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“به خودتان یادآوری کنید که «آگاهی» سریع و «تغییر» بسیار آهسته رخ می دهد”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“ Steps to changing your subjugation lifetrap
10. Review your past relationships and clarify your pattern of choosing controlling or needy partners. List the danger signals for you to avoid. If possible, avoid selfish, irresponsible, or dependent partners who generate very high chemistry for you.
Make a list of the most important relationships in your life. What are the common patterns? What are the danger signals for you to avoid? Are you drawn to domineering partners? Do you melt into the lives of your partners so that you have no separate sense of self? Are you drawn to people who bully you with threats, or guilt-trip you? Or are you drawn to helpless, dependent people who need you to take care of them?
The patterns you identify are the ones for you to avoid. We know this will be hard for you because you tend to be most attracted to exactly these types of partners. The chemistry is high, but you cannot sustain these relationships. The cost to you is too great. In the long run, you become angry and unhappy. It is better to choose relationships in which you have equality, even if the chemistry is slightly lower.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
10. Review your past relationships and clarify your pattern of choosing controlling or needy partners. List the danger signals for you to avoid. If possible, avoid selfish, irresponsible, or dependent partners who generate very high chemistry for you.
Make a list of the most important relationships in your life. What are the common patterns? What are the danger signals for you to avoid? Are you drawn to domineering partners? Do you melt into the lives of your partners so that you have no separate sense of self? Are you drawn to people who bully you with threats, or guilt-trip you? Or are you drawn to helpless, dependent people who need you to take care of them?
The patterns you identify are the ones for you to avoid. We know this will be hard for you because you tend to be most attracted to exactly these types of partners. The chemistry is high, but you cannot sustain these relationships. The cost to you is too great. In the long run, you become angry and unhappy. It is better to choose relationships in which you have equality, even if the chemistry is slightly lower.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“Step 3: Build a case against your lifetrap and disprove its validity at a rational level
This change step involves attacking your lifetrap on an intellectual level. In order to do this, you must prove that it is not true, or at least that it can be changed. You must cast doubt on the validity of your lifetrap. As long as you believe that your lifetrap is valid, you will not be able to change it.
To disprove your lifetrap, you will first list all the evidence pro and con regarding the lifetrap throughout your life. For example, if you feel Socially Undesirable, first you will list all the evidence that supports your lifetrap – that you are undesirable. Then you will make a separate list of all the evidence against your lifetrap – that you are socially desirable.
Look at your list of pros. Is any evidence supporting the lifetrap inherently true of you, or were you brainwashed into thinking this way by your family or peers during childhood?
If, after all this analysis, you still feel the lifetrap is true, then ask yourself, "How could I change this aspect of myself?" Explore what you could do to remedy the situation.
After making your list, summarize the case against your lifetrap on a flashcard. Read this flashcard every day. Carry it with you. Keep a copy near your bed or some other place where you will see it every day.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
This change step involves attacking your lifetrap on an intellectual level. In order to do this, you must prove that it is not true, or at least that it can be changed. You must cast doubt on the validity of your lifetrap. As long as you believe that your lifetrap is valid, you will not be able to change it.
To disprove your lifetrap, you will first list all the evidence pro and con regarding the lifetrap throughout your life. For example, if you feel Socially Undesirable, first you will list all the evidence that supports your lifetrap – that you are undesirable. Then you will make a separate list of all the evidence against your lifetrap – that you are socially desirable.
Look at your list of pros. Is any evidence supporting the lifetrap inherently true of you, or were you brainwashed into thinking this way by your family or peers during childhood?
If, after all this analysis, you still feel the lifetrap is true, then ask yourself, "How could I change this aspect of myself?" Explore what you could do to remedy the situation.
After making your list, summarize the case against your lifetrap on a flashcard. Read this flashcard every day. Carry it with you. Keep a copy near your bed or some other place where you will see it every day.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“Steps to changing your subjugation lifetrap
5. Stop behaving passive-aggressively. Push yourself systematically to assert yourself – express what you need or want. Start with easy requests first.
Be direct. Do not make a speech. You have a much greater chance of being heard if what you say is short and to the point. Use the word “I” and speak in terms of your own feelings. (Interestingly, many subjugated people avoid the word “I” whenever they talk about their feelings. Instead of saying, “I felt angry when you cut me off,” they say such things as “People feel angry when they are cut off that way.”) Speaking in terms of your own feelings is an important component of assertiveness. This is, in part, a practical matter. No one can argue with your feelings. If you say, “I was right, you were wrong,” a person can argue; but if you say, “I felt angry when you did that,” no one can argue. No one can say, “No, you didn’t feel angry.” By expressing what you feel, you make a statement that how you feel matters.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
5. Stop behaving passive-aggressively. Push yourself systematically to assert yourself – express what you need or want. Start with easy requests first.
Be direct. Do not make a speech. You have a much greater chance of being heard if what you say is short and to the point. Use the word “I” and speak in terms of your own feelings. (Interestingly, many subjugated people avoid the word “I” whenever they talk about their feelings. Instead of saying, “I felt angry when you cut me off,” they say such things as “People feel angry when they are cut off that way.”) Speaking in terms of your own feelings is an important component of assertiveness. This is, in part, a practical matter. No one can argue with your feelings. If you say, “I was right, you were wrong,” a person can argue; but if you say, “I felt angry when you did that,” no one can argue. No one can say, “No, you didn’t feel angry.” By expressing what you feel, you make a statement that how you feel matters.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“Step 2: Understand the childhood origins or your lifetrap. Fee the wounded child inside of you:
To feel your lifetrap, you will need to remember your childhood. We will ask you to close your eyes and let the images come. DO not force the images - just let one rise to the top of mind. Get into each one as deeply as you can. Try to picture these early memories as vividly as possible. If you do this a few times, you will begin to remember what you felt as a child. You will feel the pain or emotions connected with your lifetrap.
This kind of imagery is painful. If you feel completely overwhelmed or frightened by the experience, that is a sign you need therapy. Your childhood was so painful that you should not remember it alone. You need a guide, an ally. A therapist can be this for you.
Giving comfort to your inner child, offering guidance and advice, and empathizing with how the child feels are some of the things we will ask you to do. Even though these exercises may seem silly or uncomfortable to you at first, we have found that most people benefit enormously from them.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
To feel your lifetrap, you will need to remember your childhood. We will ask you to close your eyes and let the images come. DO not force the images - just let one rise to the top of mind. Get into each one as deeply as you can. Try to picture these early memories as vividly as possible. If you do this a few times, you will begin to remember what you felt as a child. You will feel the pain or emotions connected with your lifetrap.
This kind of imagery is painful. If you feel completely overwhelmed or frightened by the experience, that is a sign you need therapy. Your childhood was so painful that you should not remember it alone. You need a guide, an ally. A therapist can be this for you.
Giving comfort to your inner child, offering guidance and advice, and empathizing with how the child feels are some of the things we will ask you to do. Even though these exercises may seem silly or uncomfortable to you at first, we have found that most people benefit enormously from them.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“Danger signals in potential partners [related to subjugation]
1. Your partner is domineering and expects to have things his/her way.
2. Your partner has a very strong sense of self and knows exactly what he/she wants in most situations.
3. Your partner becomes irritated or angry when you disagree or attend to your own needs.
4. Your partner does not respect your opinions, needs, or rights.
5. Your partner pouts or pulls away from you when you do things your way.
6. Your partner is easily hurt or upset, so you feel you have to take care of him/her.
7. You have to watch what you do or say carefully because your partner drinks a lot or has a bad temper.
8. Your partner is not very competent or together, so you end up having to do a lot of the work.
9. Your partner is irresponsible or unreliable, so you have to be overly responsible and reliable.
10. You let your partner make most of the choices because most of the time you do not feel strongly one way or the other.
11. Your partner makes you feel guilt or accuses you of being selfish when you ask to do something your way.
12. Your partner becomes sad, worried, or depressed easily, so you end up doing most of the listening.
13. Your partner is very needy and dependent on you.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
1. Your partner is domineering and expects to have things his/her way.
2. Your partner has a very strong sense of self and knows exactly what he/she wants in most situations.
3. Your partner becomes irritated or angry when you disagree or attend to your own needs.
4. Your partner does not respect your opinions, needs, or rights.
5. Your partner pouts or pulls away from you when you do things your way.
6. Your partner is easily hurt or upset, so you feel you have to take care of him/her.
7. You have to watch what you do or say carefully because your partner drinks a lot or has a bad temper.
8. Your partner is not very competent or together, so you end up having to do a lot of the work.
9. Your partner is irresponsible or unreliable, so you have to be overly responsible and reliable.
10. You let your partner make most of the choices because most of the time you do not feel strongly one way or the other.
11. Your partner makes you feel guilt or accuses you of being selfish when you ask to do something your way.
12. Your partner becomes sad, worried, or depressed easily, so you end up doing most of the listening.
13. Your partner is very needy and dependent on you.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“A lifetrap is a pattern or theme that starts in childhood and repeats throughout life. The theme might Abandonment or Mistrust or Emotional Deprivation or any of the others we described. The end result is that, as an adult, we manage to recreate the conditions of our childhood that were most harmful to us.
A life-trap is self-destructive. This self-defeating quality is what makes lifetraps so poignant for us as therapist to watch. We see someone like Patrick get abandoned again, or someone like Madeline get abused. Patients are drawn to situations that trigger their lifetraps, like moths to flame. A lifetrap damages our sense of self, our health, our relationships with others, our work, our happiness, our moods - it touches every aspect of our lives.
A lifetrap struggles hard for survival. We feel a strong push to maintain it. This is part of the human drive for consistency. the lifetrap is what we know. Although it is painful, it is comfortable and familiar. It is therefore very difficult to change. Furthermore, our lifetraps were usually developed when we were children as appropriate adaptations to the family we lived in. These patterns were realistic when we were children; the problem is that we continue to repeat them when they no longer serve a useful purpose.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
A life-trap is self-destructive. This self-defeating quality is what makes lifetraps so poignant for us as therapist to watch. We see someone like Patrick get abandoned again, or someone like Madeline get abused. Patients are drawn to situations that trigger their lifetraps, like moths to flame. A lifetrap damages our sense of self, our health, our relationships with others, our work, our happiness, our moods - it touches every aspect of our lives.
A lifetrap struggles hard for survival. We feel a strong push to maintain it. This is part of the human drive for consistency. the lifetrap is what we know. Although it is painful, it is comfortable and familiar. It is therefore very difficult to change. Furthermore, our lifetraps were usually developed when we were children as appropriate adaptations to the family we lived in. These patterns were realistic when we were children; the problem is that we continue to repeat them when they no longer serve a useful purpose.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“ Steps to changing your subjugation lifetrap
14. Make flashcards. Use them to keep you on track.
When you find that you are having trouble, use flashcards. A flashcard can remind you of your right to be assertive. Here is an example of a flash card related to submission:
What I what is important. I deserve to be treated with respect. I don’t have to let them treat me badly. I deserve better than that. I can stand up for myself. I can calmly demand they treat me with respect or the discussion is over. If they can’t grow enough to give me my equal rights in this relationship, then I can leave the relationship and find one that betters suits my needs.
Carry the flashcard with you. When your lifetrap is triggered, and it is time for you to be assertive, take out the card and read it. Flashcards are valuable in making the slow transition from intellectual understanding to emotional acceptance.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
14. Make flashcards. Use them to keep you on track.
When you find that you are having trouble, use flashcards. A flashcard can remind you of your right to be assertive. Here is an example of a flash card related to submission:
What I what is important. I deserve to be treated with respect. I don’t have to let them treat me badly. I deserve better than that. I can stand up for myself. I can calmly demand they treat me with respect or the discussion is over. If they can’t grow enough to give me my equal rights in this relationship, then I can leave the relationship and find one that betters suits my needs.
Carry the flashcard with you. When your lifetrap is triggered, and it is time for you to be assertive, take out the card and read it. Flashcards are valuable in making the slow transition from intellectual understanding to emotional acceptance.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“Lifetraps are long-term patterns. They are deeply ingrained, and like addictions or bad habits, they are hard to change. Change requires willingness to experience pain. You have to face the lifetrap head-on and understand it. Change also requires discipline. You have to systematically observe and change behaviours every day. Change cannot be hit-or-miss. It requires constant practice.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“[On emotional deprivation:]
Avoid cold partners who generate high chemistry. This is that simple rule that is so hard to follow. Do not get involved with depriving partners. The rule is so hard to follow because these are precisely the partners who attract you most. We often give patients this rule-of-thumb: If you meet someone for whom you feel a high degree of chemistry, rate how much chemistry on a 0 to 10 scale. If you rate the person a 9 or 10, then think twice about becoming involved with this person. Occasionally, such relationships work out, after a great deal of turmoil. But, more often, the strong chemistry you feel will be based on lifetraps that they trigger in you, rather than positive qualities that will make the relationship last.
We are not saying that you have to settle for spending the rest of your life with a partner who only generates a responses of 0-5 in you. We feel that there has to be some chemistry for the relationship to work. But, if there is only romantic chemistry, it almost certainly will not work in the long run. There are plenty of 6’s, 7’s, and 8’s out there. One of them might bring you the deep fulfilment of an intimate, loving relationship, perhaps for the first time in your life.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
Avoid cold partners who generate high chemistry. This is that simple rule that is so hard to follow. Do not get involved with depriving partners. The rule is so hard to follow because these are precisely the partners who attract you most. We often give patients this rule-of-thumb: If you meet someone for whom you feel a high degree of chemistry, rate how much chemistry on a 0 to 10 scale. If you rate the person a 9 or 10, then think twice about becoming involved with this person. Occasionally, such relationships work out, after a great deal of turmoil. But, more often, the strong chemistry you feel will be based on lifetraps that they trigger in you, rather than positive qualities that will make the relationship last.
We are not saying that you have to settle for spending the rest of your life with a partner who only generates a responses of 0-5 in you. We feel that there has to be some chemistry for the relationship to work. But, if there is only romantic chemistry, it almost certainly will not work in the long run. There are plenty of 6’s, 7’s, and 8’s out there. One of them might bring you the deep fulfilment of an intimate, loving relationship, perhaps for the first time in your life.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“Step 2: Understand the childhood origins of your lifetrap and feel the wounded child inside of you:
To feel your lifetrap, you will need to remember your childhood. We will ask you to close your eyes and let the images come. Do not force the images – just let one rise to the top of your mind. Get into each one as deeply as you can. Try to picture these early memories as vividly as possible. If you do this a few times, you will begin to remember what you felt as a child. You will feel the pain or emotions connected with your lifetrap.
This kind of imagery is painful. If you feel completely overwhelmed or frightened by the experience, that is a sign you need therapy. Your childhood was so painful that you should not remember it alone. You need a guide, an ally. A therapist can be this for you.
Giving comfort to your inner child, offering guidance and advice, and empathizing with how the child feels are some of the things we will ask you to do. Even though these exercises may seem silly or uncomfortable to you at first, we have found that most people benefit enormously from them.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
To feel your lifetrap, you will need to remember your childhood. We will ask you to close your eyes and let the images come. Do not force the images – just let one rise to the top of your mind. Get into each one as deeply as you can. Try to picture these early memories as vividly as possible. If you do this a few times, you will begin to remember what you felt as a child. You will feel the pain or emotions connected with your lifetrap.
This kind of imagery is painful. If you feel completely overwhelmed or frightened by the experience, that is a sign you need therapy. Your childhood was so painful that you should not remember it alone. You need a guide, an ally. A therapist can be this for you.
Giving comfort to your inner child, offering guidance and advice, and empathizing with how the child feels are some of the things we will ask you to do. Even though these exercises may seem silly or uncomfortable to you at first, we have found that most people benefit enormously from them.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“Step 7: Keep trying
Do not give up or get discouraged easily. Lifetraps can change, but it takes a long time and a lot of work. Persevere. Confront yourself over and over again.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
Do not give up or get discouraged easily. Lifetraps can change, but it takes a long time and a lot of work. Persevere. Confront yourself over and over again.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“On unrelenting standards: You may have a less severe form of Achievement Orientation. Perhaps the balance between work and play is slightly off in your life. You cannot really relax, but at least your life is not totally consumed with work. And you may be a workaholic about things other than your job. It may be decorating your house, shopping for clothes or sales, or hobbies and sports. It could be anything – any form of activity that you turn into work and that enslaves you.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“[On unrelenting standards:] Let go of your need for perfect order, achievement, or status in exchange for a higher quality of life and more fulfilling emotional relationships with the people you love.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“There are three signs that your self-expression is restricted. The first is that you are extremely accommodating to other people. You are always pleasing everybody else, always taking care of everybody. You are self-effacing, almost like a martyr. You do not seem concerned with your own needs. You cannot stand to see those around you in pain and will repeatedly sacrifice your own desires to help them. You may do so much for people that it makes them feel guilty to be with you. Inside, you may feel weak and passive, or resentful when all your giving is not appreciated. You are too much at the mercy of other people's needs.
A second sign that you have problems in this realm is that you are overly inhibited and controlled. You may be a workaholic – your whole life revolves around work. Your work may be a career or it may be other things. You may work to look perfectly beautiful at all times, or to keep everything perfectly neat and clean, or to always do things in the perfectly proper, correct way.
You may be emotionally flat. There is no spontaneity in your life. You suppress your natural reactions to events. Whether it is because you feel you have to do what other people want (the Subjugation lifetrap) or because you have to live up to some impossibly high standard (the Unrelenting Standards lifetrap), you have a sense that you are not really enjoying your life. Your life is sombre and joyless. You somehow rob yourself of fun, relaxation, and pleasure.
A third indications of problems in Self-Expression is having a great deal of unexpressed anger. Chronic resenting may simmer underneath, occasionally erupting unexpectedly, almost out of your control. And you may feel depressed. You are trapped in an unrewarding routine. Your life seems empty. You are doing everything you should, yet there is no pleasure in it.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
A second sign that you have problems in this realm is that you are overly inhibited and controlled. You may be a workaholic – your whole life revolves around work. Your work may be a career or it may be other things. You may work to look perfectly beautiful at all times, or to keep everything perfectly neat and clean, or to always do things in the perfectly proper, correct way.
You may be emotionally flat. There is no spontaneity in your life. You suppress your natural reactions to events. Whether it is because you feel you have to do what other people want (the Subjugation lifetrap) or because you have to live up to some impossibly high standard (the Unrelenting Standards lifetrap), you have a sense that you are not really enjoying your life. Your life is sombre and joyless. You somehow rob yourself of fun, relaxation, and pleasure.
A third indications of problems in Self-Expression is having a great deal of unexpressed anger. Chronic resenting may simmer underneath, occasionally erupting unexpectedly, almost out of your control. And you may feel depressed. You are trapped in an unrewarding routine. Your life seems empty. You are doing everything you should, yet there is no pleasure in it.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“General steps in lifetrap change:
1. Label and identify your lifetraps
2. Understand the childhood origins or your lifetrap and feel the wounded child inside of you
3. Build a case against your lifetrap and disprove its validity at a rational level
4. Write letters to the parent, sibling, or peer who helped cause your lifetrap
5. Examine your lifetrap pattern in careful detail
6. The next step is pattern-breaking
7. Keep trying
8. Forgiving your parents”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
1. Label and identify your lifetraps
2. Understand the childhood origins or your lifetrap and feel the wounded child inside of you
3. Build a case against your lifetrap and disprove its validity at a rational level
4. Write letters to the parent, sibling, or peer who helped cause your lifetrap
5. Examine your lifetrap pattern in careful detail
6. The next step is pattern-breaking
7. Keep trying
8. Forgiving your parents”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“With Subjugation, you sacrifice your own needs and desires for the sake of pleasing others or meeting their needs. You allow others to control you. You do this either out of guilt - that you hurt other people by putting yourself first - or fear that you will be punished and abandoned if you disobey. As a child, you repeatedly enter relationships with dominant, controlling people and subjugate yourself to them or you enter relationships with needy people who are too damaged to give back to you in return.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“ Steps to changing your subjugation lifetrap
8. Practice confronting people instead of accommodating so much. Express your anger appropriately, as soon as you feel it. Learn to feel more comfortable when someone is upset, hurt, or angry at you.
You must learn to express your anger appropriately and constructively. Instead of continuing to let your anger control you, you must learn to use your anger to improve the relationships in your life.
There are guidelines for you to follow. The basic principle is: Whatever the other person does, keep calmy restating your position. Do not let the other person trick you into becoming defensive. Stick to your point.
Stay calm. Do not yell and scream. You are much more powerful when you are calm than when you are screaming. Screaming is a sign of psychological defeat. Try not to attack the person. Simply state what they have done that has upset you.
If you have a basically good relationship but want to say something negative or critical to a person, start by saying something positive. Try to instil an attitude in the person of openness to what you are about to say. People can only listen when they are in a receptive state. If you make people angry, they will become defensive and shut you off. Starting on a positive note enhances the receptivity of the listener.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
8. Practice confronting people instead of accommodating so much. Express your anger appropriately, as soon as you feel it. Learn to feel more comfortable when someone is upset, hurt, or angry at you.
You must learn to express your anger appropriately and constructively. Instead of continuing to let your anger control you, you must learn to use your anger to improve the relationships in your life.
There are guidelines for you to follow. The basic principle is: Whatever the other person does, keep calmy restating your position. Do not let the other person trick you into becoming defensive. Stick to your point.
Stay calm. Do not yell and scream. You are much more powerful when you are calm than when you are screaming. Screaming is a sign of psychological defeat. Try not to attack the person. Simply state what they have done that has upset you.
If you have a basically good relationship but want to say something negative or critical to a person, start by saying something positive. Try to instil an attitude in the person of openness to what you are about to say. People can only listen when they are in a receptive state. If you make people angry, they will become defensive and shut you off. Starting on a positive note enhances the receptivity of the listener.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“[On subjugation]: You may be surprised to hear this, but anger is a vital part of healthy relationships. It is a signal that something is wrong – that the other person may be doing something unfair. Ideally, anger motivates us to become more assertive and correct the situation. When anger produces this effect, it is adaptive and helpful. However, since you typically hold back your anger and refrain from self-assertion, you ignore your body's natural signals and fail to correct the situations.
Often, you are unaware of the ways in which you express your anger to others. You might blow up at some seemingly minor incident in a manner that is markedly disproportionate.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
Often, you are unaware of the ways in which you express your anger to others. You might blow up at some seemingly minor incident in a manner that is markedly disproportionate.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“[On subjugation]: Submission is the second form of the Subjugation lifetrap. You submit to the subjugation process involuntarily. Whether you actually have a choice or not, you feel as though you have no choice. As a child, you subjugated yourself in order to avoid punishment or abandonment, probably by a parent. Your parent threatened to hurt you or to withdraw love or attention. There was coercion in the subjugation process. You are almost always angry, even if you do not recognize your anger.
If you have this type of subjugation, you have a false belief: you attribute more power to the people who currently subjugate you than they actually have. Whoever subjugates you now - a husband, a wife, or parent - in truth has little power over you. You have the power to end your subjugation. There may be exceptions, such as your boss, but even there you have more control than you think. You may have to be willing to leave the person, but, one way or another, your subjugation can end. You do not have to stay with someone who is dominating or abusing you.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
If you have this type of subjugation, you have a false belief: you attribute more power to the people who currently subjugate you than they actually have. Whoever subjugates you now - a husband, a wife, or parent - in truth has little power over you. You have the power to end your subjugation. There may be exceptions, such as your boss, but even there you have more control than you think. You may have to be willing to leave the person, but, one way or another, your subjugation can end. You do not have to stay with someone who is dominating or abusing you.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“Step 4: Write letters to the parent, sibling, or peer who helped cause your lifetrap
It is important to ventilate your anger and sadness about what happened to you. One thing that keeps your inner child frozen is all your strangled feelings. We want you to give your inner child a voice – to allow your inner child to express his or her pain.
We will ask you to write letters to all the people who hurt you. We realize you will probably have to overcome a lot of guilt to do this, particularly in regard to your parents. It is not easy to attack your parents. They may not have been malicious. They may have had good intentions. But we want you to put aside such considerations for a time, and just tell the truth.
Express your feelings in the letter. Tell them what they did that was hurtful, and how it made you feel. Tell them they were wrong to behave as they did. Tell them how you wished it could have been instead.
You will probably decide not to send the letter. It is the writing and expressing of your feelings that is most important. It is often not possible to change the feelings or behaviour of your parents, anyway. You should know this from the start. The purpose of the letter is not to change your parents. It is to make you a whole person again.
A letter like this can set the record straight. It can tell your story aloud, perhaps for the first time.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
It is important to ventilate your anger and sadness about what happened to you. One thing that keeps your inner child frozen is all your strangled feelings. We want you to give your inner child a voice – to allow your inner child to express his or her pain.
We will ask you to write letters to all the people who hurt you. We realize you will probably have to overcome a lot of guilt to do this, particularly in regard to your parents. It is not easy to attack your parents. They may not have been malicious. They may have had good intentions. But we want you to put aside such considerations for a time, and just tell the truth.
Express your feelings in the letter. Tell them what they did that was hurtful, and how it made you feel. Tell them they were wrong to behave as they did. Tell them how you wished it could have been instead.
You will probably decide not to send the letter. It is the writing and expressing of your feelings that is most important. It is often not possible to change the feelings or behaviour of your parents, anyway. You should know this from the start. The purpose of the letter is not to change your parents. It is to make you a whole person again.
A letter like this can set the record straight. It can tell your story aloud, perhaps for the first time.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“General steps in lifetrap change:
1. Label and identify your lifetraps
2. Understand the childhood origins of your lifetrap and feel the wounded child inside of you
3. Build a case against your lifetrap and disprove its validity at a rational level
4. Write letters to the parent, sibling, or peer who helped cause your lifetrap
5. Examine your lifetrap pattern in careful detail
6. The next step is pattern-breaking
7. Keep trying
8. Forgiving your parents”
―
1. Label and identify your lifetraps
2. Understand the childhood origins of your lifetrap and feel the wounded child inside of you
3. Build a case against your lifetrap and disprove its validity at a rational level
4. Write letters to the parent, sibling, or peer who helped cause your lifetrap
5. Examine your lifetrap pattern in careful detail
6. The next step is pattern-breaking
7. Keep trying
8. Forgiving your parents”
―
“[On unrelenting standards:] You may have a less severe form of Achievement Orientation. Perhaps the balance between work and play is slightly off in your life. You cannot really relax, but at least your life is not totally consumed with work. And you may be a workaholic about things other than your job. It may be decorating your house, shopping for clothes or sales, or hobbies and sports. It could be anything – any form of activity that you turn into work and that enslaves you.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“General steps in lifetrap change:
1. Label and identify your lifetraps
2. Understand the childhood origins of your lifetrap and feel the wounded child inside of you
3. Build a case against your lifetrap and disprove its validity at a rational level
4. Write letters to the parent, sibling, or peer who helped cause your lifetrap
5. Examine your lifetrap pattern in careful detail
6. Pattern-breaking
7. Keep trying
8. Forgiving your parents”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
1. Label and identify your lifetraps
2. Understand the childhood origins of your lifetrap and feel the wounded child inside of you
3. Build a case against your lifetrap and disprove its validity at a rational level
4. Write letters to the parent, sibling, or peer who helped cause your lifetrap
5. Examine your lifetrap pattern in careful detail
6. Pattern-breaking
7. Keep trying
8. Forgiving your parents”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“ Steps to changing your subjugation lifetrap
11. When you find a partner who cares about your needs, asks your opinions and values them, and who is strong enough to do 50 percent of the work, give the relationship a chance.
If you find yourself in a good relationship with a partner who believes in equality, give the relationship a chance to work. Do this even though it feels strange to you. Subjugated people frequently give up too soon on good relationships, claiming they just are not interested, the relationship does not feel right, something is missing, or there is not enough chemistry. As long as you feel some chemistry – even a moderate amount – give the relationship a chance. As you become more accustomed to your new role, the chemistry might increase.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
11. When you find a partner who cares about your needs, asks your opinions and values them, and who is strong enough to do 50 percent of the work, give the relationship a chance.
If you find yourself in a good relationship with a partner who believes in equality, give the relationship a chance to work. Do this even though it feels strange to you. Subjugated people frequently give up too soon on good relationships, claiming they just are not interested, the relationship does not feel right, something is missing, or there is not enough chemistry. As long as you feel some chemistry – even a moderate amount – give the relationship a chance. As you become more accustomed to your new role, the chemistry might increase.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“[On emotional deprivation:] Avoid cold partners who generate high chemistry. This is that simple rule that is so hard to follow. Do not get involved with depriving partners. The rule is so hard to follow because these are precisely the partners who attract you most. We often give patients this rule-of-thumb: If you meet someone for whom you feel a high degree of chemistry, rate how much chemistry on a 0 to 10 scale. If you rate the person a 9 or 10, then think twice about becoming involved with this person. Occasionally, such relationships work out, after a great deal of turmoil. But, more often, the strong chemistry you feel will be based on lifetraps that they trigger in you, rather than positive qualities that will make the relationship last.
We are not saying that you have to settle for spending the rest of your life with a partner who only generates a responses of 0-5 in you. We feel that there has to be some chemistry for the relationship to work. But, if there is only romantic chemistry, it almost certainly will not work in the long run. There are plenty of 6’s, 7’s, and 8’s out there. One of them might bring you the deep fulfilment of an intimate, loving relationship, perhaps for the first time in your life.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
We are not saying that you have to settle for spending the rest of your life with a partner who only generates a responses of 0-5 in you. We feel that there has to be some chemistry for the relationship to work. But, if there is only romantic chemistry, it almost certainly will not work in the long run. There are plenty of 6’s, 7’s, and 8’s out there. One of them might bring you the deep fulfilment of an intimate, loving relationship, perhaps for the first time in your life.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“Two lifetraps deal with Self-Expression - your ability to express what you want and get your true needs met: Subjugation and Unrelenting Standards.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“[On subjugation]: Whether through therapy or for other reasons, subjugated people sometimes begin to become more assertive. When this happens, they often experience intense guilt. It is part of the subjugation lifetrap for you to believe it is somehow wrong for you to express your needs. It is best for you to learn to tolerate the guilt and continue the assertiveness nevertheless. Until you become more assertive, anger will continue to be a significant problem for you, even if you are not always aware of its harmful consequences.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“Our childhood does not have to be perfect for us to be reasonably well-adjusted adults. It just has to be, as D. W. Winnicott said, "good enough." A child has certain core needs for basic safety, connection to others, autonomy, self-esteem, self-expression, and realistic limits. If these are met, then the child will usually thrive psychologically. It is when there are serious shortfalls in meeting a child's needs that problems develop. These shortfalls are what we mean by lifetraps.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
“Two lifetraps relate to the strength of your emotional connection to others: Emotional Deprivation and Social Exclusion.”
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
― Reinventing Your Life: The Breakthrough Program to End Negative Behavior...and Feel Great Again
