo