Carla Fine > Quotes

“Coping with any death is traumatic; suicide compounds the anguish because we are forced to deal with two traumatic events at the same time. According to the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the level of stress resulting from the suicide of a loved one is ranked as catastrophic–equivalent to that of a concentration camp experience.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“Most of us adapt; eventually learning to navigate on ground we no longer trust to be steady. We gradually come to accept that our questions will not be answered. We try not to torture ourselves for having failed to predict the coming catastrophe and preventing our loved ones from taking their lives.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“Every family member reacts to the suicide of a loved one in his or her own individual manner: from anger to admiration, from identification to denial. Dr. Edward Dunne likens the suicide of his brother, Tim, to a meteorite that crashed into his family, sending each member into different and separate orbits of mourning. “Suicide destroys the original fabric of the family, forcing a reintegration of the survivors,” he says. “The pace at which individual family members are ready and able to do this will vary, necessitating individual interventions.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“The roller coaster of emotions following a suicide causes intense feelings of isolation and a breaking apart from all that once seemed familiar.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“For me, being a survivor has made me a reluctant participant/observer in my own inner struggle between wanting that to be the most important fact of my life and wanting it to be the least important.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“Because of the traumatic nature of suicide, certain dates such as anniversaries, holidays, and birthdays take on greater significance for the survivor, observe Karen Dunne-Maxim, Edward Dunne, and Marilyn Hauser in Suicide and Its Aftermath: Understanding and Counseling the Suicide Survivor. “We have seen many families who dread the approach of these occasions as unwanted reminders of their pain. It is our belief that holidays and birthdays should be observed recognizing the loss but using new family rituals which promote both celebration and healing.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“Comparison is the best medicine. There is such an air of mystery surrounding suicide. People are looking for closure and answers, wanting to know what has really happened. This is especially difficult with suicide because we can’t ask the people who killed themselves why they did it. The one common denominator among the people who come to the meetings is pain. With some, recovery is slower and the bitterness deeper; others are able to compartmentalize their feelings.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“want people to know that you can go on, even though you’re no longer whole.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“Suicide is such a mess. It is unbelievable how one person’s decision can affect so many lives.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“The unfinished business created by suicide overshadows the mourning process; we can begin to heal only if we are able to mourn.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“For those of us who have survived the suicide of a loved one, life will never be normal again. We have changed and will never be the same people we once were. Yet, as we become more open about our experiences, the stigma of suicide will start to recede. By letting go of the secret of our loved one’s death, we can begin to reclaim our memories of his or her life. Part Three”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“Suicide notes are written by approximately 25 percent of people who kill themselves, according to John McIntosh in Suicide and Its Aftermath: Understanding and Counseling the Survivors. Yet, like Mary, many survivors find these last messages from their loved ones to be more confusing than comforting. Because the notes are often composed during states of extreme agitation, their incoherent references and cryptic allusions usually bring about more uncertainty than resolution.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“My dad died at a point in his life when he was mentally at peace.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“You have to go through it to get through it.” That”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“By convincing myself that an action or word on my part would have prevented his death, I did not have to admit that my husband’s decision to end his life was both solitary and unconnected to me.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“Suicide is an anguished response to loss: the loss of faith, of a loved one, of health, of mental powers, of money, of the ability to fight. As we survivors separate ourselves from the hopelessness and desperation that propelled our loved ones to end their lives, we start to mourn their deaths, not their suicides, and begin to heal from the very real pain deep within us.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“As we struggle to put our lives back together, survivors must deal not only with the chaos that suicide leaves behind but also with the uncertainty of its future effects. Even as we begin to understand that our loved ones killed themselves in a desperate attempt to end their pain, we often feel that their anguish has not been extinguished but simply passed on to us.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“Coming to terms with the suicide of a loved one is confusing enough for an adult; for children, the loss is complicated by parents or others trying to explain the dual concepts of death, then death by choice.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“sense of responsibility because of the well-documented connection between the ready availability of firearms and suicide. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, people living in a household where a firearm is kept are nearly five times more likely to die by suicide than people who live in gun-free homes. The New England Journal of Medicine reports that the rate of suicide by firearms among adolescents and young people has more than doubled over the past twenty-five years, and warns: “Owners of firearms should weigh their reasons for keeping a gun in the home against the possibility that it might someday be used in a suicide.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“During any crisis, it is often difficult to admit that we need outside guidance to assist us in working out our problems. For many survivors, this reluctance to seek help is often intensified by the belief that conventional support systems failed in preventing the suicide of a family member.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“In order to forgive not only him but also myself, I had to accept that, ultimately, it was Harry’s own choice to kill himself. All I can do is disagree with his decision.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“under other circumstances. People differ in how rapidly they recover and how they express their grief after a death. The most immediate response, however, is shock, numbness, and a sense of disbelief. There are dramatic and rapid swings from one state to another, including depressed moods, difficulty in concentrating, anger at the deceased for dying, guilt about what might have been done to avoid the death, irritability, anxiety, restlessness, and extreme sadness. People also experience numerous physical symptoms, such as pain, gastrointestinal upset, lack of energy and sleep, and appetite disturbances.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“Coping with any death is traumatic; suicide compounds the anguish because we are forced to deal with two traumatic events at the same time. According to the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the level of stress resulting from the suicide of a loved one is ranked as catastrophic—equivalent to that of a concentration camp experience.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“inevitable defeat but in recognizing that our spirit of survival remains both resilient and intact.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“Eventually, I stopped trying to find the answer to why Kim had died. Now I no longer debate the whys in my head, the could-haves, the should-haves, the what-ifs. With suicide, the search for understanding is totally encompassing—there’s no room for anything else. You have to give up the search in order to go forward. Ten years later, the question of why my daughter killed herself is more nostalgic than anything; it’s no longer even rhetorical, just reminiscent of what seems like another lifetime. I try to remember that old pain but I can’t imagine it anymore. The loss is the loss, whatever I do.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“I’m also convinced that even if he was aware of the devastating consequences his act would have on the rest of us, he still would have gone through with it. Suicide is very selfish. With the force of one bullet, Paul blew away all the history we shared together. Suddenly, I was alone with my parents, the sole guardian of my childhood memories.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“Only as I began to accept the idea that my husband’s choice to kill himself was his alone did the powerful grip of the what-ifs of his suicide begin to loosen.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“each and every person in that group. I pray that they’re all well.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“For many parents, guilt over their children’s suicide is compounded by the real or perceived prejudgment that they are responsible for the actions of their children.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One

“We are also afraid. We are told about a possible “suicide gene” that can be passed down from generation to generation. We are informed that after our exposure to a loved one’s suicide, we are more psychologically receptive to consider it as a viable option for ourselves. Survivors learn that our chances of killing ourselves are now significantly greater, with rates estimated at up to 400 percent higher than those of the general public.”
― Carla Fine, No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving The Suicide Of A Loved One