Heidi Cullinan > Quotes

“sometimes I feel like everyone else is carrying a bucket of water but I’m trying to carry an ocean. its very hard. sometimes I would rather not carry my ocean, even if it meant I couldn’t be alive.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Carry the Ocean

“It was a full Spears album, apparently, and each song was as ridiculous as the one before. They were catchy, yes, but so was the plague.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Dance With Me

“Sometimes the ones we love are like butterflies, flitting all over, and we have to sit and wait patiently for them to land. Sometimes they never do, and that’s a risk we take. But sometimes what they need most is to see us sitting still, patient, waiting. To understand that we’re going to be there no matter what, that we’re the ones who are always sitting there waiting, loyal, loving. Sometimes that’s more powerful than any words.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Love Lessons

“In the deserted men's restroom at the back of Middleton Community College, Sam Keller knelt on the tile, braced his hands against Keith Jameson's thighs, and broke his mother's heart.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Special Delivery

“You can't say that you need to burn witches and shun gay men but eat pork and wear all the mixed fibers you want!!”
― Heidi Cullinan, Nowhere Ranch

“When you have an invisible disease, your sickness isn’t your biggest problem. What you end up battling more than anything else, every single day, is other people.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Carry the Ocean

“No one is normal. Normal is a lie.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Carry the Ocean

“Frankly, I’m awesome, and anybody who doesn’t agree should get out of my way.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Carry the Ocean

“Depression is having a crowd of dementors live in your head twenty-four/seven.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Carry the Ocean

“my emotions feel loud and big. its hard for me to keep hold of them. they weigh me down. make me heavy and tired and overwhelmed. sometimes I feel like everyone else is carrying a bucket of water but I’m trying to carry an ocean. its very hard. sometimes I would rather not carry my ocean, even if it meant I couldn’t be alive.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Carry the Ocean

“I am normal. I belong. I have a friend who can kick ass from a wheelchair. I live independently and get good grades. I'm an excellent lover.

Like I said. I'm awesome. I'm Emmet David Washington. Train Man. The best autistic Blues Brother on the block.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Carry the Ocean

“That's my ocean. I have to pretend as best I can to be like people on the mean so people don't call me a robot. I'm not a robot. I'm real and I have feelings the same as everyone else. And I want a boyfriend. Except my ocean doesn't make me want to be dead. It makes me want to fight. I want you to fight too, Jeremey. I want us to carry our oceans together.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Carry the Ocean

“Remember having a panic attack isn’t a failure, and not having one isn’t a success. Success is not letting the attacks run your life”
― Heidi Cullinan, Carry the Ocean

“Sometimes I liked him for his smile. Sometimes I liked him because he didn’t smile. Sometimes I got an erection because of the way he brushed his hair away from his face. It didn’t matter to my brain that these were odd reasons to care for someone. My brain, my body, my everything wanted to be Jeremey’s boyfriend.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Carry the Ocean

“Every book is a revolution. Books are our ticket out of boredom, despair, loneliness—but also ignorance.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Sleigh Ride

“Sit. I can't flirt standing up, and you're freakishly tall.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Double Blind

“He wondered if this, more than guilt, was what had been holding him back. It wasn't that he was punishing himself as much as it was that he didn't really want anything anymore. But was that true? Did he really not want anything? What did he want to do? What did he want, period?”
― Heidi Cullinan, Dance With Me

“People are good medicine, but they can’t be your foundation of functionality. You must build that yourself.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Carry the Ocean

“It’s like Elwood Blues says: everybody needs somebody to love. I’m an everybody. I get a somebody.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Carry the Ocean

“I really am Super Emmet, and like the comic book Superman, I have a powerful secret weapon. My mom.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Carry the Ocean

“That's it, he rasped. Hump me. Are you a dog? Are you a dog in heat? You my dog? He slapped me again. Speak, puppy.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Nowhere Ranch

“Why do you stay with me?" he whispered. He wished he hadn't said it once the words were out of of his mouth, wished he could pull them back, but Laurie didn't seem fazed at all. In fact, he just smiled a crooked smile and kissed him again. "Because I don't want to dance by myself," he whispered.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Dance With Me

“Absolutely no slouching, Ed. You're the frame. You're the stem to my flower. Quit giving me crooked pictures and wilted flowers.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Dance With Me

“Jesus, Steve hated cats. “They’re so precious.” Chenco crouched to love on the calico’s belly. “I always wanted one, but my mom said no, and of course Cooper would have killed it for fun.” Fuck, Steve was going to have to get a cat.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Tough Love

“Kill them with kindness and if that didn't work, use a shotgun”
― Heidi Cullinan, Love Lessons

“I was feeling like all that crazy sea inside me was settling into a calm. He had drawn it all out of the bottle I kept it in, but when I looked up at him like that, it settled, because if my wild insides were a sea, those gray eyes were the world's biggest fucking bowl, and they held me. Caught me and held me and bore me up.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Nowhere Ranch

“He gave himself to them completely, with no guilt, no shame, no reservation, and in that surrender he found a quiet, shining pearl he had never known existed - himself. He was Sam. He was Sunshine. He was Peaches.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Special Delivery

“But what I am done with is waiting for when things are better. I’m done waiting for the pain to be all gone. I’m done trying to keep it at bay.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Dance With Me

“Endings are hard, but important. You have to have an end, so you can have another beginning.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Lonely Hearts

“There is no normal, not really. Not a right and a wrong way to be. But there is belonging. That day in Bohemia with Jeremey and David and the girls, I belonged. I belonged as much as anybody on the mean. Maybe even a little bit more.”
― Heidi Cullinan, Carry the Ocean