Harville Hendrix > Quotes

“When we were babies, we didn’t smile sweetly at our mothers to get them to take care of us. We didn’t pinpoint our discomfort by putting it into words. We simply opened our mouths and screamed. And it didn’t take us long to learn that, the louder we screamed, the quicker they came. The success of this tactic was turned into an “imprint,” a part of our stored memory about how to get the world to respond to our needs: “When you are frustrated, provoke the people around you.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“Romantic Love delivers us into the passionate arms of someone who will ultimately trigger the same frustrations we had with our parents, but for the best possible reason! Doing so brings our childhood wounds to the surface so they can be healed.”
― Harville Hendrix, Making Marriage Simple: Ten Relationship-Saving Truths

“Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in relationship?” Because you can’t always have both. You can’t cuddle up and relax with “being right” after a long day.”
― Harville Hendrix, Making Marriage Simple: Ten Relationship-Saving Truths

“He thought he was in love with a person, when in fact he was in love with an image projected upon that person. Cheryl was not a real person with needs and desires of her own; she was a resource for the satisfaction of his unconscious childhood longings. He was in love with the idea of wish fulfillment and--like Narcissus--with a reflected part of himself.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“Helen and I like to think of two people in a conscious love relationship as companion stars. Each person is a unique individual ablaze with potential. One is just as important as the other, and each has a unique and equally valid view of the universe. Yet, together, they form a greater whole, kept connected by the pull of mutual love and respect. They mirror the interconnected universe.     New”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“We have learned over the years of helping couples that just spending quality time talking about each other’s pasts can be very helpful. We’ve seen how effective this can be in our couples’ workshops. Years ago, we devoted half the workshop time to helping couples learn more about each other’s pasts. Now, we spend a fraction of that time and get the same results. There is a concept informally called woundology, where couples spend too much time dwelling on the past, which should be avoided. Nonetheless, spending some time sharing your childhood experiences is vital because it gives you a better understanding of your partner’s inner reality and helps you shift from judgment to curiosity and empathy.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“Is this who I married?! Something is terribly wrong. Let us reassure you, nothing has gone wrong. Romantic Love is just the first stage of couplehood. It’s supposed to fade. Romantic Love is the powerful force that draws you to someone who has the positive and negative qualities of your parents or caregiver (this includes anyone responsible for your care as a child, for example: a parent, older sibling, grandparent, or babysitters.).”
― Harville Hendrix, Making Marriage Simple: Ten Relationship-Saving Truths

“In literature, as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others. —ANDRÉ MAUROIS”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“Experiencing empathy, the freedom to explore, trust, and insight can reset your default reactions to a more curious, tolerant, and confident stance. Because our brains are plastic, consistently positive experiences do stimulate existing neurons to adapt and connect in different pathways. Nurturing relationships help us grow psychologically and neurally in ways that are not possible in nonnurturing relationships. As adults, our most important opportunity for a nurturing relationship comes through committed partnership. It’s a breakthrough to realize that the purpose of committed relationship is not to be happy, but to heal. And then you will be happy!”
― Harville Hendrix, Receiving Love: Transform Your Relationship by Letting Yourself Be Loved

“FROM ECSTASY TO AGONY Romantic Love sticks around long enough to bind two people together. Then it rides off into the sunset. And seemingly overnight, your dream marriage can turn into your biggest nightmare.”
― Harville Hendrix, Making Marriage Simple: Ten Relationship-Saving Truths

“In the words of Wordsworth, we come into the world “trailing clouds of glory,” but the fire is soon extinguished, and we lose sight of the fact that we are whole, spiritual beings. We live impoverished, repetitious, unrewarding lives and blame our partners for our unhappiness.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“People believe that separation opens their eyes to their self-defeating behaviors and gives them an opportunity to resolve those problems with a new partner. But unless they under- stand the unconscious desires that motivated their dysfunctional behavior in the first relationship and learn how to satisfy those desires with the new partner, the second relationship is destined to run aground on the same submerged rocks.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“Ironically, for reasons we will explore in later chapters, fusers (who experienced neglectful caretaking) and isolators (who experienced intrusive parenting) tend to grow up and marry each other, thus beginning an infuriating game of push and pull that leaves neither partner satisfied.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“Dr. Hendrix, why do couples have such a hard time staying together?” I thought for a moment and then responded. “I don’t have the foggiest notion. That is a great question and I think I’ll spend the rest of my career trying to find out.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“A man who attended a recent workshop said that “falling in love with my wife made me feel loved and accepted for who I was for the very first time. It was intoxicating.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“LOVE HEALS ALL” is a well-known sentiment. And it can. It can even heal the deepest emotional wound of all—the ruptured connection between you and your parents. But it needs to be a specific kind of love. It needs to be a mature, patient love that is free of manipulation and distortion, and it needs to take place within the context of an intimate relationship. Receiving empathy from a friend may be very moving, but it does not reach all the way down into your psyche. In order to heal the painful experiences of the past, you need to receive love from a person whom your unconscious mind has merged with your childhood caregivers.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“All this may seem like a terrible tangle. But since partnership is designed to resurface feelings from childhood, it means that most of the upset that gets triggered in us during our relationship is from our past. Yes! About 90 percent of the frustrations your partner has with you are really about their issues from childhood. That means only 10 percent or so is about each of you right now. Doesn’t that make you feel better?”
― Harville Hendrix, Making Marriage Simple: Ten Relationship-Saving Truths

“Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D.   The world is not comprehensible, but it is embraceable: through the embracing of one of its beings. —MARTIN BUBER”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“One minute you’re involved in your life as you know it, when suddenly you see the one. Your eyes meet (perhaps across a crowded room). Heart palpitations start. And the fairy tale of romance begins. Flowers, batting eyelashes, shared meals, laughter. Sunset walks and little love gifts to each other. You spend hours looking forward to your next time together. Maybe you’ll see a movie or simply hang out—talking about everything and nothing.”
― Harville Hendrix, Making Marriage Simple: Ten Relationship-Saving Truths

“Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field. I will meet you there.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“When rudely awakened from the dazzling dream of compatibility, people can get very grumpy. Desperate to end the pain and disappointment Romantic Love leaves behind, many couples get divorced. Others who decide not to do the mind-numbing work of dividing up the stuff may stay together. But they wind up living parallel lives, without any true connection. They assume this is as good as it gets. But secretly they think something must be terribly wrong.”
― Harville Hendrix, Making Marriage Simple: Ten Relationship-Saving Truths

“generally speaking, there are two simplified categories that parenting falls into: intrusive or neglectful caretaking. Parents were either overinvolved—telling us what to do, think, and feel—or they were underinvolved—physically or emotionally absent. These challenges are across the spectrum from subtle to severe. As a response, we become anxious and self-absorbed, losing our capacity for empathy. We become the walking wounded in a battlefield of injured soldiers. For the child who experienced intrusive parents, in later years, she becomes an isolator, a person who unconsciously pushes others away. She keeps people at a distance because she needs to have “a lot of space” around her; she wants the freedom to come and go as she pleases; she thinks independently, speaks freely, processes her emotions internally, and proudly dons her self-reliant attitude. All the while underneath this cool exterior is a two-year-old girl who was not allowed to satisfy her natural need for independence. When she marries, her need to be a distinct “self” will be on the top of her hidden agenda.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“Whoa! The idea that your partner is really a composite of your parents can be a bit upsetting at first. Though we love our parents, most of us got over (consciously) wanting to marry them when we turned five or six. Then, when we hit our teenage years, all we wanted was our freedom. But the fact is, we’re unconsciously drawn to that special someone with the best and worst character traits of all of our caregivers combined. We call this our “Imago”—the template of positive and negative qualities of your primary caregivers.”
― Harville Hendrix, Making Marriage Simple: Ten Relationship-Saving Truths

“When Harville awakened, he looked at the same scene with a loud and appreciative exclamation. I was tempted to explain to him that I had already seen the beautiful view and was now working on an important email. But I recalled the “Still Face” video and moved to the window to join Harville’s enthusiasm for the rising sun and shining beach, rather than be a still face. If I had not joined him, his excitement would have had no echo. The power of this experience led us to include it as a technique we recommend to couples in our workshops and therapy, to cultivate curiosity and wonder by echoing the joy (or the sadness) in their partners. THE”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“Helen’s research in the field of epistemology, the science of “how we know what we know,” helps explain why. There are two different types of knowing: “Separate Knowing” and “Connected Knowing.” Here’s an illustration of the differences between the two. You have a “separate” or intellectual knowing of an apple if you can recognize a picture of the fruit, understand that it contains the seeds of the plant, or talk about its health benefits. You have a “connected” or more experiential knowing of an apple when you hold one in your hand, feel the waxy texture of the skin, smell it, and taste it. Separate knowing is abstract. Connected knowing is concrete. Combining these two ways of knowing can give you a more comprehensive level of understanding. You learn about the apple and you taste it.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“the unconscious is trying to resurrect the past is not a matter of habit or blind compulsion but of a compelling need to heal old childhood wounds.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“People believe
that separation opens their eyes to their self-defeating behaviors and gives them an
opportunity to resolve those problems with a new partner. But unless they under-
stand the unconscious desires that motivated their dysfunctional behavior in the first relationship and learn how to satisfy those desires with the new partner, the second relationship is destined to run aground on the same submerged rocks.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“From our view, these scars are very active in adult intimate relationships and show up constantly when a partner turns away or shows a still face when the other is trying to engage.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“There are times in most relationships when one partner is mystified by the other’s behavior: “You’re crazy. You keep doing the same things over and over, and it’s totally unproductive!” Or, “I am totally confused by you. You make no sense.” “I’m surprised that you’re going to accept that promotion. You are far too busy already.” There are also times when you are triggered by something your partner does or by your partner’s repetitive behavior. Knowing something about your childhoods will help you understand that.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples

“A conscious partnership is a relationship that fosters maximum psychological and spiritual growth; it’s a relationship created by becoming conscious and cooperating with the fundamental drives of the unconscious mind: to be safe, to be healed, and to be whole.”
― Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples