Ursula Vernon > Quotes

“Okay. Morality in a nutshell. Don't hurt people if you can avoid it. Don't steal stuff unless you're starving or it's really, really important. Work hard. Pay your bills. Try to help others. Always double-check your math if there are explosives involved. If you screwed it up, you need to see it gets fixed. And don't eat anything that talks. If it doesn't fall under one of those categories, just do the best you can.”
― Ursula Vernon, Digger, Volume One

“Trolls have a longstanding animosity for goats--"Who's that trip-tapping across my bridge!?"--and this led me to think that perhaps trolls are related to goats, since it seems a lot more plausible to me that your relatives would make you insane than some random hooved mammal, however ecologically destructive it might be. What if trolls evolved from goats? Or, no, better yet, what if goats evolved from trolls? Or were domesticated from trolls by human shepherds? And the trolls despise their domesticated cousins as a disgrace to the once-proud troll race, (much as I assume wolves would despise Chihuahuas if they ever gave them much thought) and eat them at every opportunity.”
― Ursula Vernon

“Never underestimate the power of a good cup of coffee.”
― Ursula Vernon

“ Once upon a time, there was a little creature that was rather small and rather wicked and it lived all alone in the woods.
The little creature lived in a little den, at the bottom of a little ravine, filled with not-at-all little brambles and on the edge of a forest that could only be described as really freakin' huge.”
― Ursula Vernon

“Dragons have been known to have staring contests with mountains. They usually win.”
― Ursula Vernon, Castle Hangnail

“The world was hard and fierce, but it also contained tomato sandwiches, and if that didn’t make it a world worth living in, your standards were unreasonably high.”
― Ursula Vernon, Apex Magazine Issue 80

“Is your mom afraid something will happen to you?”
“I,” said Harriet, with absolute confidence, “am something that happens to OTHER people.”
― Ursula Vernon, Whiskerella

“I love boats. Boats are great. You can get all kinds of places and meet all kinds of interesting people, and you never know if they're going to try to eat you or worship you.”
― Ursula Vernon, Nurk: The Strange, Surprising Adventures of a (Somewhat) Brave Shrew

“The last time Wendell's mother had caught them playing cowboys and Indians, she'd read them a twenty-minute lecture on the history of Native American oppression, which had really put a damper on things. It was hard to have a thrilling shoot-out while yelling: 'I respect your position and hope that we can come to a mutually respectful conclusion!”
― Ursula Vernon, Revenge of the Horned Bunnies

“I suppose we should contact the local authorities?” said Wilbur.
“I’m a princess,” said Harriet. “We’re in the hamster kingdom. I kinda am the authorities.”
“Yeah, but you’re more a hitting-things-with-a-sword princess than a rehabilitating-villains princess.”
“Being hit with a sword can be very rehabilitating, under the right circumstances.”
― Ursula Vernon, Giant Trouble

“Temper is itself an obstacle.”
― Ursula Vernon, Digger, Volume Two

“...and that's how Snuggles the hamster learned that yes, things COULD always get worse. ”
― Ursula Vernon

“I hate prophesies! All they're good for is an extra club to beat yourself up with after the fact.”
― Ursula Vernon, Digger, Volume Two

“Maps? There are no maps.
I go by dark ways, unclean ways. If such a map existed, it would be beyond price. Nameless cults would battle in the low places of the earth for such a price. Dreamers would starve themselves in endless visions seeking its location.
Such a map would have to be drawn on the skin of a black he-goat, in virgin's blood, with a brush made of dragon's eyelashes. The cartographer would go mad, and it would profane the hands that touched it.”
― Ursula Vernon, Digger, Volume Four

“People ought to be a lot quicker to listen to each other and a little slower to listen to something that calls itself a god.”
― Ursula Vernon, Apex Magazine Issue 80

“She didn’t look any older, so far as she could tell from the mirror, but her heart felt like somebody had been scraping the last bits out with a spoon.”
― Ursula Vernon, Apex Magazine Issue 80

“Wilbur looked at the list glumly. "Are you sure you need all this stuff?"
"Yep."
"The ax?"
"The ax is critical."
"The chalk?"
"The chalk is super-critical."
"The bungee cords?"
"Bungee cords are the single most useful object in the universe, Wilbur. People may say it’s duct tape, but it’s actually bungee cords. All great heroes know this.”
― Ursula Vernon, Ratpunzel

“There is something about a bathroom that feels like a fortress. A closed bathroom door may only be about two inches of plywood, but it feels like an iron bar.”
― Ursula Vernon, Castle Hangnail

“I know exactly what is at stake, Captain. You are trying to convince yourself that whatever cause you follow is worth that girl's death.
I know all about gods, Captain. I know that a god that demands a child's life is not a god worth saving. Choose. ”
― Ursula Vernon, Digger: The Complete Omnibus

“You're brave and not very bright, which is the key to success.”
― Ursula Vernon

“Oh, don’t worry about me,” said the ambassador. “I haven’t had this much fun since the Duchess of Umberwall went sleepwalking in the middle of a battlefield and beat the enemy champion in her nightgown.”
Harriet made a mental note to get to know the Duchess of Umberwall immediately.”
― Ursula Vernon, Whiskerella

“Molly dove into the pastries. It had been a very long walk from the village and she’d been living on sandwiches and a thermos of cold tea. “These are delicious!” she said, around a mouthful of pastry. “Is learning to cook from first husband,” said Cook. “Then is cooking him. Lousy husband. Second husband is chef, much better.”
― Ursula Vernon, Castle Hangnail

“For the goldfish loved Pins as dearly as he loved her, and the two of them had been friends for a very long time, since he had carried her across a great desert in a plastic bag and had fought Djinn and Ifrits and Ghouls for her. She would have gone anywhere with him, but since he had chosen to settle at Castle Hangnail, she had been more than happy to swim in her bowl and look out over the countryside from the window. (Which only goes to show that even minions have their own stories that may be long and heroic and have no bearing on the story at hand.)”
― Ursula Vernon, Castle Hangnail

“Let's take a minute to talk about spellbooks, since, in this day and age when magic is no longer taught in schools (or is, at best, an elective like Home Economics), very few people have the experience with spellbooks that they used to.”
― Ursula Vernon, Castle Hangnail

“A Poncho of Invisibility is not quite as good as a Cloak of Invisibility, but they’re cheaper and easier to sew.”
― Ursula Vernon, Hamster Princess: Of Mice and Magic

“A stupid mule is still smarter than a good horse or a bad man.”
― Ursula Vernon, Apex Magazine Issue 80

“She was a good witch and a decent person, but decent people aren’t always easy to live with.”
― Ursula Vernon, Apex Magazine Issue 80

“So we have this eyesore on the property.
No, it’s not the beagle. I can understand why you’d think that, though.”
― Ursula Vernon

“He was tall and slim and had dark hair and young women found him fascinating.

This sort of thing happens often enough, even with boys as mortal as dirt. There’s always one who learned how to brood early and often, and always girls who think they can heal him.

Eventually the girls learn better. Either the hurts are petty little things and they get tired of whining or the hurt’s so deep and wide that they drown in it. The smart ones heave themselves back to shore and the slower ones wake up married with a husband who lies around and suffers in their direction. It’s part of a dance as old as the jackalopes themselves.”
― Ursula Vernon

“They were very Wicked boots, but were they Wicked enough? “Could you do something . . . I don’t know, unpleasant?” Molly shifted her backpack from one shoulder to the other. “If you don’t let me in and show me to the bathroom, I’ll do something very unpleasant right here on the doorstep.”
― Ursula Vernon, Castle Hangnail