William Ury > Quotes

“I have come to the conclusion that the greatest obstacle to getting what we really want in life is not the other party, as difficult as he or she can be. The biggest obstacle is actually ourselves.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“What sustains this “win-lose” mindset is a sense of scarcity, the fear that there is just not enough to go around, so we need to look out for ourselves even at the expense of others.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“The other often much prefers a clear answer, even if it is No, than continued indecision and waffling.”
― William Ury, The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“If there is a single lesson I have learned, it is this: in life, we are destined to lose many things. That is the nature of life. Never mind. Just don’t lose the present. Nothing is worth it.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“It is so tempting to blame those with whom we are in conflict. Who started the argument, after all, if it wasn’t the other person? Blaming makes us feel innocent. We are the ones who were wronged. We get to feel righteous and even superior. And blaming also nicely deflects any residual guilt we might feel. The emotional benefits are clear. But, as I have witnessed in countless conflicts over the years, the costs of the blame game are huge. It escalates disputes needlessly and prevents us from resolving them. It poisons relationships and wastes valuable time and energy. Perhaps most insidiously, it undermines our power: when we blame others for what is wrong in the relationship—whether it is a marital dispute, an office spat, or a superpower clash—we are dwelling on their power and our victimhood. We are overlooking whatever part we may have played in the conflict and are ignoring our freedom to choose how to respond. We are giving our power away.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“As Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”
― William Ury, The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“Deep listening means leaving where our mind is and starting the conversation where their mind is. It means listening from within their frame of reference, not just ours.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“You need to suspend your reaction when you feel like striking back, to listen when you feel like talking back, to ask questions when you feel like telling your opponent the answers, to bridge your differences when you feel like pushing for your way, and to educate when you feel like escalating. Breakthrough”
― William Ury, Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations

“George Bernard Shaw once observed: “People become attached to their burdens sometimes more than the burdens are attached to them.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“Stay in the Zone. It is so easy in the midst of conflict to get lost in resentment about the past or in anxieties about the future. The challenge is to do the opposite and stay in the present moment, the only place where you have the power to experience true satisfaction as well as to change the situation for the better.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“Jiddu Krishnamurti: “To observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“Respect is essentially a yes to others, not to their demands, but rather to their basic humanity. In this sense, respect is indivisible. When we give respect to others, we are honoring the very same humanity that exists in us. When we acknowledge the dignity of others, we are acknowledging our own dignity. We cannot truly respect others without respecting ourselves at the same time.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“There is a saying that goes, “If you talked to your friends the way you talk to yourself, you wouldn’t have any.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“The assistant stayed away from the job—withdrew her cooperation—until the boss came to his senses and accepted her No to bullying (which was actually a Yes to respect).”
― William Ury, The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“How many of us can honestly say that we have plumbed the depths of our minds and hearts? How many of us regularly listen to ourselves with empathy and understanding—in the supportive way that a trusted friend can?”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“The balcony is a metaphor for a mental and emotional place of perspective, calm, and self-control. If life is a stage and we are all actors on that stage, then the balcony is a place from which we can see the entire play unfolding with greater clarity. To observe our selves, it is valuable to go to the balcony at all times, and especially before, during, and after any problematic conversation or negotiation.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“How can we get what we really want and at the same time deal with the needs of others in our lives? Perhaps no human dilemma is more pervasive or challenging.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“Perhaps the biggest obstacle is an internal resistance or no to life as it is: we regret the past, worry about the future, and reject our present circumstances. The key to staying in the zone is to let go of this internal resistance and accept the past, trust the future, and embrace the present, just as they are. The key, in other words, is to say yes to life.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“Yet, as beneficial as it can be, giving respect is often a difficult concession for people to make. In a problematic situation or relationship, respect may be the last thing we feel like giving. We may think that they do not deserve our respect and that they need to earn it. They may not be respecting us, so why should we respect them? If we feel rejected, as the union leader did, we naturally reject back. If we feel excluded, we naturally exclude back. If we feel attacked, we attack back. Out of pain, we cause pain. It is a mutually destructive cycle that has no end as I have witnessed countless times from families to businesses to communities to entire societies. The usual results are losses all around.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“To accept our past, it helps to reframe our stories and give a positive meaning to even the most difficult life events. We may have no power to change the past, but we do have the power to change the meaning we assign to it.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“Your Plan B may seem like an imposed consequence since it is you who are the key actor. But remember what your Plan B is—your best alternative should the other refuse to respect your interests. It is not a punishment for the other, but simply the logical path for you to follow in pursuit of your legitimate needs. It is an alternative path to success. Let your Plan B speak for itself. Through your quiet tone and confidence, let the other know you are serious about carrying out your Plan B with its attendant logical consequences.”
― William Ury, The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes

“As I have learned over the years, the real difficulty in getting to yes is not just in the external negotiation between the two parties but also in the internal negotiation within each party.”
― William Ury, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict

“I used to believe that gratitude for life came from being happy, but I have come to realize that the reverse is also true, perhaps even more so: being happy comes from feeling grateful for life.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“For every ounce of power you use, you need to add an ounce of conciliation. Let”
― William Ury, Getting Past No: Negotiating in Difficult Situations

“The bedrock desire then, is a universal one: to be loved and happy. This may seem utterly obvious, but uncovering this universal desire can actually open up a new line of internal inquiry. If you don’t get the raise at the level you want, can you still be happy? Does your happiness depend on the raise—or even on the marriage—or does it come from you, from inside? It is not an idle question. To the extent that you can find a way to experience love and happiness from the inside, you will be more likely to find love and happiness if you get married or if you don’t, if you get the raise or if you don’t.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself as I am, then I change.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“This inner yes is an unconditionally constructive attitude of acceptance and respect—first toward yourself, then toward life, and finally toward others.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“pain may be inevitable but suffering is optional.”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“Winston Churchill once quipped, “The pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.” He went on to say, “I am an optimist. It does not seem much use being anything else.” Trust”
― William Ury, Getting to Yes with Yourself:

“Take Away Their Stick If the other’s reaction to our No is to hurt or threaten us, our first instinct may be to hurt them back. A more effective strategy, however, is to neutralize the impact of their behavior. If, as in the story of the Zen master, they are threatening to hit you with a stick, don’t hit them back; just take away the stick. In other words, don’t attack the other, but simply remove their ability to attack you.”
― William Ury, The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes