Phyllis Diller > Quotes

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
― Phyllis Diller

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”
― Phyllis Diller

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
― Phyllis Diller

“We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.”
― Phyllis Diller

“Money's scarce
Times are hard
Here's your fucking
Xmas card”
― Phyllis Diller

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
― Phyllis Diller

“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”
― Phyllis Diller

“Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?”
― Phyllis Diller

“Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.”
― Phyllis Diller

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
― Phyllis Diller

“Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.”
― Phyllis Diller

“I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard.”
― Phyllis Diller

“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance.”
― Phyllis Diller

“A smile is a curve that sets things right.”
― Phyllis Diller

“It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder, and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.”
― Phyllis Diller

“Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped.”
― Phyllis Diller, Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints

“My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.”
― Phyllis Diller

“You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.”
― Phyllis Diller

“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”
― Phyllis Diller

“We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next 12 months telling them to sit down and be quiet.”
― Phyllis Diller

“If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.”
― Phyllis Diller

“I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.”
― Phyllis Diller