Julie Halpern > Quotes

“When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!”
― Julie Halpern, Get Well Soon

“What if I have bad breath?' I asked.
'Chew on some gum,' she said.
'What if I can't find his tongue?'
'Back off on your tongue until you can feel his.'
'What if he throws up in my mouth?'
'Um, that would just be gross.”
― Julie Halpern, Get Well Soon

“I'm probably the only person on earth who had to be committed to a mental hospital to find a date.”
― Julie Halpern, Get Well Soon

“Why can someone
get so sick that the only way to get better is to make them more sick?
It’s like the world’s longest exorcism. It doesn’t make sense that I can
chat with someone live on a tiny screen, that governments spend billions
of dollars on war and mayhem, that actors make millions of dollars
to just look pretty and skinny, yet no one can fucking fi gure out
how to cure cancer without torturing people.”
― Julie Halpern, The F-It List

“Char bought a pack of clove cigarettes, claiming they tasted good, to which I ask why doesn't she just go suck on a clove so I don't have to inhale her perfumed second hand smoke?”
― Julie Halpern, Into the Wild Nerd Yonder

“Raisins again. I like raisins, but I have a habit of losing one or two on the floor every time I eat them. I always find them later and think they are: a) a mouse turd or b) a cockroach. Then I figure out it's a raisin and sigh with relief. This pretty much happens every time I find a lost raisin.”
― Julie Halpern, Get Well Soon

“I have always kept a stack of library books next to my bed as a lifeline. If I ever woke in the middle of the night too scared to move or too sad to roll over, the books were my saviors.”
― Julie Halpern, The F-It List

“I hardly think it wise to put the idea of flying into the heads of impressionable teenagers who are already battling the challenges of lunacy.”
― Julie Halpern, Get Well Soon

“I know a flute player is technically called a "flautist," but something about it sounds a little sketchy, as does "pianist," so I will refrain.”
― Julie Halpern

“Get Well Soon. People sent me get well soon cards while I was in a mental hospital. There were fluffy little bunnies, floaty rainbows, and even a religious card. I could understand that Hallmark probably doesn’t make “Get Sane Soon” cards, but still. Was I not well before? Am I well now? Who decides?”
― Julie Halpern, Get Well Soon

“I wished I could erase the message, suck the word “sorry” from the En glish language, and hack it to pieces with a rusty ax.”
― Julie Halpern, The F-It List

“Can we stop calling it a bucket list? Again: implied death,” I
noted.
“I thought it meant all the things you can fi t into a bucket to do.”
“Um, no, I think it means all the things you can do before you
kick the bucket. Which, actually, I think is an allusion to suicide, right?
Like, kicking the bucket out from under your feet while you hang.
Or maybe someone else is kicking out the bucket.”
― Julie Halpern, The F-It List

“I can't buy the idea that we're supposed to live and learn from horrible things. That somehow these things happen so we can grow as people”
― Julie Halpern, The F-It List

“So I carried on, waiting for what ever was to come, with or without God’s help”
― Julie Halpern, The F-It List

“I didn’t have a boyfriend. I had someone to watch horror movies with while my best friend was too sick with cancer.”
― Julie Halpern, The F-It List

“Is it the boiler room? Is this the part where we both fall asleep and Freddy comes after us? ’Cause I could so kick his ass.”
― Julie Halpern, The F-It List

“So love is possible at the Loony Bin. Or, at least, lust.”
― Julie Halpern, Get Well Soon

“I did it." Who leaves a message like that? Who is so paranoid that they have to be so cryptic? If this wasn't day one of my Summer of Nothing, I might be in a hurry to figure this out. but first: breakfast.”
― Julie Halpern, Don't Stop Now

“It's amazing how something can be blue and yet absolutely colorless.”
― Julie Halpern, Get Well Soon

“Her words were generically profound, like a Hallmark card I’d skim over to get to the check.”
― Julie Halpern, The F-It List

“Even sick as fuck and pumped with meds, Becca was a complete pervert.”
― Julie Halpern

“Could it be possible that having cancer has turned you into an even bigger perv? Yes. It's a common side effect.”
― Julie Halpern

“Only three weeks. Is that enough time to fix a person?”
― Julie Halpern

“Science never sucks, it vacuums!”
― Julie Halpern, Have a Nice Day