Mitchell Symons > Quotes

“If you are willing to admit faults, you have one less fault to admit.”
― Mitchell Symons

“Michelangelo's cook was illiterate, so he drew her a shopping list--- which today is priceless.”
― Mitchell Symons, That Book of Perfectly Useless Information

“In 1927, Edwin Wakeman of Manchester committed suicide leaving this note: ‘I married a widow with a grown daughter. My father fell in love with my stepdaughter and married her – thus becoming my son-in-law. My stepdaughter became my stepmother because she was my father’s wife. My wife gave birth to a son, who was, of course, my father’s brother-in-law, and also my uncle, for he was the brother of my stepmother. My father’s wife became the mother of a son, who was, of course, my brother, and also my grandchild, for he was the son of my stepdaughter. Accordingly, my wife was my grandmother, because she was my stepmother’s mother. I was my wife’s husband and grandchild at the same time. And, as the husband of a person’s grandmother is his grandfather, I am my own grandfather.”
― Mitchell Symons, There Are Tittles in This Title: The Weird World of Words

“Murphy's Law; When someone says 'It's not the money, it's the principle,' nine times out of ten, it's the money.”
― Mitchell Symons, That Book of Perfectly Useless Information

“My mother is a wonderful, eccentric lady who has no concept whatever of interior monologue. We'll be driving along in the car and she'll suddenly say, 'Ants don't like cucumbers, you know. And roaches don't like cinnamon. Do you want some cheese, Michael? Rembrandt was the Lord of the day.'
-Mike Myers”
― Mitchell Symons, That Book of Perfectly Useless Information

“Oliver Cromwell banned kissing on Sundays---even for married couples---on pain of a prison sentence.”
― Mitchell Symons, That Book of Perfectly Useless Information

“(Ottery St Mary, Devon”
― Mitchell Symons, How to Avoid a Wombat's Bum

“A GUIDE TO DIFFERENT RELIGIONS
Taoism: Shit happens.
Zen: What is the sound of shit happening? Hinduism: This shit's happened before.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Shit happens because we don't work hard enough.
Catholicism: Shit happens because we are bad.
Christian Fundamentalism: Shit happens because the Bible says so.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock, knock. 'Shit happens."
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?
Agnosticism: We don't know shit.
Atheism: No shit.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens - rama rama ding ding.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit.”
― Mitchell Symons, This Book...of More Perfectly Useless Information

“were dejected”
― Mitchell Symons, Why Girls Can't Throw: And Other Questions You've Always Wanted Answered

“FRANK HAYES IS THE only jockey to win a race after death. No, really! It was 1923, and poor Frank suffered a fatal heart attack in the middle of a race at Belmont Park in New York. However, his horse, Sweet Kiss, didn’t know this and carried on to win the race with the lifeless jockey still on board.”
― Mitchell Symons, On Your Farts, Get Set, Go!