Ogden Nash > Quotes

“Tonight’s December thirty-first,
Something is about to burst.
The clock is crouching, dark and small,
Like a time bomb in the hall.
Hark, it's midnight, children dear.
Duck! Here comes another year!”
― Ogden Nash, Collected Verse from 1929 On

“Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.”
― Ogden Nash

“A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.”
― Ogden Nash, The Private Dining-room and Other Verses

“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.”
― Ogden Nash

“You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.”
― Ogden Nash

“Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.”
― Ogden Nash, Hard Lines

“Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental.”
― Ogden Nash

“LIFE BEGINS AT THE END OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE”
― Ogden Nash

“I have an idea that the phrase “weaker sex” was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm. ”
― Ogden Nash

“The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.”
― Ogden Nash

“Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.”
― ogden nash

“Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.”
― Ogden Nash

“If you don’t want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.”
― Ogden Nash, Hard Lines

“Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.”
― Ogden Nash

“Where there is a monster, there is a miracle.”
― Ogden Nash

“Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny –
Did you ever try buying them without money.”
― Ogden Nash

“A jolly young fellow from Yuma
Told an elephant joke to a puma;
now his skeleton lies
beneath hot western skies-
the puma had no sense of huma”
― Ogden Nash

“There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.”
― Odgen Nash

“Come live with me and be my love
And we will all the pleasures prove
Of a marriage conducted with economy
In the Twentieth Century Anno Donomy.
We’ll live in a dear little walk-up flat
With practically room to swing a cat
And a potted cactus to give it hauteur
And a bathtub equipped with dark brown water.
We’ll eat, without undue discouragement,
Foods low in cost but high in nouragement
And quaff with pleasure, while chatting wittily,
The peculiar wine of Little Italy.
We’ll remind each other it’s smart to be thrifty
And buy our clothes for something-fifty.
We’ll bus for miles on holidays
For seas at depressing matinees,
And every Sunday we’ll have a lark
And take a walk in Central Park.
And one of these days not too remote
You’ll probably up and cut my throat.”
― Ogden Nash, Hard Lines

“More than a catbird hates a cat,
Or a criminal hates a clue,
Or the Axis hates the United States,
That's how much I love you.

I love you more than a duck can swim,
And more than a grapefruit squirts,
I love you more than a gin rummy is a bore,
And more than a toothache hurts.

As a shipwrecked sailor hates the sea,
Or a juggler hates a shove,
As a hostess detests unexpected guests,
That's how much you I love.

I love you more than a wasp can sting,
And more than the subway jerks,
I love you as much as a beggar needs a crutch,
And more than a hangnail irks.

I swear to you by the stars above,
And below, if such there be,
As the High Court loathes perjurious oathes,
That's how you're loved by me.”
― Ogden Nash

“Progress is a fine thing, but it's gone on long enough.”
― Ogden Nash

“Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.”
― Ogden Nash

“either you get eaten by a wolf today or else the shepherd saves you from the wolf so he can sell you to the butcher tomorrow”
― Ogden Nash, I'm a Stranger Here Myself

“A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.”
― Ogden Nash

“When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.
~ Ogden Nash”
― Ogden Nash

“I give you now Professor Twist
The conscientious scientist.
Trustees exclaimed, “He never bungles”
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside
One day he missed his lovely bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
You mean,” he said “a crocodile.!”
― Ogden Nash

“People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven’t what they want that they really don’t want it.”
― Ogden Nash

“If called by a panther, don't anther”
― Ogden Nash

“Parsley is gharsley.”
― Ogden Nash, Food

“The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat.”
― Ogden Nash