Mary Hopkins-Best > Quotes

“PLACEMENT
The Physical Transference of Care and Saying Good-bye

"A toddler cannot participate in a discussion of the transition process or be expected o understand a verbal explanation. [They benefit] tremendously by experiencing the physical transference of care, and by witnessing the former caregiver's permission and support for [their new guardians] to assume their role. The toddler pays careful attention to the former caregiver's face and voice, listening and watching as [they talk] to [their new guardians] and invites the [guardians'] assumption of the caregiver's role. The attached toddler is very perceptive of [their] caregiver's emotions and will pick up on nonverbal cues from that person as to how [they] should respond to [their] new family. Children who do not have he chance to exchange good-byes or to receive permission to move on are more likely to have an extended period of grieving and to sustain additional damage to their basic sense of trust and security, to their self-esteem, and to their ability to initiate and sustain strong relationships as they grow up. The younger the child, the more important it is that there be direct contact between parents and past caregiveres. A toddler is going to feel conflicting loyalties if [they] are made to feel on some level that [they] must choose between [their] former caregiver and [their] new guardians ...”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft

“While it is essential to be predictable in meeting a child’s needs, infants and toddlers are amused by parents who are spontaneous and unpredictable in their play. For example, when dressing the toddler, surprise him by blowing raspberries on his tummy and nuzzling his neck. Don’t give up even if he’s unresponsive at first. At first, he may try to camouflage his pleasure by turning his face when he smiles or trying to hide his laughter. Lift him high in the air while proclaiming, “Look at what a big boy you are!” Twirl around while holding him firmly. Holding his back and head securely, quickly do a knee-drop. Dance together. Gently wrestle. Smile and laugh while doing all of these things so the child associates pleasure with spontaneous laughter and smiling.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Crying is therapeutic Most people can relate to the calming and stress reducing effect of a “good cry.” Grieving children should be supported in their need to cry. Unfortunately, children sometimes suppress their tears, thinking that they can control their pain if they control their crying. Parents may find their child’s pain very stressful or threatening and may therefore knowingly or unknowingly suppress natural expressions of grief. They may try to distract the child by promising a treat if he stops crying; cutting the feelings short (“Hush, hush”); minimizing the feelings (“You’re OK now”); contradicting his reality (“You’re going to love it here”); criticizing (“Stop making such a fuss”); embarrassing (“You’re too big to act like such a baby”); or threatening (“Stop it right now or I’ll give you something to cry about”). Crying should be supported with empathy and nurturing. It might be helpful to say something like, “I can tell that you are feeling very bad. Maybe it is because we were just looking at pictures of Nana, and you’re thinking about her now and missing her. Let’s sit here together for a while and I’ll rub your back.” Don’t rush the toddler’s grief before she is ready to let go of it. When the crying has subsided, offer a cold glass of juice or a walk outside. Often, children are more receptive to being cuddled, making eye contact, and other attachment strategies after an episode of acute sadness.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Fortunately, attachment to new parents is not dependent totally on a child either not having or losing strong feelings toward her early caregivers or birth family. On the contrary, a strong attachment to her former caregiver will help her attach to her adoptive parents.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“How do you feel?” Claudia Jewett Jarratt (1994) recommends a strategy to begin helping children identify their emotions correctly in a technique called “The Five Faces.” Five cards with simple drawings of faces depicting sad, mad, happy, scared, and lonely are used to facilitate conversations about which feeling the person has. To learn the “game,” the toddler might be asked, “Which face shows how you feel about having macaroni and cheese for lunch?” Gradually, the cards are used to talk about more important emotionally reactive situations. Even children whose language is not sophisticated enough to participate in the dialogue, but who seem stuck in the “angry” mode, can benefit from an exploration of emotions.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Adoptive parents must begin where the child is developmentally, not chronologically. Healthy dependence must be recreated for the child who is not attached to the adoptive parent, regardless of the child’s age. Strategies to foster attachment to the new parents are as important for children who were securely attached and need to transfer their attachment as they are for insecurely or unattached toddlers.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“When a child has enjoyed a healthy relationship with a former caregiver, post-placement visits, when possible, can serve a variety of purposes. Post-placement visits not only provide tangible evidence of the continuing existence of previous caregivers, they also provide another way to transfer attachment gradually. In cases where personal visits are not possible, phone calls and pictures reassure a child of a former caregiver’s continuing presence and love.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“The toddler who has experienced healthy symbiosis with a previous caregiver and has moved into differentiation (recognizing himself as a separate being) needs to transfer the trust or bond to the new caregiver(s). If he is in the early stage of differentiation, he will probably experience intense separation anxiety. It is thus extremely important that the transition strategies discussed in Chapter 4 be implemented if at all possible to ease the transfer. The previous caregiver must give the child permission to transfer his trust and love. It is important to allow the expected and entirely normal grief process to occur and support it without abandoning the child to his grief.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Looking ahead at continuing transition needs The lives of adoptive parents and children are always in transition. Helping adopted children connect their beginnings to their present lives with us doesn’t end with the transition at placement. Parents need to deal with adoption related issues over and over again as their children reach new levels of cognitive and language development. Sometime between the ages of 24 and 36 months, many children will begin correcting Mom or Dad if they make a mistake or forget part of their Lifestory. Shortly thereafter children begin to fill in factual names, places, and events when invited to share in the story telling. Preschoolers’ reasoning is very limited and most do not sense anything unusual about being adopted. My three-and-a-half-year-old adopted nephew announced proudly, “I’m adopted.” He then added, “And there’s a kitty growing in my tummy.” Children spontaneously announce to the store clerk such things as, “My mommy came to get me in a big airplane” or “I’m from Peru!” At this age, parents should continue to build the factual foundation that will help full comprehension later on and instill a sense of pride and positive feelings about adoption.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Make the rocking chair a haven, a place to concentrate totally on each other and on the developing bond.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Children need food, comforting, shelter, touch, smiles, eye contact, and the opportunity to play and grow up safe, strong, and healthy. Meet the new toddler’s needs on demand, and she will gradually learn to delay gratification and become more and more able to be responsible for meeting some of her own needs as she grows and develops.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“A secure attachment to a former caregiver was another similarity found among children who had little difficulty adjusting and attaching to their new adoptive families.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Post-placement visits While the conventional wisdom “out of sight, out of mind” may be true for some things, adoptive parents are wise to rethink this saying as they help their toddler make the transition to her new family. Without contacts to assure them that their former caregiver still exists, toddlers may expend unnecessary energy worrying, wondering, and fantasizing about former caregivers rather than directing their energy toward attaching to new parents. Worse yet, some may resist attachment because they may assume these new caregivers will simply disappear one day, too.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Lifebooks typically contain pictures of the child from as young an age as are available, pictures of important people such as birth parents and other caregivers, copies of important letters and documents that marked different phases of the adoption process, and memorabilia associated with his life transitions.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“The loss of a parent is a young child’s greatest fear. To be abandoned, whether through termination of parental rights, voluntary relinquishment, death, or any other means, is a child’s worst nightmare come true.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Another child-directed activity that reinforces the toddler’s emerging sense of self and provides an opportunity to exert positive control over her own life is any “stop/start” game. This can be used with any pleasurable activity such as rocking, swinging, gentle wrestling, and so on, but the beginning and ending are determined by the toddler. In A Child’s Journey through Placement, Vera Fahlberg (2012) describes two such activities that delight many toddlers: being lifted high in the air until they yell “stop,” or gentle tickling in which the child says when to start and stop. Gustavo’s particular version of this game was to be bounced on our knees until shouting, “Drop,” at which time we were to extend our legs and let him slide down them, while holding firmly to his hands. He would shout, “One more time,” and the game would be repeated! Toddlers need to practice their emerging sense of autonomy and control within safe and reasonable parameters.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“a toddler’s experience of grief is complicated by the way in which he thinks. Left unacknowledged and unattended, grief can block development and attachment to the adoptive family.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Children who are grieving the loss of a former attachment, or are displaying ambivalence or resistance toward their adoptive parents, do not suddenly bond. Attachment doesn’t just happen; it grows. How quickly depends on a number of factors, including the number and quality of prior attachments; parenting strategies; age; and the severity of pre-placement neglect or other forms of abuse. Any prognosis is at best an educated guess.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Even while attaching, our toddlers are motivated by an internal clock that drives them to become more independent and autonomous! A challenge under the best of circumstance, adopted toddlers need special help finding appropriate declarations of independence. We have to surround our children with love that claims, but doesn’t repress appropriate development.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Sabrina’s case is a good example. Sabrina had lived with her foster mother, Carol, since early infancy. To help Sabrina prepare for her pending adoption, Carol showed her pictures and talked frequently about the family she would soon be joining. Letters, telephone calls, and visits preceded Sabrina’s transfer to her adoptive home. Sabrina observed Carol and her adoptive parents talking and laughing together as they jointly cared for her for a week prior to her transfer. She left Carol’s home with an album full of pictures of herself surrounded by her foster and adoptive families—tangible evidence of the continuity and “connectedness” of her life experiences. Sabrina also brought her favorite toys, blanket, and eating utensils with her when she moved home. During her first weeks at home, she frequently talked to her foster mom on the telephone. Carol continues to be an important extended family member. At age five Sabrina’s cognitive, language, physical, and emotional developmental milestones are all right on target.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Even after moving to her new home, Sharon frequently talked to her foster mom on the telephone. In both of these cases, the parents took care to try to follow routines that were familiar to their children, and to talk with them daily about their former caregivers.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“At the end of my time on earth, I will reflect on my life: my trials and my accomplishments. The most precious memories of my life will play out before my eyes. I will think of my family, and my memory of love will be of them.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“John Bowlby (1973) reported on a landmark study of the adoption of securely attached toddlers that demonstrated that transitional objects had a major impact on reducing placement trauma. In this study, many of the toddlers’ belongings, including beds, blankets, and toys, accompanied them to their new homes.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“The resilient toddler Of course, there are exceptions to everything written thus far about the relationship between a toddler’s early care, his pre-placement preparation, the way his transition is handled, and his overall developing sense of wellbeing. Nothing is absolute.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Lifebook A Lifebook, sometimes referred to as a life story book, documents a child’s life to date. More than the traditional “baby book” often started for a family’s birth child, a Lifebook is used after placement and for years to come as a way to help the adopted child connect his past and present life. According to noted adoption authors Vera Fahlberg (2012) and Claudia Jewett Jarratt (1994), a Lifebook affirms the fact that everyone is entitled to his own history, confirms who he is, and provides a sense of full identity. A Lifebook provides tangible evidence to an adopted child of his continued existence.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“It is important for the former caregiver to display honest emotions about the pending separation. If an attachment has formed, it is natural for both the child and caregiver to grieve their separation. This is no time for adults to try to be strong for the child's sake. A child's self-esteem is enhanced by tangible evidence that [they] were cared for and that [their] former caregiver will miss [them] but wishes [them] well. When adults express their feelings appropriately, it gives children permission to do so as well. Carefully planned and executed pre-placement transition strategies should assist former caregivers in adjusting their role and placing their confidence in the ability of the new [guardians] to provide a safe, secure, and nuturing environment for the toddler they have loved and cared for.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft

“It is important to note that children are rarely as unaware of their environment as they appear to be during withdrawal. In fact, many adopted toddlers have amazing insight and memory of people and events, and are astute observers, even when they appear oblivious of their surroundings. Therefore, it is important not to stop giving comfort, support, and structure. Those efforts are received and processed on some level even if not immediately apparent in the child’s overt behavior.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“Supporting the grieving process The grief associated with a toddler’s separation from caregivers with whom he has had a strong attachment is unavoidable. To try to deny or avoid displays of grief is magical thinking on the part of adults. Acknowledging and supporting their child’s grief is one of the first acts of love adoptive parents can give their new son or daughter. The more directly involved toddlers are in the preparation and transition process, the less confused they will be about what is happening to them and the less they will rely on magical thinking to explain the loss of former caregivers. The more concrete the transition and placement processes are, the more toddlers will be able to process what is happening, and the less they will be fearful. Talking to toddlers during the preparation for and adjustment to a change in placement is intended to support grieving by confronting their magical thinking and assuring them that they are not responsible for the loss. Toddlers need to be told who will take care of them and be assured that someone will be with them at all times during the transition. Other messages that support the toddler’s grieving include: “It was not your fault that you moved. You didn’t do anything bad. It’s OK for you to cry and be mad. I’ll be right here to take care of you.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“In most, but not all, families, adopted toddlers bonded sooner with siblings who were at least four years older than they were than they did with close-age siblings. It was no surprise that families who took time to include their children in the adoption process, planning, and transition of the new toddler sibling reported a much more satisfactory adjustment.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition

“There is no simple way to determine when and where to get help. Many factors come into play, including the child’s age, family’s financial status, insurance, knowledge of resources, religious affiliation, availability of services in community, and so on. Parents may seek outside assistance for their adopted child when other factors such as a divorce, job loss, or other stresses compound the family needs. Parents are generally in the best position to determine when to get help, but advice from relatives, family physicians, teachers, and others in a position to know the family should be carefully considered. Services for children with special needs are provided by a variety of professionals. A physician—pediatrician or the family practitioner—is usually the place to begin. Families may be referred to a neurologist for a thorough assessment and diagnosis of neurological functioning (related to cognitive or learning disabilities, seizure disorders or other central nervous system problems). For specific communication difficulties, families may consult with a speech and language therapist, while a physical therapist would develop a treatment plan to enhance motor development. A rehabilitation technologist or an occupational therapist prescribes adaptive aids or activities of daily living. Early childhood educators specializing in working with children with special needs may be called a variety of titles, including Head Start teachers, early childhood special education teacher, or early childhood specialist.”
― Mary Hopkins-Best, Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft Revised Edition