Shaun Micallef > Quotes

“Spilsby in Lincolnshire is proud of its most famous son, Sir John Franklin, and home to an enormous bronze statue of him. It was unveiled in 1875 and according to the legend on its plaque, it was Sir John who discovered the Northwest Passage. This is overstating things a little, given that the discovery was made twenty-five years later and by Roald Amundsen.”
― Shaun Micallef, The President's Desk: An Alt-History of the United States

“The Comte, still dressed as a woman, shifted in his seat. It wasn't that he was uncomfortable; it was that the chair was.”
― Shaun Micallef, De'Ath Takes a Holiday

“I had joined a few clubs and societies when I started at university but seldom attended meetings. I even inadvertently signed up with ASIO one year. Presumably, I am part of a sleeper cell and I will get an email activating me at some point.”
― Shaun Micallef, Tripping Over Myself: A Memoir of a Life in Comedy

“If history teaches us anything, it’s that we learn nothing from it.”
― Shaun Micallef, De'Ath Takes a Holiday

“It goes without saying that I don't remember actually being born, but on all the available evidence so far there is very little reason for me to believe that I wasn't.”
― Shaun Micallef, Tripping Over Myself: A Memoir of a Life in Comedy

“The truth is, writing is easy. All you need to do is think of a story and then write it down. The hard part is getting someone to read it.”
― Shaun Micallef, The Uncollected Plays of Shaun Micallef

“I would like to be remembered - and I hope this doesn't sound pretentious - as the Jean-Paul Sartre of Australian comedy: challenging the spiritually destructive conformity of my bourgeois upbringing and ultimately finding a more authentic way of being as a light-entertainment television presenter.”
― Shaun Micallef, Tripping Over Myself: A Memoir of a Life in Comedy

“They - the London constabulary - had indeed caught the Ripper. Or, at least, someone they thought was the Ripper. Whoever it was had certainly been caught in the act of murdering a prostitute. They even let him finish to make sure. He also admitted to the arresting officer that he had committed all the previous murders of prostitutes in the area and that he would do it again unless he was stopped. They let him go to see if he was telling the truth and, sure enough, he killed another prostitute. The suspect was reapprehended and taken into custody.”
― Shaun Micallef, De'Ath Takes a Holiday

“What joy it is to hold your breath and wonder. What a shame it is when things are explained and undone. The price of curiosity is learning how things work.”
― Shaun Micallef, Slivers, Shards & Skerricks: A one-man anthology by one of Australia's most intelligent and more handsome Renaissance men

“The Comtes had been known to visit town on occasion, always at night and always via a funeral coach with no driver, pulled by a team of pitch-black stallions; usually to visit the local police chief or the mayor with a generous donation. Just how generous was not known, for the De’Aths considered public displays of philanthropy vulgar and preferred their contributions to the community to be anonymous. Regardless of the sums and the circumstances, schools were built and major works progressed after such visits. Babies also went missing and there was an increase in sightings of sylphs ‘dancing across the sky’ but both police chief and mayor assured the townsfolk it was just a coincidence.”
― Shaun Micallef, De'Ath Takes a Holiday

“What anyone else thought of the show, I don't know, although I once had a Liberal senator actually ring me to take me to task over the way we'd referred to him. He asked me to keep the conversation between us and I wouldn't betray his confidence just to sell a few books. It was Bill Heffernan.”
― Shaun Micallef, Tripping Over Myself: A Memoir of a Life in Comedy

“Dad was always saying great things like that. Once, we were both watching the sun set over the water at Glenelg Beach. 'There's something you don't see every day,' he said. I resisted the urge to be a smart-arse and point out that a sunset was exactly the sort of thing you saw every day. As the sky plunged into a Tiepolo orgy of pink and blue with shafts of golden light stretching out from behind the clouds, I knew what he meant. And it was nice to see things
through his eyes sometimes.”
― Shaun Micallef, Tripping Over Myself: A Memoir of a Life in Comedy

“I used to worry about growing up happy and comfortable. Maybe I wouldn't be funny enough to make it. Most of my comic heroes had it tough in their early years. Chaplin grew up in Dickensian poverty, Keaton with an alcoholic and violent father, Sellers a suffocating mother; Spike Milligan was even blown up by a mortar! All I had was my stupid loving family and a childhood where nothing horrible ever happened.”
― Shaun Micallef, Tripping Over Myself: A Memoir of a Life in Comedy

“There is nothing more unmistakable than the sound of chocolate on willow.”
― Shaun Micallef, Preincarnate

“I’ve always been fascinated with the idea of selling my soul to the Devil in return for untold power and riches. Perhaps it’s the actor in me. Perhaps it’s the lawyer I once was. Perhaps, like everyone, I just want untold power and riches in exchange for something that, let’s face it, doesn’t exist.”
― Shaun Micallef, The Uncollected Plays of Shaun Micallef

“Asleep or awake — what’s the difference when you’re screaming?”
― Shaun Micallef, Slivers, Shards & Skerricks: A one-man anthology by one of Australia's most intelligent and more handsome Renaissance men