Fred Barnett > Quotes

“It wasn’t kidnapping. She was no kid and she certainly wasn't napping." Shark Fin Soup 2015”
― Fred Barnett

“Elizabeth served herself to Vlad upon the Lazy Susan (Susan wasn’t lazy. She was actually dead." — Bats 2015”
― Fred Barnett

“She could feel something unnatural following her every movement as she washed her bountiful Huzza and Wahzoozie" — BATS”
― Fred Barnett

“Her eyes were dark, corrupt, fathomless and all of that other evil crap. Mostly all of that other evil crap.”
― Fred Barnett

“Wichtor’s been cranky ever since a fat vulture roosted on his granite Cârnat, uh, schmekel in 1864 and broke it off." — Bats 2015”
― Fred Barnett

“Do it for the kids! The ones who look up to you — especially when they are pleading for their lives." — Bats 2015”
― Fred Barnett

“Bolts of energy swirled in the air and streamed into Dave’s butt. Dave sneezed ... No. He farted through his nose.”
― Fred Barnett, Second Chances — I Re-wrote My Life and Improved It! So Can You!

“ I only require that my characters have one thing and one thing in common. A total lack of self-control.”
― Fred Barnett, Second Chances — I Re-wrote My Life and Improved It! So Can You!

“Purrrrrrrr” Elizabeth kneaded Vlad's pecs. “I hear a Kitty!” Vlad’s eyes sprung open. There was a moment of hurt, of sad. There was no kitty. “You’re teasing me!" — Bats”
― Fred Barnett

“Dauna marched her tasty 包子 and 餃 (which were far superior to the dumplings served at the Double Chins Cafe) into the waiting room." — Shark Fin Soup 2015”
― Fred Barnett

“Grrrrowpt.” said dead Penelope. Dead Huthbert nodded, and hugged her.
She moved his dusty hand from her dusty ass." — BATS 2015”
― Fred Barnett

“...causing her eyes to bulge and her tongue to flick from behind her luscious lips, scaring away insects." — Amok 2015”
― Fred Barnett

“He sniffed until the long hairs of his mustache had been sucked up into his nose and out of his leafy ears." — Bats 2015”
― Fred Barnett

“Gentle With Them Thar Spurs'—a sequel to 'Riders of the Purple Sau-Sage.' Spurs was the feminist novel of its day…which was Tuesday." —Bats 2015”
― Fred Barnett

“Dauna drew her lush breasts over Bernie’s cold blue lips. “Yeah. The f*cker’s dead all right." — Shark Fin Soup 2015”
― Fred Barnett

“We won’t be able to sleep without the sound of her self-loathing orgasms crying out into the night." —Bats 2015”
― Fred Barnett

“Bernie let out the most pitiful wail heard since that god-forsaken day in 1942 when Bambi’s mom was shot.”
― Fred Barnett

“They have no discipline. They’ll still need us.”
“Ha!” said Postel. “No discipline? Behold!!!! My cat has written a book! ...And she's published!" — Amok 2015”
― Fred Barnett

“They’re dogs. Never trust a man. Even when he’s dead. Especially when he’s dead. — Bats 2015”
― Fred Barnett

“The figure hanging upside down at the top of the great hall had ‘f’n had it’ with the corpulent little blood dumplings! —Bats”
― Fred Barnett

“What Mufy means is that he is in possession of rather capacious breasts for a male of the human species”
― Fred Barnett, Second Chances — I Re-wrote My Life and Improved It! So Can You!

“Keeeerist! Look at the smile on the poor sumbiche’s face. Ain't seen anything like that since the B.J. Killer was alive." —Shark Fin Soup”
― Fred Barnett

“Muy Peligroso!” Bernie’s choices had become as limited as the Taco Bell menu. Reason and blood had left the building, heading south, faster than reprobates to Florida." — Shark Fin Soup 2015”
― Fred Barnett

“I'll only be wearing a t-shirt,” she said. “I love to let the tropical breeze ruffle my tail feathers.”
― Fred Barnett

“G had fallen asleep and tumbled into the motor assembly of the Ferris wheel. It spat him out.”
― Fred Barnett, Second Chances — I Re-wrote My Life and Improved It! So Can You!

“The Stranger: Darkness warshed over the Dude - darker'n a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie night. There was no bottom.”
― Fred Barnett

“Elizabeth poured the brewskilicious foam over her aforementioned bodalicious huzza-huzzas and Wahwahzoozie." — Bats 2015”
― Fred Barnett

“Vlad was sexting Elizabeth a picture of his pulă rigiditate, while he told Mina. “I vould like totally hang up on the dude. He’s no Baldwin." — Bats 2015”
― Fred Barnett

“The kids found the new high tensile Duncan Yo-Yo string was strong enough to use as a garrotte.”
― Fred Barnett, Second Chances — I Re-wrote My Life and Improved It! So Can You!

“I was afraid that your buns were blown all the way to the Bardot Museum in Paris, where they put them on display, and then….” Mina said, “Were they displayed like this?" —Bats 2015”
― Fred Barnett