Mark Tufo > Quotes

“I see a tongue! Some asshole is licking my peephole.”
― Mark Tufo, Zombie Fallout

“Take heed your actions lest ye become like the enemy ye seek to destroy.”
― Mark Tufo

“Why didn’t I listen to my drill instructor from boot camp? He told us flat out, ‘Don’t EVER volunteer for anything! If you’re picked you go, but don’t EVER volunteer your worthless lives!’ Words to live by.”
― Mark Tufo, Zombie Fallout

“And Lord knows I’d pissed off enough people in my life that ‘friendly fire’ was always a personal concern of mine.”
― Mark Tufo, The End Has Come and Gone

“Is he singing?” BT asked. “He is. What is that shit…REO Speedwagon? Why are you crackers always bat-shit crazy? You’d never see a black man tip-toeing through the zombies singing crappy 80’s music.”
― Mark Tufo, For the Fallen

“You’re kidding, right?” I asked in response to his song choice. I was being dragged through a tunnel by a tripping madman singing Disney songs…with zombies above me. I couldn’t have made this shit up if I tried.”
― Mark Tufo, 'Till Death Do Us Part

“Tommy might be a boy in outer appearance but he was 500 years my senior and significantly more powerful than me. "We" had a serious problem really meant, "I" had a serious problem.”
― Mark Tufo, Rise of the Werewolf

“Talbot?” Tracy cried, barely able to contain her surprise or shock. “Is that really you?” She took a half step towards me. “Of course it is!” BT said, barreling towards me. “Who the fuck else would wear a tin foil hat!”
― Mark Tufo, 'Till Death Do Us Part

“They say drinking alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, well, neither does drinking milk.”
― Mark Tufo, An Old Beginning

“So let’s make sure we’re clear on this: Obviously the people that managed to get to the roof knew their lives were in danger. They had the presence of mind to climb to a safe haven and even to arm themselves as best they could. So far so good, but then one of the group decided that they might need some beverages to stave off thirst, still good. That person, fearing for his life, went to the beer section, which again is admirable, everyone knows beer is the nectar of the gods. But then he grabs Keystone Light? Are you kidding me? I’d rather eat the can than drink the contents.”
― Mark Tufo, Zombie Fallout

“Well that’s one benefit of the zombie apocalypse…drunk driving isn’t a crime anymore.”
― Mark Tufo, 'Till Death Do Us Part

“Ah, precocious kids, don’t you just want to throw them up against a wall and see if they stick?”
― Mark Tufo, A Plague Upon Your Family

“If you can't beat em. Become as crazy as a fuckin' loon and enjoy the ride.”
― Mark Tufo, An Old Beginning

“Holy shit, do you guys dare each other every night to see who can do the stupidest shit the next morning?”
― Mark Tufo, Into the Fire

“Men, by nature, are built for win or lose. We can deal with either scenario, sometimes poorly, other times with dignified grace. But we need to win or we need to lose.”
― Mark Tufo, An Old Beginning

“Mike, as the only black member of this dysfunctional group, I’m truly amazed that I’m still alive. I mean I’ve watched almost every horror movie ever made, and without fail, if a man of color is in the movie, he dies first. In recent years, however, it has gotten somewhat better. Now, we sometimes make it to second killed, after the ditzy blonde, but I’ve got to imagine that a brother’s life expectancy in any horror setting is generally a couple of hours, at most.”
― Mark Tufo, Alive in a Dead World

“There’s not a woman alive that will let the facts get in the way of them winning an argument.”
― Mark Tufo, For the Fallen

“My face was puffed out like I had been stung by a hive of pissed off bees; although that doesn’t make any sense. I mean, if a bee stings you, then, by nature, he’s pissed off. Right?”
― Mark Tufo, Zombie Fallout

“I cannot tell you how fucking brutal it is to constantly shove your foot into your own mouth. Although you’d think after how many times I’d done it, I would have stretched it out by now. “It’s hard being this big of an ass,” I said as I let my head hang low.”
― Mark Tufo, Tattered Remnants

“When confronted with a wild animal (in this case a female human), it is best to avoid direct eye contact and make no fast or sudden movements.”
― Mark Tufo, A Plague Upon Your Family

“it looked like we had gone through a car wash designed by Stephen King.”
― Mark Tufo, Zombie Fallout

“But when a giant black man is screaming at the top of his lungs in a post-apocalyptic world that you need to get your skinny asses back on the truck to save yourselves, you tend to listen.”
― Mark Tufo, A Plague Upon Your Family

“We had an understanding, you and me, Talbot. I would hang with you, if and only if, you didn’t get any fucking nuttier,”
― Mark Tufo, Alive in a Dead World

“Take heed your actions lest ye become like the enemy ye seek to destroy.’ ”
― Mark Tufo, Zombie Fallout

“Fine, just don’t get shot again,” she told me as she grabbed her backpack. Really? I thought. Wouldn’t that kind of be the first thing I would avoid? That’s like saying, ‘Don’t let that train hit you’. Or, ‘don’t let the chainsaw-wielding madman disembowel you’. Or better yet ‘Contents of Coffee Cup are extremely hot, do not pour in lap’.”
― Mark Tufo, For the Fallen

“Somehow it seemed nobler to die naked like a savage than with a terry cloth towel around my waist.”
― Mark Tufo, Zombie Fallout

“If you, the reader, really, REALLY, want to know what was going on in Little Turtle, go feed your dog or your neighbor’s dog some chili, slathered in hot sauce and maybe throw in some chocolate cake. Okay wait for it, WAIT. Now about a half hour later, your dog’s innards are pretty much going to rupture, so make sure he’s outside. Now while this steaming pile of shit is still warm and fetid, place it in a plastic shopping bag—DON’T TIE IT UP! Now place the carrying handles one on each ear and inhale deeply. You must walk around with this bag draped across your face continually. Is this starting to punch through? Now, every time the dog crap begins to harden up and lose some of its edge, go grab yourself another refreshing pile of fresh dog offal. While you are breathing deeply of this savory concoction, try to eat some enchiladas or maybe some lasagna. Oh hell, just try to sleep with that thing affixed to your face.”
― Mark Tufo, Zombie Fallout

“Women are smarter.” “Well, I mean, I know that. I guess I just didn’t realize how much more.”
― Mark Tufo, Tattered Remnants

“It was brutal acting this nonchalant. I was revved up like an ADD sufferer at a kaleidoscope convention.”
― Mark Tufo, For the Fallen

“There were no zombies in those movies is all I’m saying. How many dangers should we have to face on any given day? We’ve got zombies, vampires, rednecks and now a biker gang. Enough is enough already!”
― Mark Tufo, 'Till Death Do Us Part