Scott McNeely > Quotes

“Q: When do you stop at green and go at red? A: When you’re eating a watermelon.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Hey buddy, why the long face?”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Grandpa recently turned sixty-five and went to the doctor for a complete physical. After an exam the doctor said grandpa was doing “fairly well” for his age. Grandpa was a little concerned and asked, “Doc, do you think I’ll live to eighty?” The doctor asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcohol?” “Oh no,” Grandpa replied, “and I don’t do drugs, either.” “Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?” Grandpa said, “No, I usually stay home and keep to myself.” “Do you eat beef and pork?” “No, my other doctor said red meat is unhealthy!” “Do you spend a lot of time doing things in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, or bicycling?” “No, I don’t.” “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?” “No, I don’t do any of those things anymore.” The doctor looked at Grandpa and said, “Then why do you care?”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool, and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it’s only fair that you should know five things: First, the bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. Second, the bouncer is a blonde girl. Third, I’m a blonde with a black belt in karate. Fourth, the woman sitting next to me is a blonde and a professional boxer. Fifth, the lady to your right is a blonde and a decorated war veteran.” She puts her hand on the blind man’s arm and says, “Now think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?” The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “Naw, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five fucking times.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Two old men are sitting on the front porch of their retirement home. One man turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?” “Oh yes, sure I do.” “What do you do about it?” the first man asks. “I usually suck a lifesaver or two,” the second man replies. After a few moments the first man asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“A child walks in to the living room and asks, “Dad, where does poo come from?” Without wanting to be too explicit the father replies, “Well, first Mommy makes us dinner. Then we eat it. Then the body takes away all the goodness from the food to make us strong. Then we sit on the toilet. What’s left comes out as poo.” Looking horrified the child asks, “But Dad, what about Tigger and Eeyore??”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What is the best thing about being a hundred? A: No peer pressure.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs. Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over, and inspects it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Rather embarrassed, she looks around to see if anyone has noticed. Standing next to her is a salesman. “Good day, madam, how may I help you?” Very uncomfortably she asks, “How much does this rug cost?” He answers, “Madam, if you farted just touching it, you’re going to shit your pants when I tell you the price.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette? A: Artificial intelligence.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A: Milk and quackers.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. “I’ve got good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all ten of your paintings.” “That’s great! What’s the bad news?” The gallery owner replied, “The guy was your doctor.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Why are there only 238 beans in Irish chili? A: Because just two more makes it two-farty.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Why don’t blondes talk when having sex? A: Their mothers taught them not to talk with their mouths full.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Why did the turkey cross the road? A: To prove he wasn’t a chicken.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Where do burgers like to dance? A: A meatball.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Waiter, waiter! Do you have frog legs? No, sir, I always walk this way.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice? A: Because it said “Concentrate.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? A: Because he was a chicken.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What’s invisible and smells like carrots? A: Easter Bunny farts.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What did the tomato do after falling behind in the race? A: Ketchup.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Why did the little boy put lipstick on his head? A: He wanted to make up his mind.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking and well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool. He walks up to her and says, “Hey, beautiful, can I buy you a drink?” She turns around and says: “Listen, I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just love to do it.” “No kidding?” he replies, “I’m a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What do you call a witch who lives by the sea? A: A sandwitch.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What do you call a cow that won’t give milk? A: A milk dud.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? A: “Some asshole has my pen.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? A: The taste.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Two blondes are walking down the street. One reaches into her purse for a makeup compact and looks into the mirror. “This picture looks like someone I know,” she says. Her blonde friend has a look and says, “Of course, dummy. It’s me!”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: What has four legs but can’t walk? A: A table.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Why don’t they have any toilet paper in KFC? A: Because it’s finger-licking good!”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes

“Q: Why is 6 scared of 7? A: Because 7 ate 9 and 10.”
― Scott McNeely, Ultimate Book of Jokes: The Essential Collection of More Than 1,500 Jokes