Elaine Viets > Quotes

“Angela has a boyfriend. Actually, he’s a friend with benefits.”
“What’s that?” Grandma said.
“It means she likes him, and she sleeps with him sometimes when she feels like it.”
“In my day, we called that a husband,” Grandma said.”
― Elaine Viets, Crimes by Moonlight: Mysteries from the Dark Side

“May you live forever, and may I never die.”
― Elaine Viets, Pumped for Murder

“You don't get it!...I was standing right in their house, but I'm invisible. I'm the pizza dude in a polyester uniform that stinks..."

"So you're a ghost," Angela said.

"No! I'm not a ghost. A ghost used to be human. I don't exist in their world....They don't care what they say in front of me, any more than you care what you say in front of your couch. I'm not a person. I'm a thing.”
― Elaine Viets, Fire and Ashes

“Jack Hogenbaum, a.k.a. "Leo D. Nardo, Your Titanic Lover," was the star of Ladies' Nights at the club. He'd been packing them in since the movie. He looked like Leonardo DiCaprio. Well, sort of. At least his brown hair hung down over his forehead on the left side, he had soulful eyes, and when he danced, he could do stuff with a life preserver you never dreamed.”
― Elaine Viets, Doc in the Box

“Please don’t be mad at me,” Rich said. “I thought when a woman cared about a man, she naturally wanted to care for his house. It’s like an instinct.” “Wrong,” Helen said. “There’s no connection between hormones and housekeeping.”
― Elaine Viets, The Dead-End Job Mysteries: Volume 1-3

“As Neil Gaiman said, “Google can bring you back a hundred thousand answers; a librarian can bring you back the right one.”
― Elaine Viets, Josie Marcus Mystery Shopper Volume Two: Books 6-10

“The girl was probably blonde and pretty, like most of the local rich kids. She'd have the meticulous good grooming that passed for beauty: straight teeth, steam-cleaned skin, shiny hair.”
― Elaine Viets, Ice Blonde

“definitely been shellacking the goldfish bowl.”
― Elaine Viets, Josie Marcus Mystery Shopper Volume Two: Books 6-10

“little”
― Elaine Viets, Board Stiff

“As I expected, after my dance with Officer Chris Ferretti at Mario's party, my friends practically had us married. Katie wat he worst, insisting I should 'grab him while you can' -- as if he was a Black Friday bargain.”
― Elaine Viets, A Star Is Dead

“May Ted and Josie continue to give, forgive, and receive more joy with each passing day. May they have the love of their family, the support of their friends, long life, good health, and everlasting love.”
― Elaine Viets, Murder Is a Piece of Cake

“Now my death investigator senses kicked in: I saw the scratch marks she'd made around the neck as she tried to save her life....Becky was dead.

That's when I screamed. Loud and long.

It was most unprofessional.”
― Elaine Viets, A Star Is Dead