Alex Watts > Quotes

“Merry Christmas,” said Salt. “Happy Christmas,” said Pepper. Seasonings greetings...”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards... - George Carlin”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter: “Have you got frog’s legs?” He said: “Yes.” So I said: “Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.” - Tommy Cooper”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“I went to a seafood disco yesterday. I managed to pull a mussel.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“Q: What’s two-feet long and fucks chickens? A: An axe.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“A man orders a pizza and the waiter asks if he should cut it into six pieces, or twelve. “Make it six,” says the man. “I could never eat twelve.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said: “May contain nuts...” Well, yes. That’s what I bought them for. You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“Quorn... Only any good in Scrabble.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea? A: Because if they lived near the bay, they’d be called bagels.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A: A carrot.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“The history of cheese is full of holes, but it’s interesting in its own whey.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“One day my grandfather got some vinegar in his ear... Now he suffers from pickled hearing.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“Q: What cheese is made backwards? A: Edam.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“Q: What’s small and red and whispers? A: A hoarse radish.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“A man goes to the doctor’s and says: “Doctor, doctor, I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my arse!” The doctor says: “I’ve got some cream for that.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“Q: Why do the French like snails? A: Because they don’t like fast food.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“The crayfish was always dropping things - he was accident prawn.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“Q: What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? A: Nacho cheese.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“Q: What kind of nuts always have a cold? A: Cashews.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“Q: What does a clock do when it’s hungry? A: It goes back four seconds.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One spring morning, they woke up, and the father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around at the sunshine and flowers. “Mother Mole!” he called back down the hole. “Come up here! I can smell honey, freshly-made honey!” Mother Mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. “That’s not honey,” she says, “that’s maple syrup! I can smell maple syrup!” The baby mole is still stuck down in the hole, sulking. “I can’t smell anything down here but molasses...”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes

“I lost 323 calories today... A fucking seagull stole my Snickers.”
― Alex Watts, World's Best Food Jokes