Claire Kilroy > Quotes

“Eat it, smoke it, stay up all night for it because the memories of the damage you wreak upon your body when you are young will sustain your spirit when you are old.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“I tell my husband about my childhood and he tells me about his but it isn't the same. We can never know each other as we were then. But I know you. I will see the child you were in the man you will become. So come to me. When you need me, come. When you are lost, when are you low: come. When the birds have stopped singing, or you have stopped hearing, because they never stop singing. They are birds.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“Thought I saw you on the beach this morning...Thought I saw you standing on the white strand, your back to the wind. The rain had stopped and there was a brisk clarity in the air. You watched me over your left shoulder, head tucked in coyly. Seabirds flying low in the sky, and the grey-green waves at your foot. A whole panorama thrown up behind you.

I was on the coast road coming back from the shops. I stopped walking once I caught sight of you. You were wearing a reefer jacket with the collar turned up against the weather. It might have been navy, but it looked black in the distance. As did your trousers. As did your shoes. All of you was black except your face and hair. You wore no hat...Never once saw you in Winter clothes, yet there you were as clear as day for a whole moment. Only your eyes were visible above the upturned collar. Your hair was in your eyes. You watched me through those pale strands. And I watched you. Intently.

The man from down the road drove by in his faded red car. He was going the other way, so he didn't offer a lift. He just waved. I waved back. And then I turned to you again, and we looked at each other a little longer. Very calm. Heart barely shifted. Too far away to see your features. No matter. There was salt on your face. Sea salt. It was in your hair. It was on your mouth. It was all over you, as though you gazed at me through ice. And it was all over me. It tingled on my skin.

After a time I moved off, and you broke into two. You realigned yourself into driftwood and stone. I came inside and lit a fire. Sat in front of it and watched it burn. The window fogged up as my clothes and hair dried out. That was hours ago. The fire is nearly gone. But I can still taste the salt on my lips. It is a dry and stinging substance and it is everywhere now. It has touched everything that is left. Coated every surface with its sparkling silt.

I will always be thirsty.”
― Claire Kilroy, All Summer

“Here's my ennobling truth, Sailor: women risk death to give life to their babies. They endure excruciating pain, their inner parts torn, then they pick themselves up no matter what state they are in, no matter how much blood they've lost, and they tend to their infants… Tell me, men: when were you last split open from the inside?”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“Do you know what I would do for you? I hope not. What would I not do, is the question. The universe careens around us and I shield your sleeping body with my arms, ready to proclaim to the heavens that I would kill for you: that I would kill others for you, that I would kill myself. I would even kill my husband if it came down to it. I swear every woman in my position feels the same.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“I laughed and then we were doing that thing again, our thing: laughing into one another's eyes. All that time I had thought I was jollying you along when all that time you were jollying along me.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“We all go bustling about, pushing shopping trolleys or whatever, acting like love of this voltage is normal; domestic, even. That we know how to handle it. But I don’t.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“I knelt down to pick up the hatchling to . . . . what? Give it back to its mother? Here is your dying chick? Just before I made contact with it, she dive-bombed me. The mother actually dive-bombed me. I sat back on my hunkers in surprise and admiration. So slight, so drab, so courageous. She put me to shame. I stood up and backed off and she alighted in front of her young, setting herself and her pattering heart between us.
Babies die, I thought as I regarded her. That is the world we live in.
I did not make this world.
If I could, I thought, I would make a different world. I would make a different world for you and me, Sailor. And for this brave bird.
But I can't.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“He could be anywhere by now, so that is where I look for him. Anywhere...
There are times when I don't recognize this woman who plays with such self-possession. She is something that I have faked. She is William Tyne's daughter, I supposed; his idea of her. I put her forward when I am performing so that he will approach me. I strive to make her taller than she is, more graceful, less unsure. I don't think other people have to try so hard in their lives. Or do they? Are we all living like this? So close to this mesh of nerves?
So I played for my father another concerto, though he was never one for sitting still in a chair. He would make an exception for me, though, his firstborn. He would see the progress I have made.”
― Claire Kilroy, Tenderwire

“When you have a pot belly and I have whiskers. When you are stooped and I am buckled. When it’s a Beckett play. When you wear beige anoraks and I wear bed jackets. Permanently, that is. When I am permanently wearing a bed jacket because I am permanently in a bed, and you are on the visitor’s chair listening to me witter on, and on, I will know When you are on statins and I am too bewildered to understand that this middle-aged man is my baby. —Oh, Time is coming for us, Sailor. Time will do us in— You hardly know what time is But soon you’ll find out. This nice middle-aged man whom I may or may not recognise. Because my mind may be mush by then. Mush like the food they spoon into me. I will still look at you and know Somehow”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“There is always an idealized image in my head of how a thing will be, but it never matches up to the reality. You are the sole exception.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“From the outside a woman cradling a newborn looks peaceful. A new mother is not peaceful but in a jittery state of high alert. We declare her serene so we can leave her to it. So we can behold the glittering surface, remark on its beauty, and walk away.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“When you’re up there at the podium, accepting your Nobel or whatever, I will know “I would like to thank my mother,” you had better say. I have the sticker still, by the way. BRILLIANT! Which I’m not and, chances are, neither are you. You might be David Bowie though he’s a once-off. You may discover the cure for cancer but it’s a long shot. Maybe you’ll arrest climate change. Someone had better, and fast. The likelihood is you’ll be another working stiff in a sea of working stiffs. The world needs working stiffs. If you are one such stiff, I will know Cannot unknow My grandmother in her nineties, dementia, crying out for the baby, the baby, oh God where’s the baby. I get it now. The magnitude. She couldn’t unknow either.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“Hadn't thought about death until I had you. A door opened when you entered my life and that door goes two ways. A baby was placed in the crook of my arm, and a skull on my open palm as I was crowned a mother. Here is your baby. One day you will lose him. He will lose you. You will all lose each other, and he never called her Mama again.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“I encountered an army of mothers at pick-up outside the school that I was sussing out for you the other day. They appeared from several directions at once—around corners, down streets, out of cars. Like zombies, was my first thought as I watched them gravitate towards the school gates. Some of them were pushing buggies, others wheeled scooters, one woman carried a teddy bear. It would be a mistake to assume that because of the soft toy the woman herself was soft. The women carrying teddy bears are the most dangerous of them all. They would kill to protect the owners of those bears. Sailor, I have been that soldier. I stepped back to allow them to pass. These women were not zombies: they were warriors. Nothing would have stopped them. Nothing would get in their way. Marching to the summons of the school bell, catching the children who ran into their arms. Standing over their young until their young were ready to stand alone. Only then would the warriors stand down. The reason this work is considered unchallenging is that women mainly do it.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“The fire illuminated the water lights in his eyes. I had to step back sometimes to marvel at how blessed I was. This beautiful young man sitting by the hearth, waiting for me to join him. When I looked at him looking at me, it felt like we were bouncing light off each other.
I was scared that I wasn't up to it, that I'd spill the light on the floor.. The best times were on the stairs in Daniel's apartment building. It was easiest when I wasn't actually in his apartment, but contemplating it from close by. Our love was most manageable when there was no immediate risk that I would wreck it. Often I was overwhelmed by what was happening between us. It made me almost nauseous, as if I'd eaten too much sugar, or was gambling with sums of money I didn't have. I recognized the same symptom in Ming. She couldn't control her excitement at my return if I'd been out all day, so she'd have to hide in a bag until it was safe to come out. Then she'd panic and ricochet all over the place, skidding into walls, banging her head against furniture. It was just too much for her, the onslaught of joy coupled with the threat of its imminent demise. I knew exactly how that felt.”
― Claire Kilroy, Tenderwire

“That's when I did start loving Daniel. Not when I said I did, but some moments later when he replied in kind. It was the last day of January. Winter was through.”
― Claire Kilroy, Tenderwire

“We crossed to the sea wall. It was a clear night, very beautiful, very still - you will not remember it. I took a photo to file away for the auditor who will one day decree whether I gave you a happy childhood or not, but it came out black. I like to think the image is tucked away in your mind, though, informing the man you will one day become. This is what I like to think: that it's all there, or not all of it, just the good stuff - the midsummer stars as keen as anything, the moon gilding the waves silver, the horizon a dark expanse, the world before man. The lack of bearings took down my fever too, Sailor, which was a different type of fever altogether, a fever which on one level I hope you don't inherit, and on another I pray you do, it being the fever that makes life interesting. I felt good, little Sailor, I felt like myself. I started singing to you, not because I can sing, but despite the fact that I can't.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“I am tired. I am lonely. I have found myself mired in resentment in this new life, become a person I don't wish to be, feeling constant guilt for not feeling constant gratitude for the blessing that is my child. I do feel constant gratitude: I adore my child. But I am tired. I am lonely. I am lost.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“When you were born, you didn’t enter my world: I entered yours. I crawled through the small door that had appeared in the wall and there you were, oh my God, perfect. It took me some time to realise your father was no longer with us, not quite. He was there in the beginning but at some point wandered off, stepping out to make a phone call from which he never fully hung up, popping his head in from time to time to see how we were doing, would we like a cup of tea? It was just you and me on our own in there for a while, and then it was you and me and other infants and their carers. Then one day I noticed a man surrounded by things that were too small for him, things he tripped over or snapped in two with his clumsy male strength, a man soothing tears, a man kissing boo-boos better, a man being—I almost said—a woman.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“Valerian, campion, speedwell, vetch. There are gentle things in this world. Gentle but resilient. Be one of them, Sailor.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“That morning had been so beautiful I was afraid of squandering it. Some day you might know what I mean. April, a tumult of tender new growth after the long hard slog of winter. The imperative to get my fill of summer before it ended although it had not yet begun. To get my fix of whatever it was I thought I needed so badly in my life, that thing, that maddening thing, that was missing. When I look back on my own childhood I see summer days, but when I look back on yours I feel cold.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“Claude didn’t sound every note. He must’ve been playing from memory. There is an unguarded quality in musicians unaware of listening ears. Intimate, hearing the piece like that, played for no one, played from far away, the sound escaping onto a stairwell presumed empty. Sheherazade spun out her tales over a thousand and one Arabian nights. Her tales were her demand for life: I deserve to live so long as I can unravel such intrigue into the world. do not kill me now. Do not strangle me at dawn.

I wondered if that trapped animal of a boy had left off rocking to listen. That pitiful youth, did he understand rapture? There was a terrible pain across my chest. It was the old pain, the old loss. This paper room at the top of the stairs in which, yesterday, my father had been, and now this unassuming beauty welling out of it, unbidden. Sunlight was spilling through the glass door on to the landing; the dust motes might have been there since time began. It was all immensely delicate and just beyond my reach. There were pockets of wonder all over the earth, I knew, like wild animals in glades, and I happened upon them now and then. Less so in America, because it was not my home, but there were pockets in America too, and I prized them all the more for their rarity. Once I blundered into them, the wonder took flight; it evaporated like dew. It was a matter of not blundering into them, of letting them be, of trying to live on the brink of them without intruding.”
― Claire Kilroy

“She didn't have to knock; she had her own key. How thoroughly she had replaced me.

She shut the door behind her and I gulped. It was no more than I'd done to him, I had to accept. Substantially less, in fact. So this was how he felt in January when I walked out. Watching me go, believing I'd soon be in another man's arms, my mind no longer dwelling on him because Daniel was there, the way his mind was no longer dwelling on me because Valentina was there. That I had been so sickeningly cruel without even knowing it; that was a cold, hard shock. Such an ugly bite to it, the taste of my own medicine.”
― Claire Kilroy, Tenderwire

“Hated cling film. Hated it more than I hated kinetic sand. Defeated by something that lacked a third dimension. While I'd been off tinkering on the cerebral plane, the smart money has been mastering its dark art. If you don't keep up with technology, it bypasses you, Sailor, but if you don't keep up with its opposite, the manual realm, it bypasses you just as surely and suddenly, there you are, a creature overtaken by evolution, obsolete, baying at the shoreline.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor

“I always knew that, as the mother, I would get the blame for everything.”
― Claire Kilroy, Soldier Sailor