Adam Selzer > Quotes

“When you're dead, everything in the world is like a song that makes you cry.”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“The Civil Rights Act of 1964 was the most sweeping civil rights legislation of its day, and included women's rights as part of its reforms. Ironically, the section on women's rights was added by a senator from Virginia who opposed the whole thing and was said to be sure that if he stuck something about womens' rights into it, it would never pass. The bill passed anyway, though, much to the chagrin of a certain wiener from Virginia.”
― Adam Selzer, The Smart Aleck's Guide to American History

“Wow,” says Peter, “when your guidance counselor tells you to die, you really have problems.”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“Let me get this straight," I say. "You're practically ordering me to die. What kind of guidance counselor are you?”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“Some of them are wearing skirts that I'm pretty sure are supposed to be belts.”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“If you really like someone, it doesn't matter what their mouth feels or tastes like. The kiss is still awesome.”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“A long time ago, Trinity and I made a list of types of guys you should never date. We add to it every now and then. It includes things like never date a guy whose computer costs more than his car (you'll never get him to pay attention to you except over instant messages), never date a guy who has a pet lizard (he's probably into weird stuff in bed) and never under any circumstances go on a second date with a guy who says the word "married" on the first date (he'll turn out to be a mama's boy or a religious type)”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“Go to college. Have a lot of babies. Break a lot of hearts. And realize every minute of it.”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“There a lot of things I can't do," he says. "With my... health."

"Well," I say, "can you kiss girls?”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“Not that anyone minds--no one's paying attention to the music. Most of them never really listen to music. Practically no one actually does. Even at concerts people pay good money for, instead of a three-dollar cover charge, they talk through the whole thing. I feel sorry for them, since none of them understand what it's like to have a song just get into your soul and become your whole world. They don't know what it's like when a song changes your life.”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“When a girl turns down your advances, the polite thing to do is just move on.”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“Isn't it generally known that you have to overlook flaws in people you date, to some extent? I mean, you expect them to overlook your flaws. It's only fair that you overlook some of theirs.”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“And the third is from him: "Second date?"

I immediately text him back: "Hell yeah!"

Then I collapse on my bed and enjoy that "butterflies in the stomach" feeling. I've felt the butterflies before from time to time, but this is the first time I haven't sort of wanted to attack them with a flyswatter.”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“I mean, you really can't imagine how awesome coffee tastes, or how awesome it is to hear music, to hear idiots talking... I mean, it hurts. Everything hurts. But everything in the world is so awesome that sometimes I just can't stand it.”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“I mean, who wants to date a guy who thinks a girl who can't operate a fruit cup is attractive?”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“Did you just hit on her by calling her your cousin?" asks Sadie. "'Cause, damn!”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“No es que a alguien le importe… nadie le está prestando atención a la música.
La mayoría de ellos, realmente nunca escucha música. En realidad, prácticamente nadie lo hace. Incluso en los conciertos en los que las personas pagan un buen dineral, en vez de una tarifa de tres dólares, hablan en medio de todo el asunto. Lo siento por ellos, ya que ninguno entiende lo que es conseguir que una canción entre en tu alma y se convierta en el mundo entero. Ellos no entienden lo qué es que una canción cambie tu vida.”
― Adam Selzer

“I had figured out that it was a bad idea, but, well, it´s hard to argue with love, even when it´s making you do something really stupid.”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“What are you eating?" he ask us.

"Whatever won't kill me, please" I said.

"Whatever don't kill you'll make you stronger" says Eddie, who is always ready with folksy wisdom.

"All right," I say. "Then give me whatever will make me stronger."

"One pizza, coming up.”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“Whenever I start thinking about death, it always cheers me up to think about my funeral and my tombstone (which, by the way, will say "Here lies Harlan Sturr. Please don't pee on him.") ”
― Adam Selzer, I Put a Spell on You: From the Files of Chrissie Woodward, Spelling Bee Detective

“The man was, beyond doubt, a pathological liar. He lied to his various wives, to his friends, to his lawyers, to his employees, to detectives, to reporters, and to everyone else, right down to the census man. He lied in his diary.”
― Adam Selzer, H.H. Holmes: The True History of the White City Devil

“There are songs that make you cry, right?"
"Sure," I say.
"When you're dead, everything in the world is like a song that makes you cry.”
― Adam Selzer, I Kissed a Zombie, and I Liked It

“The castle never for one day truly functioned as a hotel, and the actual number of World’s Fair tourists he’s suspected of killing there has remained the same since 1895—a single woman, Nannie Williams.”
― Adam Selzer, H.H. Holmes: The True History of the White City Devil

“Following the footnotes of a Lincoln book can drive you towards madness. But it also gives you the chance to spend days trying to determine whether Lincoln might have actually taken a ride on a flying piano, and that’s a damned interesting way to spend one’s working life.”
― Adam Selzer, Ghosts of Lincoln: Discovering His Paranormal Legacy