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“I believe that the very act of believing in something causes us to distance ourselves from that thing, thus a duality is created: oneself and the thing in which one believes. Now since we all know that in order to fully understand a thing one must be that thing -- walk a mile in its shoes so to speak -- it seems obvious that the state of believing in something inevitably causes us to not truly understand that thing in which we believe. This noncomprehension leads to all sorts of difficulties. "I believe in love" has a better than even chance of leading to divorce, while "I believe in God" seems to end in variations on the Spanish Inquisition. But -- and it's a big but -- if one were love, one couldn't help but be affectionate and caring towards oneself and others. If one were God, one would act toward all beings and all things as if they were one's own creations. And that, my friends, is the secret of life in a two-second vanity card. Of course, the secret could also be "Sit, Ubu, sit." We have to keep an open mind”
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“What exactly does that expression mean, 'friends with benefits'? Does he provide her with health insurance?”
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“People who write poisonous things about your work are using up precious moments of their life dwelling on yours. These are moments they will never get back. Let that be a comfort to you.”
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“I am a man of science, not someone's snuggle-bunny!”
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“For the record, I do have genitals; and they are functional and aesthetically pleasing.”
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“Don't forget that you are the product of a culture that went stark raving mad about ten thousand years ago. Adjust your thinking accordingly.”
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“I won't say that all senior citizens who can't master technology should be publicly flogged, but if we made an example of one or two, it might give the others incentive to try harder.”
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“Is my coitus whimsically inventive?”
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“According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time. Maybe not while you're having your gangrenous leg sawed off, watching your home burn down or learning how to be intimate with your cellmate, but, in the big scheme of things, soon.”
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“Sure we all enjoy movies, books and TV shows that portray people putting principles ahead PFB personal gain. But it might be time to admit that in the real world, grandiose patriotism has always been a mask to hide banal self-interest.”
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“A cursory glance through history would indicate that well organized governments tend to enjoy well organized parades, followed by well organized ethnic cleansing.”
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