Stephen Arnott > Quotes

“Gummy was beaten up, strangled, shot and thrown on an ant hill. That's not the action of a lone killer; that's murder by committee. Who else round here has that kind of muscle? The Colonial Dames of America?”
― Stephen Arnott, Jack Bleacher: a parody

“Moss covered grotto”
― Stephen Arnott, Harris's List of Covent Garden Ladies, 1788

“How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one. But the light bulb has really got to want to change.”
― Stephen Arnott, Man Walks into a Bar: Over 6,000 of the Most Hilarious Jokes, Funniest Insults and Gut-Busting One-Liners

“Every woman has not the same talents to please alike, yet, all have some peculiar to themselves; the one sings, another dances with a peculiar grace. One charms by her sense and sensibility; another catches the heart by mere simplicity.”
― Stephen Arnott, Harris's List of Covent Garden Ladies, 1788

“If you try to fail but succeed, which have you done?”
― Stephen Arnott, Man Walks into a Bar: Over 6,000 of the Most Hilarious Jokes, Funniest Insults and Gut-Busting One-Liners

“Venus Mount”
― Stephen Arnott, Harris's List of Covent Garden Ladies, 1788

“I think sex is better than logic, but I can’t prove it.”
― Stephen Arnott, Man Walks into a Bar: Over 6,000 of the Most Hilarious Jokes, Funniest Insults and Gut-Busting One-Liners

“Mistress: something between a mister and a mattress.”
― Stephen Arnott, Man Walks into a Bar: Over 6,000 of the Most Hilarious Jokes, Funniest Insults and Gut-Busting One-Liners

“Harry sent ten different puns to a friend in the hope that at least one of the puns would make him laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.”
― Stephen Arnott, Man Walks into a Bar: Over 6,000 of the Most Hilarious Jokes, Funniest Insults and Gut-Busting One-Liners

“Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were getting chilly. They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.”
― Stephen Arnott, Man Walks into a Bar: Over 6,000 of the Most Hilarious Jokes, Funniest Insults and Gut-Busting One-Liners

“Susie is having trouble with her computer so she calls Harry, the computer guy, over to her desk. Harry clicks a couple buttons and solves the problem. “So, what was wrong?” asks Susie. Harry replies, “It was an ID ten T error.” “ So what’s that?” asks Suzie. “Write it down,” says Harry. “You’ll figure it out.”
― Stephen Arnott, Man Walks into a Bar: Over 6,000 of the Most Hilarious Jokes, Funniest Insults and Gut-Busting One-Liners

“For Loveliness,
Needs not the foreign aid of ornament,
But is, when unadorned, adorned the most”
― Stephen Arnott, Harris's List of Covent Garden Ladies, 1788

“Two buttons had come adrift on her shirt, meaning she was showing more cleavage than was normal for an officer of the law. I don't know if she had children, or planned to, but they would never starve.”
― Stephen Arnott, Jack Bleacher: a parody

“It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.”
― Stephen Arnott, Man Walks into a Bar: Over 6,000 of the Most Hilarious Jokes, Funniest Insults and Gut-Busting One-Liners

“The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The engineer says the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”
― Stephen Arnott, Man Walks into a Bar: Over 6,000 of the Most Hilarious Jokes, Funniest Insults and Gut-Busting One-Liners

“He shook with rage. 'Look what you have done, you vandal. You have destroyed everything!'

'What did you expect me to do? Bend over and wait for the broom-handle?”
― Stephen Arnott, Jack Bleacher: a parody