Andrew Kaufman > Quotes

“There are two ways to get rid of an anxiety monster,my friend-you either have a bath or a nap.”
― Andrew Kaufman, All My Friends are Superheroes

“Businessman sat in his car calculating the net worth of everyone who passed and he noticed something peculiar. While some people were worth millions and other people were deep in debt, they all looked stressed and worried. He concluded that there is only one amount of money – just not enough.”
― Andrew Kaufman, All My Friends are Superheroes

“- the only difference between a happy ending and a sad ending is where you decide the story ends.”
― Andrew Kaufman, The Waterproof Bible

“No one gets found in love. Everyone gets lost in it, Because love is overwhelming. Its beyond your control. You have to relinquish control to be in love. And that’s a good thing. There’s a beauty to being lost in something bigger than you.”
― Andrew Kaufman, Born Weird

“The Sloth would sit on his couch, paralyzed by all the things he wasn't taking care of. Then one day, a Wednesday, he just said, 'Fuck it!' He threw his hands up into the air and said, 'Fuck it!' This was the day that the sloth discovered his superpower, an amazing ability to say 'Fuck it' and really, truly mean it.”
― Andrew Kaufman, All My Friends are Superheroes

“I don't remember a single monster before I met you.' he'd told Amphibian. 'Now they seem to be all over the place.'
'You mean there wasn't anything you were afraid of?' the Amphibian had asked him.
'lots.'
'What did they look like?'
It was a funny question.
'They didn't look like anything. They were ideas,' Tom told him. 'Like not being able to pay rent, or being lonely.'
'That's the most terrifying thing I've ever heard.' the Amphibian replied.”
― Andrew Kaufman, All My Friends are Superheroes

“We’re here,’ the Clock says.
The Perfectionist opens her eyes. She sees nothing. It’s white. All white. There’s no up. There’s no down. No horizon. Nothing. It’s just white.
‘Clock, what is this?’ asks the Perfectionist. Her voice is shaky.
‘This is the future.’
‘This is the future?’ the Perfectionist asks. Her mouth is dry. She forces herself to swallow.
‘Why is the future like this?’
‘Because it hasn’t happened yet,’ says the Clock”
― Andrew Kaufman, All My Friends are Superheroes

“...a river season will last as long as it takes you to reach your new
place. If you get into the river and let it take you where you need to
be, your river season will last an afternoon. But if you fear change
and struggle and hold on to the rocks, the river season will last and
last. It will not end until your body becomes exhausted, your grip
weakens, your hands slide off the rocks and the current takes you to
your new place.”
― Andrew Kaufman, The Waterproof Bible

“Perhaps one of the hardest things about having kids is realizing that you love someone more than your wife. That it's possible to love someone more than you love your wife. What's even worse is that it's a love you don't have to work at. It's just there. It just sits there, indestructible, getting stronger and stronger. While the love for your wife, the one you do have to work at, and work so very hard at, gets nothing. Gets neglected, left to fend for itself. Like a houseplant forgotten on a windowsill.”
― Andrew Kaufman, The Tiny Wife

“Okay, there's this thing you can do, a thing you can do like no other person on this planet. That makes you special, but being special ready doesn't mean anything. You still have to get dressed in the morning. Your shoelaces still break. Your lover will still leave you if you don't treat her right.”
― Andrew Kaufman, All My Friends are Superheroes

“He knocks on doors and stands there. You’d be surprised how few doors get answered”
― Andrew Kaufman, All My Friends are Superheroes

“It’s true most superheroes have funny names. But they have to come up with these names by themselves. Think about how hard it is. Try it, right now; boil down your personality and abilities to a single phrase or image. If you can do that, you’re probably a superhero already.”
― Andrew Kaufman

“But I'm here to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. Your soul is a living, breathing, organic thing. No different than your heart or your legs. And just like your heart keeps your blood oxygenated and your legs keep you moving around, your soul gives you the ability to do amazing, beautiful things.”
― Andrew Kaufman, The Tiny Wife

“The most powerful superhero of all, the one everyone wishes they were, is Mistress Cleanasyougo. At the end of every day she folds her clothes. She never leaves scissors on the table, pens with no ink are thrown in the trash, wet towels are always hung up, dishes are washed directly after dinner and nothing is left unsaid.”
― Andrew Kaufman, All My Friends are Superheroes

“THE PROJECTIONIST
The projectionist can make you believe whatever she believes. If she believes interest rates are going to fall, and you have a short conversation with the Projectionist, you will too. If she believes that, no, in fact, you didn't signal when you turned left, causing the Projectionist to ram her car into the back of yours, so will you.
Her downfall began when she fell in love with the Inverse. She absolutely, 100% fell in love with the Inverse. She projected all this emotion onto him but the Inverse, being the Inverse, simply reflected the opposite of everything she was sending.
Strangely, neither the Inverse nor the Projectionist can let go of the relationship.”
― Andrew Kaufman, All My Friends are Superheroes

“Why do bad things happen to good people?'

'Because it makes a good story.”
― Andrew Kaufman, The Waterproof Bible

“We are now, all of us, cinematographers for the movie of our own lives. Not the star. Not the director. Not even the writer.”
― Andrew Kaufman , Born Weird

“As far as I can tell, you remain a mystery to yourself until the day you die.”
― Andrew Kaufman, Born Weird

“The Perfectionist pushed Tom onto her bed. She took off his shirt. She took off his shoes and his socks. She took off his pants. She took off his boxers.

With most guys the Perfectionist would stop there. She didn’t. She was still feeling reckless. She took off his skin. She took off his nervous system. She lifted up his rib cage. His heart beat in her hand. And there, underneath it, she found a rusted tin box. She opened it. Inside she found his hopes, his dreams and his fears. She stared at them. She was surprised to find them there and surprised at how beautiful they were. At that exact moment, the Perfectionist fell in love with Tom.”
― Andrew Kaufman, All My Friends are Superheroes

“Remember that the truth within yourself will always be greater than the truth found in these pages. These stories are here to guide us—to help us find that truth, not to tell us what it is.”
― Andrew Kaufman, The Waterproof Bible

“The Sloth hated himself. He considered himself lazy. He had a dead-end job and no plans to get a better one. His relationship was on-again-off-again, and he never got to the gym even though he kept paying the membership dues.
There was mould in his refrigerator and he watched reruns on TV. Sometimes he wore the same pair of socks twice in the same week.
The Sloth would sit on his couch, paralyzed by all the things he wasn’t taking care of. Then one day, a Wednesday, he just said, ‘Fuck it!’ He threw his hands up into the air and said, ‘Fuck it!’ This was the day that the Sloth discovered his superpower, an amazing ability to say ‘Fuck it’ and really, truly mean it.”
― Andrew Kaufman, All My Friends are Superheroes

“Are you sad?" Nicola asked. Richard turned in the chair. The scissors became motionless.
"Yes. I am sad. I'm sad most of the time."
"Does it bother you?"
"It never used to. But now it does. Very much."
"It's because the world disappoints you," Nicola said. She set down hers scissors. "It continually fails to surprise you. It fails to be as wonderful as you long for it to be. This is where your sadness comes from.”
― Andrew Kaufman, Born Weird

“I've got the love that's yours as long as you do what you're told, the love that worries it's not good enough, the love that worries that it'll be found out, the love that fears being judged and found lacking, the love that's almost - but not quite - strong enough, the love that makes you feel they're better than you”
― Andrew Kaufman, All My Friends are Superheroes

“the code of a world he'd never been invited to join.”
― Andrew Kaufman, The Waterproof Bible

“To lose one's keys is the equivalent of losing one's mind.”
― Andrew Kaufman, The Waterproof Bible

“Okay, there's this thing you can do, a thing you can do like no other person on this planet. That makes you special, but being special ready doesn't mean anything. You still have to get dressed in the morning. Your shoelaces still break. Your lover will still leave you if you don't treat her right”
― Andrew Kaufman, All My Friends are Superheroes

“for a moment he became frightened that, with no one watching him, he might begin to disappear forever.”
― Andrew Kaufman, The Waterproof Bible

“Stewart got out of the truck and walked into the wheat field he’d parked beside. The stalks grew higher the deeper into the field he went. He continued walking. The stalks were slightly taller than his waist, but he still didn’t know what to say.”
― Andrew Kaufman, The Waterproof Bible

“Tom remembered standing there beside her, in font of that field covered in snow, and falling in love.”
― Andrew Kaufman , All My Friends are Superheroes

“She said, “Only the weak are afraid to appear so.”
― Andrew Kaufman, Born Weird