Mira Kirshenbaum > Quotes

“Broken trust can heal more quickly than most of us have thought, too. And it’s worth it, because whoever coined the expression The broken places are stronger where they heal is absolutely right when it comes to trust.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship

“When the satisfaction or the security of another person becomes as significant to one as is one’s own satisfaction or security, then the state of love exists.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

“Fun is the glue of love.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

“I can see every day that a squirrel's perfectly at home in a world of trees. But imagine taking that squirrel and plunking him down in the middle of the desert. This wonderful animal will suddenly feel depressed, anxious, confused, completely at a loss. There are plenty of animals who make a home in the desert, but not the squirrel.

There's nothing really wrong with that downcast squirrel in the desert. He's perfect. But he's only perfect when he's at home, in a place with lots of trees. In the desert a squirrel is an unhappy misfit.

Now imagine doing something stupid: taking that squirrel to a therapist so he'll feel better... You could do squirrel therapy forever but as long as the squirrel's in the desert, he's going to be miserable. But if you just pick him up and bring him to a place with trees, now he's at home and he's happy.

There are so many people who are miserable because they are squirrels in the desert. They think there's something wrong with them. They endlessly try to fix themselves but the fixing doesn't work. Yet they keep trying because it's hard to face the ways they're not at home in the world. And yet how simple it would be if they could see there's nothing wrong with who they are, there's just something wrong with where they are.

But they can feel more at home than they ever imagined. They just have to look for ways that events in their lives are showing them the way home.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives

“If you’ve made it clear what your real bottom lines are and your partner’s violated them anyway, then by definition you will not be happy if you stay and you will only be happy if you leave. Quick take: The bottom line is the end of the line. You have to be fair, though, in implementing this guideline. You can’t just walk around knowing what your limits are in your own mind, while your partner simply doesn’t have a clue, and then if he crosses the line that was invisible to him, you end the relationship. If you know what your bottom lines are, you must tell your partner. This is particularly important in an iffy relationship in which things are so volatile and up in the air.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

“Everything happens for a Reason.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum

“If only you look, you'll find that right in that hole is something you've desperately needed to complete your journey successfully. And you wouldn't have found it if you hadn't fallen in that hole.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives

“Think about your story in a new way,' the wise person says. 'You've been thinking of it as a loss. Now think of it as a liberation. What happened to you--it actually freed you up. And it didn't just free you up any old way. It freed you from some dead weight of the past so you could find a new home that would bring life to some part of you, maybe the best part of you.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives

“If you've been fortunate enough to discover that the meaning of what happened to you is that you have something far more to offer than you ever imagined, you have to offer it. Bring it out of yourself and into the world. This isn't easy. It takes trial and error. You might find obstacles to discovering how an artistic talent can best be expressed, for example. Just remember that certainty you felt inside about how you were special. That's real. You have to let it see the light by doing something with it. And don't give up until you do.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives

“He may bring home the bacon, but he won’t be bringing home your bacon.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Is He Mr. Right?: Everything You Need to Know Before You Commit

“An interviewer once asked me if I could sum up everything I know about psychology in ten words or less. I said, “Hell, I can do it in two words: People cope.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships

“The bad event gave you the strength you needed in your foundation to make possible the next wonderful thing in your life.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives

“Some people are able to forgive when they realize that the other person just couldn't help it, because he or she was sick, damaged, or limited somehow.

Some people find forgiveness when they realize the other person has suffered more than they have.

We also find forgiveness when we realize the other person has suffered enough, even if he or she hasn't suffered more than we have.

We forgive when we realize we're safe now.

We forgive when we realize that we don't want to be the kind of person who doesn't forgive.

We forgive when the other person makes up for what he or she has done.

But perhaps the most important reason is that when we don't forgive, we're the ones who are hurt the most.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives

“If not, you'll just keep falling into holes until you can grasp the gift cosmos keeps on trying to give you.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives

“When we’ve been betrayed, we feel like we’ve discovered the truth about someone. But in fact all we’ve done is discover one truth about them. We’ve discovered that they can do this bad thing. Fine. Now we know. And, of course, it’s devastating.

But where does that leave us? Knowing this bad truth about someone doesn’t mean that no good truth about them is possible. Not at all. The person who betrayed us might well turn out to be someone who is genuinely sorry and has a real capacity for regaining our trust.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, I Love You But I Don't Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship

“tradition is the guru, the person who turns darkness (gu) into light (ru). The guru, in other words, is a teacher.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives

“People often chase the danger they’re least afraid of to distract them from the part of life that scares them most.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives

“There are many paths you can follow to forgiveness. that was one: Understand that your present is different from your past. Here's another: Focus on how it's hurt you not to forgive yourself and on what you need to be safe.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives

“Knowing there's a reason for what happens also saves us from being filled with blame.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives

“classroom. Instead of saying you’re born, you live, you die, Hinduism says you’re born, you learn, and you’re reborn—this is the idea of samsara. Everything you do, think, and feel creates”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives

“If there’s something your partner does that makes your relationship too bad to stay in, and he acknowledges it, but he’s in fact unwilling to do anything about it, and if his unwillingness has been clear for at least six months, you’ll be happier if you leave.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

“Diagnostic question #15 . Does your partner neither see nor admit things you’ve tried to get him to acknowledge that make your relationship too bad to stay in?”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

“The snap judgments we make about people are remarkably valid.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Is He Mr. Right?: Everything You Need to Know Before You Commit

“If you've been fortunate enough to discover that the meaning of what happened to you is that you have something far more to offer than you ever imagines, you have to offer it. Bring it out of yourself and into the world. This isn't easy. It takes trial and error. You might find obstacles to discovering how an artistic talent can best be expressed, for example. Just remember that certainty you felt inside about how you were special. That's real. You have to let it see the light by doing something with it. And don't give up until you do.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives

“There is a set of traditions that has had a huge influence on the spirituality of Americans today. I’m talking, of course, about the religious traditions of India, especially Hinduism and Buddhism. For thousands of years, Hinduism has seen life as a classroom. Instead of saying you’re born, you live, you die, Hinduism says you’re born, you learn, and you’re reborn—this is the idea of samsara. Everything you do, think, and feel creates consequences, or karma. The soul learns from this and progresses, or fails to learn and is held back (like a poor learner in school!) until it learns. Of course, at the heart of the Hindu tradition is the guru, the person who turns darkness (gu) into light (ru). The guru, in other words, is a teacher.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives

“Real love is about falling in like.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives

“The good that comes out of the bad things that happen to you is to help you become your best, most authentic self.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives

“put up an inner barrier that allowed him to not seem to experience the feelings his partner’s putdowns must have been stimulating in him.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

“People do the same thing with problem partners. If you’ve waited a year for your partner to change, you’re almost magically drawn into waiting another year. And then how can you not wait two more years after waiting the first two years?”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship

“Now here's the good part. It was the part where Monica told me was the reason her life had seemed to collapse. It was to give her what she needed so she'd didn't feel incomplete and unfulfilled anymore.”
― Mira Kirshenbaum, Everything Happens for a Reason: Finding the True Meaning of the Events in Our Lives