Maxime Valette > Quotes

“Today, I hid my credit card from myself so I wouldn’t use it. Now I can’t find it.”
― Maxime Valette, F My Life: And You Thought You'd Had a Bad Day...

“Today, a really hot guy walked into my office. Wanting to impress him, I picked up the phone and pretended to be making a huge business deal, talking loudly about big sums of money. I put the phone down and smiled seductively at him. He said, ‘Hi! I’m here to connect your phone lines.’ FML”
― Maxime Valette, F My Life: And You Thought You'd Had a Bad Day...

“Today, my mum decided to introduce me to her new boyfriend. I know him. I’ve slept with him. FML”
― Maxime Valette, F My Life: And You Thought You'd Had a Bad Day...

“Today, I was talking to the guy I fancy about making the girls’ football team. Excited, he congratulated me and asked for my number. I proceeded to give him my mobile number. He laughed and said, ‘Your shirt number.”
― Maxime Valette, F My Life: And You Thought You'd Had a Bad Day...

“Today, my professor, who was born without arms, asked somebody, ‘Need a hand?’ There are over 300 students in that class and I was the only one laughing. FML”
― Maxime Valette, F My Life: And You Thought You'd Had a Bad Day...

“Today, I was at church and saw a blind teenager who obviously felt lost. Feeling like I should help, I went over and asked if he needed anything. He said, ‘I can’t find my carer.’ I asked, ‘What does she look like?’ FML”
― Maxime Valette, F My Life: And You Thought You'd Had a Bad Day...

“Today, in class, I asked my teacher for a ‘rubber’. I didn’t realize that, in America, ‘rubber’ doesn’t mean ‘eraser’ – it means ‘condom’. FML”
― Maxime Valette, F My Life: And You Thought You'd Had a Bad Day...

“Today, I was babysitting a seven-year-old girl and we were eating chocolate-covered nuts. She kept on chewing the nuts, and wondered aloud where the chocolate was. I told her that to taste the chocolate, you had to suck on the treats. The first thing she told her parents when they got home was: ‘I learned how to suck nuts!’ FML”
― Maxime Valette, F My Life: And You Thought You'd Had a Bad Day...

“Today, I woke up at my grandparents’ house. Still half asleep, I went to brush my teeth. Mid-brush, my mouth started going numb. I inspected the toothpaste. It was my grandpa’s anti-itch anal cream. FML”
― Maxime Valette, F My Life: And You Thought You'd Had a Bad Day...

“Today, I told my dad I was going to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me, laughing, and said, ‘See you in a decade.”
― Maxime Valette, F My Life: And You Thought You'd Had a Bad Day...